Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

Realistically, what difference does knowing his grades make in changing the outcome? Worst case scenario, he flunks out, and what? Magically gets a job and supports himself while lying to you that he’s still in college? Middle case scenario, he runs into trouble in a class and finds a solution, maybe with your knowledge and advice, maybe not. Best case scenario, he’s a genius and never has a day of struggle, in which case you STILL don’t need to know his grades.

College seems to be the best time to let him start working out problems by himself. Do you intend to require access to his performance review for internships/summer jobs/professional jobs, too?

Did you read what I have written? I am paying for this. I won't be paying for those things. Additionally I said it could maybe only apply to freshman year.

The difference is knowing if he is using school to party or learn; or to ensure he doesn't need more help or support when he may not know to ask.

Why does your paying for this make any difference? If he needs help at your alma mater but doesn't know to ask, you don't care? You only care when you are financially on the hook?

Part of it is because he would be right down the road and I assume we would see him more than if he were far away. We'd just have a better idea how things are going. It is not that we don't care, but yes I do feel there should be more oversight because there is less room for error paying 75k a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

This is the definition of helicopter parenting. You son is an adult. He needs to figure out when to intervene himself. If he's not asking you, it's because he doesn't want you to intervene. You probably think it's because he doesn't know he needs help, but I guarantee you, by the time he's 18, he knows when he's screwing up. Let him breathe and figure out how to fix failure on his own. Otherwise you'll be intervening at his job, in his marriage, etc.

This x100.

I assume internships and summer jobs (and possibly first professional job) wouldn’t pay enough for him to support himself, in which case you’re still investing in him. Will you require copies of his performance reviews?

I don’t know that you’re as concerned about your investment in him as you are your fear of him not involving you as much in his life as you want him to. I think you’re struggling to give up your day-to-day role in his life, and requiring to see his grades makes it clear that he’s still a child and answers to you. I’m curious to know when you think it’s appropriate that you be less involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

This is the definition of helicopter parenting. You son is an adult. He needs to figure out when to intervene himself. If he's not asking you, it's because he doesn't want you to intervene. You probably think it's because he doesn't know he needs help, but I guarantee you, by the time he's 18, he knows when he's screwing up. Let him breathe and figure out how to fix failure on his own. Otherwise you'll be intervening at his job, in his marriage, etc.

I get what you are saying re the slippery slope. What it comes down to for me I guess is the financial outlay for college and the responsibility we have and he has to make sure it is money well spent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

Realistically, what difference does knowing his grades make in changing the outcome? Worst case scenario, he flunks out, and what? Magically gets a job and supports himself while lying to you that he’s still in college? Middle case scenario, he runs into trouble in a class and finds a solution, maybe with your knowledge and advice, maybe not. Best case scenario, he’s a genius and never has a day of struggle, in which case you STILL don’t need to know his grades.

College seems to be the best time to let him start working out problems by himself. Do you intend to require access to his performance review for internships/summer jobs/professional jobs, too?

Did you read what I have written? I am paying for this. I won't be paying for those things. Additionally I said it could maybe only apply to freshman year.

The difference is knowing if he is using school to party or learn; or to ensure he doesn't need more help or support when he may not know to ask.

Why does your paying for this make any difference? If he needs help at your alma mater but doesn't know to ask, you don't care? You only care when you are financially on the hook?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha ha only helicopter parents engage in such nonsense.

I sent four kids to college. Still have no idea what any of their grades were.

Did you pay 300K for each?

We paid full fare for each kid. Some public, some private. I don't understand why you think it's necessary to hover over your adult child in college. If they did enough in high school to satisfy you that they're serious students, why can't you trust them in college?

Because it would be an extremely different environment.

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

This is the definition of helicopter parenting. You son is an adult. He needs to figure out when to intervene himself. If he's not asking you, it's because he doesn't want you to intervene. You probably think it's because he doesn't know he needs help, but I guarantee you, by the time he's 18, he knows when he's screwing up. Let him breathe and figure out how to fix failure on his own. Otherwise you'll be intervening at his job, in his marriage, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

Realistically, what difference does knowing his grades make in changing the outcome? Worst case scenario, he flunks out, and what? Magically gets a job and supports himself while lying to you that he’s still in college? Middle case scenario, he runs into trouble in a class and finds a solution, maybe with your knowledge and advice, maybe not. Best case scenario, he’s a genius and never has a day of struggle, in which case you STILL don’t need to know his grades.

College seems to be the best time to let him start working out problems by himself. Do you intend to require access to his performance review for internships/summer jobs/professional jobs, too?

