Anonymous
12/09/2021 14:21
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Stop pushing it. She will eventually figure out she needs to do less talking/singing/whatever and buckle down and eat at meal times. I might point out "See how everyone else is eating now, and not talking? That's why they have enough time to eat all their food."
Anonymous
12/09/2021 14:17
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Throw some pediasure at her?
This. Or could do yummy chocolate Simply Terra's Whey powder shake from Moms Organic Market, blend with ice and milk, can add little Stevia if you like. It doesn't have weird herbal stuff added to it.
My kid has been very low weight her whole life, between <1 and 5th percentile. Our ped was adamant about no pediasure or other supplement drinks. Why would you take a perfectly healthy kid with a smallish appetite and fill them up with weird supplements?
Anonymous
12/09/2021 14:10
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
I hate the Ellyn Satter advice. My 5 year old kid is the same, OP. She will ignore her body and her hunger and thirst as long as she can go. Then she will have multiple tantrums over it and still we have to suggest to her that it’s because she’s hungry and she will scream, I’m not hungry. Hysterics ensue. When we can get food into her, get her to use the bathroom, and then drink water she turns into a different kid. We talk when she’s calm about why that happened and remind her to pay attention to her body. Yet it happens with regularity. So we regularly bother and bribe her to eat to avoid an hour of hysteria that will follow if we don’t and prevent us from literally getting to school and to bed and anywhere else we ever need to go. I feel like a hostage with this behavior but we have routines we have to follow.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 13:04
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds like my ADHD child when they were 4.
OP where are you getting your expectations as to how much your DD should eat at each meal? Your own ideas? Is your pediatrician pressuring you to get your DD to eat more?
If you want to break the cycle, decide whether you need to be imposing your ideas about how much your DD should be eating. A pediatric gastroenterologist can check your DD and give advice. Hint: they won't be in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery.
OP here- it's not that I have some set idea of how much she needs to eat- it's more that I think she needs to eat SOMETHING. 3 bites of any food for dinner seems kind of like a minimum for staving off hunger until the next day.
For the record, I am also not in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery. But here we are.
NP. OP, you are projecting your needs on to her. My (overweight) DH did this to my (normal weight) son, and it was so unpleasant. Begging him to take a bite, obsessing over what was left in his lunch box, when the kid clearly got enough calories from eating the way he ate. DH just couldn't get past on how uncomfortable he would feel eating that small amount. Plus, honestly 3 bites is not going to make much difference in whether or not someone is hungry before the next day.
As someone else said, stop coaxing her to eat when she is not hungry. Let her listen to her body. Maybe the time you are offering meals are not right for her body, and the attention she gets from you about not eating is more rewarding than eating. Just relax. Offer food and just enjoy being together. If a sweet treat is going to be offered, offer it regardless of what else she eats, because otherwise you are teaching her that the other food is bad and the good food is the sweet she gets as a reward for eating the other food.
If she is hungry later, offer a snack. Do this for a couple weeks and see what time she is actually interested in eating. Think about if adjusting your meal schedule is doable. If not, I personally would continue to offer snack on request. I think learning to understand body cues for hunger and fullness are incredibly valuable.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:50
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Unless she has a medical issue, coaxing will only backfire in the long run. Check out Kids Eat in Color on Instagram. She's a dietitian with a background in public health and a child who is a seriously picky eater. She's got lots of good resources and her advice seems spot on from a psychological perspective.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:46
Subject: Re:Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:She is not going to starve. She will eat when she's hungry. Put out healthy snacks, invite her to eat with you and if she chooses not to, ok.
This is what my pediatrician told my mom over 40 years ago. My mom used to say “you eat like a bird”, and growing up my nickname was Bones. I used to pack a 1/2 sandwich for lunch and only eat 1/2 of it. I just wasn’t that hungry.
FF and I’m now a healthy 47 year old. Try to relax, OP, and follow her hunger cues. Please don’t force her to eat.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:41
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on, OP? I know you said "always needed coaxing" (which is a problem, have you read Ellyn Satter?) but has she "always" eaten so very little at dinner?
Has it gotten worse lately, or does it wax and wane?
