Anonymous
12/09/2021 06:38
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?
Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.
I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.
My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.
My issue with this approach is that it shifts accountability. OP is the one with the issue. Or, at least, we KNOW OP has an issue and the child may have an issue. It is wrong to make this about the child. We shouldn't use our kids that way. OP needs to speak for herself, relying on her own emotions and desires, if she feels the need to say anything at all.
Anonymous
12/09/2021 04:15
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
If it was private you should have kept it private. You didn't and now it is out there for common use.
Your kid will have to tell her to stop if it bothers him/her.
Your kid will have to tell her to stop if it bothers him/her.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 22:13
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?
Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.
+1000
Anonymous
12/08/2021 22:12
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?
Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.
I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.
My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.
Disagrree. The Daughter said " It's really only for you and daddy at home, but I guess it's okay"/ The first part sounds like it;s something OP coached her to say, the last part sounds like the daughter really doesn't care, but is still trying to please her controlling mother.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 22:09
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yea, I have advice for you -- chill out.
Nope, her kid is uncomfortable because grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy she does not have. OP said this is a pet name, not simply a nickname.
You're conveniently skipping over the fact that OP said her daughter is a people pleaser, she was likely equally reacting to OP's reaction. IT sounds like OP is creating a stressful situation for her daughter and she has learned to bend over backward to keep mommy calm and happy. OP needs to relax big time.
If and only if it really bothers her daughter then she can coach her daughter to say " Grandma, I like it better when you call me X".
Anonymous
12/08/2021 22:00
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
This would drive me batty. How old is your daughter? I’d just let her know that is allowed to tell Grandma to call her Olivia and not Beetle Bug. Other than that, I’d add $10 to a pot every time MIL does this and then get yourself something nice when it hits $100.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 19:24
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?
Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.
I disagree. I think her response that it is a name only for Mommy and Daddy to use suggests she’s not comfortable with Grandma using it. Grandparents are not parents, and a reasonable boundary is to not use the same name a parent does. If MiL won’t accept a reasonable request to use the same name for the child she has been using all along, then she is out of line.
My husband calls me an affectionate name in public. That doesn’t mean my father in law is welcome to.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 19:10
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
So, you'd lie to Grandma and say your child said something you didn't, and then it would teach you what the other person thinks about boundaries?
Sarah didn't mention that she felt uncomfortable. She got put on a spot by a parent who admits that they're visibly annoyed when it happens and bent over backwards to find a response that didn't offend anyone. The kid is so scared of mom's reaction that she freezes and looks to her when this happens. This is a parent with huge problems with boundaries. Grandma isn't the issue.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 19:06
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Yeah the fact that she escalated after you pointed it out means she knows absolutely that this is getting a rise out of you and is enjoying it.
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
Depending on the age of the kid either I would say or tell my child she could (but doesn’t have to) say that she prefers grandma call her “Sarah”. If she’s otherwise a good MIL I’d privately tell her, hey, Sarah mentioned to me she feels uncomfortable with you using her parents name for her, but you know how she is she’s never going to tell you that she loves you to bits. If she continues using it after that, tells you how much she cares about boundaries...
Anonymous
12/08/2021 19:05
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yea, I have advice for you -- chill out.
Nope, her kid is uncomfortable because grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy she does not have. OP said this is a pet name, not simply a nickname.
Not even OP said the kid is uncomfortable because the kid isn’t sufficiently close to grandma for this pet name, where are you getting this??
She said her kid made a face. I will interpret that as she found it weird that grandma used a pet name her parents use to show love and intimacy. Probably would have found it weird if grandma called mom sweetbuns.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 19:05
Subject: Re:Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
The child said they were okay with it. Treating the child like a liar, and making them lie to Grandma and say that they aren't OK with it would be spectacularly bad parenting.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 18:54
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yea, I have advice for you -- chill out.
Nope, her kid is uncomfortable because grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy she does not have. OP said this is a pet name, not simply a nickname.
Not even OP said the kid is uncomfortable because the kid isn’t sufficiently close to grandma for this pet name, where are you getting this??
Anonymous
12/08/2021 18:52
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:Yea, I have advice for you -- chill out.
Nope, her kid is uncomfortable because grandma is trying to co-opt a level of intimacy she does not have. OP said this is a pet name, not simply a nickname.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 18:52
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
You are being very controlling.
However, if you want her to stop, you have to tell her. There is no way to know this nickname is not ok to use because usually nicknames don’t work that way. Saying “only DH and I use it” doesn’t mean that only you and DH *should* use it.
My advice is to let it go, but if you must say something, be direct because there is no way for her to know you are offended from what you’ve said.
However, if you want her to stop, you have to tell her. There is no way to know this nickname is not ok to use because usually nicknames don’t work that way. Saying “only DH and I use it” doesn’t mean that only you and DH *should* use it.
My advice is to let it go, but if you must say something, be direct because there is no way for her to know you are offended from what you’ve said.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 18:48
Subject: Is there a kind way to stop MIL from using a pet name for my kid?
Anonymous wrote:“Grandma, I like it better when you call me Sarah, not Schloopy”.
If the kid actually cares, then this is perfect. But based on your comment that your kid will bend over backwards to make people happy, it's not clear if she's bending for grandma or for you.