Did you read what I have written? I am paying for this. I won't be paying for those things. Additionally I said it could maybe only apply to freshman year.

The difference is knowing if he is using school to party or learn; or to ensure he doesn't need more help or support when he may not know to ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha ha only helicopter parents engage in such nonsense.

I sent four kids to college. Still have no idea what any of their grades were.

Did you pay 300K for each?

We paid full fare for each kid. Some public, some private. I don't understand why you think it's necessary to hover over your adult child in college. If they did enough in high school to satisfy you that they're serious students, why can't you trust them in college?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

Realistically, what difference does knowing his grades make in changing the outcome? Worst case scenario, he flunks out, and what? Magically gets a job and supports himself while lying to you that he’s still in college? Middle case scenario, he runs into trouble in a class and finds a solution, maybe with your knowledge and advice, maybe not. Best case scenario, he’s a genius and never has a day of struggle, in which case you STILL don’t need to know his grades.

College seems to be the best time to let him start working out problems by himself. Do you intend to require access to his performance review for internships/summer jobs/professional jobs, too?

NP. My son is a freshman. I'm paying cash for full tuition at his school. I'm not paying for it if he isn't making an effort. I expect to see his grades. At his job, somebody else is paying him. It's not my problem or my money.

Due to FERPA… source:college parent central…

The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974 (sometimes referred to as the Buckley Amendment) was designed to protect the privacy of educational records and to establish the rights of students to inspect and review their educational records. It also provided control over the release of educational record information. The original intent of this legislation was to keep elementary and high school records private and to give parents access to their child’s school records.

Once a student turns eighteen, or attends school beyond secondary school, the rights of access to the student’s records transfer to the student. This means that all academic information regarding your college student goes directly to the student unless the student has given specific, written permission to release that information to someone else. The exception to this law occurs if parents document in writing that the student is still claimed as a dependent for income tax purposes. The college may require you to submit your most recent tax forms in order to support this claim.

What does FERPA mean for you as a college parent?

Generally FERPA rules mean that student academic information such as grades or academic standing (GPA, academic transcript, academic warning, academic probation, or discipline records) will be given to the student and not to the parents. College students are considered responsible adults who may determine who will receive information about them. College representatives are prohibited from discussing information about the student’s academic record with parents. Most colleges have a waiver form which students can sign allowing records to be released to parents or college representatives, such as faculty members, to discuss records with parents. Your student may, or may not, wish to sign this release

We did not ask for access, but of course asked our kids how classes were going - their response typically included some indication of their grade. That was sufficient for both kids.

OTOH, my sister had two sons tell her freshman year they were failing a course in tearful call the night before final after not mentioning issues with the course prior to that. They both failed. Lesson learned hard way - she asked for access for the remainder. But - honestly, did not check it much and instead asked more direct questions about how they were doing. Good news story - both graduated, found their groove.

Honestly, it really depends on the kid, their motivation, and their ability to communicate with professors and with you.

Highly recommend that you clearly communicate to your child what your expectations are - whether that is a GPA or general updates on how they are doing and a promise to let you know (early ) when they are struggling.

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

Realistically, what difference does knowing his grades make in changing the outcome? Worst case scenario, he flunks out, and what? Magically gets a job and supports himself while lying to you that he’s still in college? Middle case scenario, he runs into trouble in a class and finds a solution, maybe with your knowledge and advice, maybe not. Best case scenario, he’s a genius and never has a day of struggle, in which case you STILL don’t need to know his grades.

College seems to be the best time to let him start working out problems by himself. Do you intend to require access to his performance review for internships/summer jobs/professional jobs, too?

I have access to the parent portal so I can pay the bill and also can see semester grades. I pay for both kids fully and I have simply said, anything 3.0 or better and all is well. If there are grades dropping below that, they are expected to raise the flag and I will pay for tutoring or we can talk together if they want about how they can address it. Both are willing to tell me their grades anyway, good and bad because I have a open communication with them.

Our dd is a sophomore in college. She has given us full access to her portal so we can see her grades and make payments. She understands and agrees that if we are paying then we get access. We have a similar agreement about body piercings/tatoos and health insurance. If we are paying for the insurance than we get to have a deciding opinion about these items. DD is having fun designing her tatoo and is looking foward to when she has a full time job with health insurance so that she can get it. I think it is beautiful. These were conversations we have had with all of our kids. We are not overly controlling parents but we do have lots of conversations with our teens so that they understand why we have the rules that we do.