We never fought about food or even talked about it, so there were no power struggles, which could also be contributing in your case. And she wasn't filling up on anything else.
But even so, there were times, months at a time, even (though usually more like weeks), where my kid just seemed to survive on air. Then she'd go through a growth spurt and eat everything in sight. Or she'd eat a huge [meal] and barely eat for [other meals].
It all evens out for the vast majority of kids. On a year-to-year basis, she stayed on her curve-- about 15-25% for weight and 25-40% for height. I never considered changing her diet, adding pediasure, catering to her tastes.... just like with your kid, it wasn't a matter of her not liking the food per se. She wasn't complaining about it, she just sometimes ate very little of it.
I do think some parents err here and do anything to get food into their kids, creating pickier eaters than otherwise might be.
The only other thing I can think of that I think we did "right," or eliminated some possible issues, is that we all ate basically the same thing. If you're not doing this, I think this helps generally, almost from an evolutionary perspective. But that's just conjecture.
I have ADHD myself, and sure, it could be related. But I'd work on eliminating the power struggles and dropping the rope entirely. You've gotten some suggestions here. I think most of what you're doing is fine, though I never required X bites. But what does seem problematic is the cajoling, arguing, threatening and talking about it constantly. You are right to be exhausted by it, and it may be causing or exacerbating the problem.
We had a golden period right after she turned 2 when she was a raving carnivore- would eat all the meat on her plate and ask for seconds and thirds, and was willing to at least try everything else. Even now, if she is going to eat something on her plate, it will be the meat. But that was a long time ago, and we've since settled into this negative pattern. It does seem to have gotten worse lately.
This whole thread has been good feedback though. It's so hard to watch your kid not eat day after day, but I will try letting it go and see how it goes.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:35
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:She sounds like my ADHD child when they were 4.
OP where are you getting your expectations as to how much your DD should eat at each meal? Your own ideas? Is your pediatrician pressuring you to get your DD to eat more?
If you want to break the cycle, decide whether you need to be imposing your ideas about how much your DD should be eating. A pediatric gastroenterologist can check your DD and give advice. Hint: they won't be in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery.
OP here- it's not that I have some set idea of how much she needs to eat- it's more that I think she needs to eat SOMETHING. 3 bites of any food for dinner seems kind of like a minimum for staving off hunger until the next day.
For the record, I am also not in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery. But here we are.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:34
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
How long has this been going on, OP? I know you said "always needed coaxing" (which is a problem, have you read Ellyn Satter?) but has she "always" eaten so very little at dinner?
Has it gotten worse lately, or does it wax and wane?
We never fought about food or even talked about it, so there were no power struggles, which could also be contributing in your case. And she wasn't filling up on anything else.
But even so, there were times, months at a time, even (though usually more like weeks), where my kid just seemed to survive on air. Then she'd go through a growth spurt and eat everything in sight. Or she'd eat a huge [meal] and barely eat for [other meals].
It all evens out for the vast majority of kids. On a year-to-year basis, she stayed on her curve-- about 15-25% for weight and 25-40% for height. I never considered changing her diet, adding pediasure, catering to her tastes.... just like with your kid, it wasn't a matter of her not liking the food per se. She wasn't complaining about it, she just sometimes ate very little of it.
I do think some parents err here and do anything to get food into their kids, creating pickier eaters than otherwise might be.
The only other thing I can think of that I think we did "right," or eliminated some possible issues, is that we all ate basically the same thing. If you're not doing this, I think this helps generally, almost from an evolutionary perspective. But that's just conjecture.
I have ADHD myself, and sure, it could be related. But I'd work on eliminating the power struggles and dropping the rope entirely. You've gotten some suggestions here. I think most of what you're doing is fine, though I never required X bites. But what does seem problematic is the cajoling, arguing, threatening and talking about it constantly. You are right to be exhausted by it, and it may be causing or exacerbating the problem.
Has it gotten worse lately, or does it wax and wane?
We never fought about food or even talked about it, so there were no power struggles, which could also be contributing in your case. And she wasn't filling up on anything else.
But even so, there were times, months at a time, even (though usually more like weeks), where my kid just seemed to survive on air. Then she'd go through a growth spurt and eat everything in sight. Or she'd eat a huge [meal] and barely eat for [other meals].
