Listen, I think your SIL and BIL behaved terribly.

It’s fine to have some distance for now. Don’t go. Your husband is angry, BIL hasn’t even done the minimum to apologize and set things right again. Now is not the time for a visit—but don’t give ultimatums either. Just say the holidays is too soon.

Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

MIL was behaving badly and finally the straw broke the camel’s back. Maybe she’ll watch herself next time.

OP here. No she won’t. She’s 80 years old. She is unable to change her impulses. Believe me, we’ve all tried but at this point, most of us treat her like she is a 5 year old child.

I have tried to stay out of it but my DH Was gutchecking himself with me and I don’t know what the right answer is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did the MIL say? Can't comment until we know what the MIL said.

Also, what culture is BIL from? Is he raised here? Is he the same immigrant culture as yours? FOB? 2nd Gen? What?

OP here. MIL told them that she didn’t like the way they had done their patio and that it didn’t look good as someone else’s. BIL is from the same culture (Pakistani.)

Exactly what response was your mother expecting? I’m surprised that someone from her culture would go around needling and antagonizing a son-in-law. Is BIL from a less wealthy family than yours?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

MIL was behaving badly and finally the straw broke the camel’s back. Maybe she’ll watch herself next time.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My MIL can push a lot of buttons. I believe the resentment had been building up all weekend and the last comment she made might have sent him over the edge.

Still, to have him cal her such a derogatory word shocked the entire family. He definitely has anger issues.

SIL was surprised and embarrassed at the name calling but then backed up her husband and had a huge fight with her mom which lasted hours.

MIL has since apologized but BIL hasn’t.

SIL won’t bring it up with DH and DH won’t bring it up because he knows SIL will get defensive and bring up the resentment she harbors towards MIL.

Looks like your mom isn’t all that innocent then.

Did he apologize for screaming and cussing at his MIL?

How do things stand between him and grandma?

This is actually between the BIL and the MIL. Nobody else needs to take sides.

If the DH doesn't go then he is getting in the middle of other people's adult relationships, which usually makes things worse.

I guess DH doesn't have to go, this will only create more bad blood and eventually lead to relationships falling apart or being strained. DH should let the people involved sort out their differences.

This is how these families work though, one person walks around being endlessly rude and then the one time someone calls them out and is rude back everyone jumps on to shut them down. Dh needs to come to his mothers rescue rather than acknowledging that she is rude herself and not a victim. Its so typical.

Yes name calling isn't productive but if you've ever been around someone who constantly pushes your buttons, sometimes you are just done with it.

I don't think it saying the Patio is not as good as xyz's is a reason to be cussed out and be called a "Bltch". I can understand the BIL being equally rude ans saying "Well, we really don't care what you feel about it because we like it and in our own house our taste matters!!"

So I am all for BIL making an equally rude remark back to MIL and putting her in her place - but cussing and calling her names is just unforgivable. I am on team OP's DH on this one.

However, the person I would worry about it OP's SIL, because she probably has no option but to support her DH. Also, if her DH can call the MIL a bltch, then he probably is also slapping around his biwi (wife) with impunity.

Your DH should not go.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My MIL can push a lot of buttons. I believe the resentment had been building up all weekend and the last comment she made might have sent him over the edge.

Still, to have him cal her such a derogatory word shocked the entire family. He definitely has anger issues.

SIL was surprised and embarrassed at the name calling but then backed up her husband and had a huge fight with her mom which lasted hours.

MIL has since apologized but BIL hasn’t.

SIL won’t bring it up with DH and DH won’t bring it up because he knows SIL will get defensive and bring up the resentment she harbors towards MIL.

So they are both at fault, and your SIL ends up in the middle and suffers double. Given MIL apologized, BIL should apologize as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

Sounds like she was actually being a b*tch though, so no apology needed.

Op she was being a b*tch and by what you wrote this wasn't the first comment. Even you say she pushes buttons.

You know what, it isn't pleasant to be around people who push buttons and put you down. I get that your BIL shouldn't have yelled but then your husbands mother shouldn't go around insulting people. It appears in your family you simply let her get away with it and treat people like cr*p.

She doesn't sound like a pleasant person and your BIL must have just got to the end of his patience with her nit-picking and rudeness.

Your husband needs to appreciate that his mother isn't everyone's mother, they won't tolerate the same BS because they didn't grow up with her.

You need to accept that she is a bi*ch and not many people will respect her because of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did the MIL say? Can't comment until we know what the MIL said.

Also, what culture is BIL from? Is he raised here? Is he the same immigrant culture as yours? FOB? 2nd Gen? What?

OP here. MIL told them that she didn’t like the way they had done their patio and that it didn’t look good as someone else’s. BIL is from the same culture (Pakistani.)

So she actually was being a B.

+1. Good for your SIL too.

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did the MIL say? Can't comment until we know what the MIL said.

Also, what culture is BIL from? Is he raised here? Is he the same immigrant culture as yours? FOB? 2nd Gen? What?

OP here. MIL told them that she didn’t like the way they had done their patio and that it didn’t look good as someone else’s. BIL is from the same culture (Pakistani.)

Well, that is b**chy. I presume she did it in their house too?