Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.

Suck it up and stay the course. Things will look different later don’t permanently break your family.

What does this look like if there are anger issues involved?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he wants you to do the work of leaving. "Go to a friends house" "...he doesn’t want to move out without some kind of legal agreement"

Been there, done that. You know he's using excuses, right? He really doesn't want to be married.

I have told him many times, this doesn’t make sense. If you’re this unhappy let’s just split.

In general there is a certain amount of passivity and inertia re: situations. He will likely just cruise along and wait for me to make a move.

I feel bad. Today the kids were crying. He made a scene in talking to them about it and confused them — I thought we would just tell them daddy needs to do some work and talk to them after we had a chance to get on the same page. I was not ready for the conversation and finally asked him if he could go to another room so we could pack and calm everyone down. He just refused and was hanging around winding everyone up.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband’s issue is not that he’s frustrated in his career and managing stress poorly. The issue is that he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you.

He sounds like he has really poor emotional regulation and like he can’t handle disappointment or discomfort at all.

If he’s been in counseling for this and nothing has changed, he either needs a new counselor or he has been lying to the one he has about what’s going on.

I don’t disagree about the regulation issues. I wonder if he might have mild ADHD or Aspergers, he is very literal. He asked his therapist about it and she says it’s just that he is literal and has anxiety. I don’t know what he tells his therapist. He has been with her on and off for around ten years. I don’t know if it’s my business what they work on.

Sounds like he wants you to do the work of leaving. "Go to a friends house" "...he doesn’t want to move out without some kind of legal agreement"

Been there, done that. You know he's using excuses, right? He really doesn't want to be married.

OP, your husband’s issue is not that he’s frustrated in his career and managing stress poorly. The issue is that he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you.

He sounds like he has really poor emotional regulation and like he can’t handle disappointment or discomfort at all.

If he’s been in counseling for this and nothing has changed, he either needs a new counselor or he has been lying to the one he has about what’s going on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, from the way you describe him, it makes me wonder that if he achieved his career goal, would it change his behavior? Sounds to me like he'd just find something else to be unhappy about and blame on you. Good luck with this. Sounds really hard.

This is ringing a bell with me because before he started on this career path, there were other things he blamed me about and he shouted at me about them too. So I can’t make excuses for him.

Anonymous wrote:OP, from the way you describe him, it makes me wonder that if he achieved his career goal, would it change his behavior? Sounds to me like he'd just find something else to be unhappy about and blame on you. Good luck with this. Sounds really hard.

This is my worry. There will always be something that makes him unhappy.

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Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

He’s behaving like one under stress, yes. Does everyone? I don’t know. I am only married to this asshole.

No - not everyone behaves like this, habitually, under stress. Everyone’s an asshole occasionally, but this doesn’t sound occasional.

You need to draw some boundaries; if he can’t treat you decently, he needs counseling or (if he doesn’t think he needs to treat you decently) he needs to go.

He’s been in counseling for years. I’ve told him repeatedly he can’t shout in my face, etc. The behavior continues.

Oh man
.
First off a good counseling also meets w close family once a month to keep him accountable.

Second off, what kid of parent is he since separating might be a better option for everyone. What age are the kids? Can he parent?

Would he consider moving out for a few months? Work hard, be his best self when stopping by.

Does he have any other life and family goals he is working towards? Or just his personal career one?

He can parent.

He says he doesn’t want to move out without some kind of legal agreement.

All other life and family goals are deprioritized relative to this. He does take care of the kids, cook, load laundry, etc. If it’s something else like hey, we need a shoe rack and laundry hampers and a coat rack it will go for years and finally I will do it. I hired all the childcare. I buy all the kids stuff, furniture, handle school correspondence and camp sign up. Social stuff for the family is with my friends. I plan vacations and do stuff like family traditions for the kids. I don’t think we are very different from many couples in that after our first kid was born I was overwhelmed handling the kid stuff — he didn’t buy anything for the baby or read any books about the stages of the baby development. He was mad that he did not have enough time to play soccer with a newborn. But when the second kid came he was more ready. He is a hands on dad. There have been a few anger episodes with the kids that they got upset about but overall he is fine.

Anonymous wrote:

He’s been in counseling for years. I’ve told him repeatedly he can’t shout in my face, etc. The behavior continues.

You’ve told him sure. Yet, have you left the house before when it happens? It’s harder with kids almost impossible.

Yet, you might need stronger boundaries to move forward. Be cautiously courageous. Get other family members involved.

I left the house with the kids today after he shouted at me to go to a friend’s. Everyone has quarantined and tested. I am over this.

It’s my first time leaving with the kids. It’s more complicated with COVID. I will need to ask for changes but I don’t know where to start. Overwhelmed.

OP, from the way you describe him, it makes me wonder that if he achieved his career goal, would it change his behavior? Sounds to me like he'd just find something else to be unhappy about and blame on you. Good luck with this. Sounds really hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

He’s behaving like one under stress, yes. Does everyone? I don’t know. I am only married to this asshole.

No - not everyone behaves like this, habitually, under stress. Everyone’s an asshole occasionally, but this doesn’t sound occasional.

You need to draw some boundaries; if he can’t treat you decently, he needs counseling or (if he doesn’t think he needs to treat you decently) he needs to go.

He’s been in counseling for years. I’ve told him repeatedly he can’t shout in my face, etc. The behavior continues.

Oh man
.
First off a good counseling also meets w close family once a month to keep him accountable.

Second off, what kid of parent is he since separating might be a better option for everyone. What age are the kids? Can he parent?

Would he consider moving out for a few months? Work hard, be his best self when stopping by.

Does he have any other life and family goals he is working towards? Or just his personal career one?

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Agree, can’t tell how tangible, measurable, random, or likely his “career goal” is.

Is it a promotion? Waiting for someone’s retirement? Moving up a pay grade? Changing companies? Making partner? Saving enough to start a company? What?

He’s been in counseling for years. I’ve told him repeatedly he can’t shout in my face, etc. The behavior continues.

You’ve told him sure. Yet, have you left the house before when it happens? It’s harder with kids almost impossible.

Yet, you might need stronger boundaries to move forward. Be cautiously courageous. Get other family members involved.

Just curious…is his benchmark a job title or a certain amount of money? In your estimation, why has this benchmark eluded him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

He’s behaving like one under stress, yes. Does everyone? I don’t know. I am only married to this asshole.

No - not everyone behaves like this, habitually, under stress. Everyone’s an asshole occasionally, but this doesn’t sound occasional.

You need to draw some boundaries; if he can’t treat you decently, he needs counseling or (if he doesn’t think he needs to treat you decently) he needs to go.

He’s been in counseling for years. I’ve told him repeatedly he can’t shout in my face, etc. The behavior continues.