It all evens out for the vast majority of kids. On a year-to-year basis, she stayed on her curve-- about 15-25% for weight and 25-40% for height. I never considered changing her diet, adding pediasure, catering to her tastes.... just like with your kid, it wasn't a matter of her not liking the food per se. She wasn't complaining about it, she just sometimes ate very little of it.
I do think some parents err here and do anything to get food into their kids, creating pickier eaters than otherwise might be.
The only other thing I can think of that I think we did "right," or eliminated some possible issues, is that we all ate basically the same thing. If you're not doing this, I think this helps generally, almost from an evolutionary perspective. But that's just conjecture.
I have ADHD myself, and sure, it could be related. But I'd work on eliminating the power struggles and dropping the rope entirely. You've gotten some suggestions here. I think most of what you're doing is fine, though I never required X bites. But what does seem problematic is the cajoling, arguing, threatening and talking about it constantly. You are right to be exhausted by it, and it may be causing or exacerbating the problem.
jsmith123
12/09/2021 12:32
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:Meal is 'x' minutes long. She eats in that time frame or not. Little to no prompting beyond one or two reminders "It is time for eating."
Your role is to decide what food to offer, plus when and where. Her job is to decide when and if to eat.
Make breakfast nutrition rich if that is your best bet for getting quantity in.
Remove the negativity and stress associated with meal times.
This, and especially the bolded. Just drop the rope.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:15
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:Throw some pediasure at her?
This. Or could do yummy chocolate Simply Terra's Whey powder shake from Moms Organic Market, blend with ice and milk, can add little Stevia if you like. It doesn't have weird herbal stuff added to it.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:11
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
I also think that meal time is when kids suddenly, more or less have our undivided attention. I find DD does a little better when I have a solid check in with her after school.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:10
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
She sounds like my ADHD child when they were 4.
OP where are you getting your expectations as to how much your DD should eat at each meal? Your own ideas? Is your pediatrician pressuring you to get your DD to eat more?
If you want to break the cycle, decide whether you need to be imposing your ideas about how much your DD should be eating. A pediatric gastroenterologist can check your DD and give advice. Hint: they won't be in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery.
OP where are you getting your expectations as to how much your DD should eat at each meal? Your own ideas? Is your pediatrician pressuring you to get your DD to eat more?
If you want to break the cycle, decide whether you need to be imposing your ideas about how much your DD should be eating. A pediatric gastroenterologist can check your DD and give advice. Hint: they won't be in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 12:05
Subject: Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
My 5 yo is like this. She will happily scarf down sweets like cupcakes and ice cream but meals are a struggle. She eats like a bird but is apparently growing (even if only in height)
When she takes too long to eat she invariably misses out on dessert and cartoon. That's often an incentive.
Also, we provide the "what" and she chooses "how much".
When she takes too long to eat she invariably misses out on dessert and cartoon. That's often an incentive.
Also, we provide the "what" and she chooses "how much".
Anonymous
12/09/2021 11:58
Subject: Re:Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle
Anonymous wrote:Unless she is failure to thrive or can’t keep up with other kids her age I would try and take a step back and stop worrying about it. I know it’s hard, but offer 3 means a day, 2 snacks and what she eats she eats. I would not allow dessert tho like any cookies, candy, etc unless a certain amount is eaten. I always did my kids age in bites and that worked well. Stop cajoling and bribing. Don’t give crap “ just so she will eat something” so many people fall into that and then you have a kid who only eats nuggets, hot dogs etc.
Agreed. Also, don't let her fill up on cow's milk -- it has a lot more calories than you think (even though it has nutritional value, the calories will keep her from feeling hungry).
Even skim milk has about the same calories as Coke, ounce for ounce, and it's just as effective in keeping kids from feeling hungry at mealtimes.
Dairy recommendation for 4 year old girl is 2.5 servings per day at www.myplate.gov. A serving size is:
- 1 cup [8 oz or 240 ml] dairy milk or yogurt; or
- 1 cup lactose-free dairy milk or yogurt; or
- 1 cup fortified soy milk or yogurt; or
- 1½ ounces hard cheese