Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:18
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has affair written all over. I'd hire a PE and track her move.
Not necessarily.
op mentions she’s said she’s been unhappy for years. But doesn’t say why she’s been unhappy.
Op mentions they used to talk about their issues. But not what those issues were or if they were satisfactorily changed or fixed.
Op also mentions the emotional affair.
Op also mentions that he’s shocked she is seeking a divorce….
It’s wont matter legally. Most states are no fault these days, not Virginia though.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:16
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:I have seen this scenario amongst my in-laws. It shocked us all until we found out there was another guy in the picture. She married him within months of being free to do so and had another kid.
I am sorry. It sounds like she is running away with another man and not being honest with you.
Woman here and 100%. It is likely there was a period when she was trying to get through to you before she gave up and turned elsewhere. Therapy may have also been a catalyst or maybe not if it’s an affair.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:16
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
The last thing somebody needs is introspection?
Yup. When a guy has just been hit with divorce, the last thing he needs to do is brood about what he did wrong, why it was his fault, all that shit.
And this is precisely why I don't date divorced men.
He can wallow in self-pity at some point in the future, if he wants, but not now. If he starts beating himself up now about how he failed, that will only soften him up to yield to all her inevitable demands during the divorce process. Right now he needs to stay in the mindset that he has rights (to assets and custody) in this divorce and he needs to make sure he gets them.
We have no reason to believe the OP is not the injured party here. Most likely he got cheated on, and he did nothing wrong. It is the OPs wife who should be thinking about what she did wrong, not him - although I guarantee you she is not.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:15
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
+1,000 pathetic
NP
You may not like it, but she's not wrong.
Nobody said anything about "it's all the man's fault." There is a lot of "sometimes" and "ask yourself" about whether something could be true.
She is wrong. The thrust of that message is "you suck". He doesn't need that now.
Incidentally, he asked MEN for advice, he did not say "women please tell me to think about how I failed my wife".
That you read it as just saying "you suck" says so much about you and why you are divorced.
OP, I hope it gets better. Take care of yourself -- exercise is great, and not much other than dregs is found at the bottom of a bottle. Best wishes.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:12
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
The last thing somebody needs is introspection?
Yup. When a guy has just been hit with divorce, the last thing he needs to do is brood about what he did wrong, why it was his fault, all that shit.
DP. He doesn't need to brood, but he needs to be clear-eyed about what happened. There is a PP above who spoke about what he learned from his divorce -- and it's that it's over. It's too late. She has checked out (and not out of nowhere, but at last), and wasting time and energy on thinking that *now* you get it and *now* you will try is useless. Too late.
Also not useful to focus on things that don't affect where you end up. Just focus on getting throuh, not making anything worse, and healing will come.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:10
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.
Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.
Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.
Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.
Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.
Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.
Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.
Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.
This is pretty good.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:10
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How would I deal with it? I'd quickly pick myself up and go out and meet some new people. You may not be ready but you can't let ex-wife know that. Go get yourself a cool new car, some new clothes - spruce yourself up like you are dating. It's very typical for women, once the kids reach the age where they are more independent, to want to leave their husbands. It's not you - its biology. But you can't let her think less of you. She might come back, she might not. But put on a good show and you'll at least have a chance.
No. This is for six months after the divorce at the soonest, not now. He's in shock now. He's going to be a mess for quite a while. He's in no shape to "go out and meet people".
So you suggest he drink himself to sleep for 6 months? No, the sooner he does it, the better. He needs to embrace a hobby, start looking better because I bet he really let himself go while he was married, start using the free time that split custody gives you.
No. He's not going to drink himself to sleep. He's got plenty of other stuff to think about. "Start looking better" means go to the gym and lift. He won't be ready to date until he gets rid of the dad bod anyway, and that will take time.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:09
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How would I deal with it? I'd quickly pick myself up and go out and meet some new people. You may not be ready but you can't let ex-wife know that. Go get yourself a cool new car, some new clothes - spruce yourself up like you are dating. It's very typical for women, once the kids reach the age where they are more independent, to want to leave their husbands. It's not you - its biology. But you can't let her think less of you. She might come back, she might not. But put on a good show and you'll at least have a chance.
No. This is for six months after the divorce at the soonest, not now. He's in shock now. He's going to be a mess for quite a while. He's in no shape to "go out and meet people".
So you suggest he drink himself to sleep for 6 months? No, the sooner he does it, the better. He needs to embrace a hobby, start looking better because I bet he really let himself go while he was married, start using the free time that split custody gives you.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:08
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
\Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
The last thing somebody needs is introspection?
Yup. When a guy has just been hit with divorce, the last thing he needs to do is brood about what he did wrong, why it was his fault, all that shit.
And this is precisely why I don't date divorced men.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:07
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:How would I deal with it? I'd quickly pick myself up and go out and meet some new people. You may not be ready but you can't let ex-wife know that. Go get yourself a cool new car, some new clothes - spruce yourself up like you are dating. It's very typical for women, once the kids reach the age where they are more independent, to want to leave their husbands. It's not you - its biology. But you can't let her think less of you. She might come back, she might not. But put on a good show and you'll at least have a chance.
No. This is for six months after the divorce at the soonest, not now. He's in shock now. He's going to be a mess for quite a while. He's in no shape to "go out and meet people".
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:06
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
+1,000 pathetic
NP
You may not like it, but she's not wrong.
Nobody said anything about "it's all the man's fault." There is a lot of "sometimes" and "ask yourself" about whether something could be true.
She is wrong. The thrust of that message is "you suck". He doesn't need that now.
Incidentally, he asked MEN for advice, he did not say "women please tell me to think about how I failed my wife".
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:05
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
How would I deal with it? I'd quickly pick myself up and go out and meet some new people. You may not be ready but you can't let ex-wife know that. Go get yourself a cool new car, some new clothes - spruce yourself up like you are dating. It's very typical for women, once the kids reach the age where they are more independent, to want to leave their husbands. It's not you - its biology. But you can't let her think less of you. She might come back, she might not. But put on a good show and you'll at least have a chance.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:04
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
The last thing somebody needs is introspection?
Yup. When a guy has just been hit with divorce, the last thing he needs to do is brood about what he did wrong, why it was his fault, all that shit.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:03
Subject: Re:Men - how did you deal with it
I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.
Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.
Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.
Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.
Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.
Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.
Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.
Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.
Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.
Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.
Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.
Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.
Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.
Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.
Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.
Anonymous
12/08/2021 14:01
Subject: Men - how did you deal with it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if there were signs that you missed. Sometimes a woman tries and tries to work on her marriage but the man is in denial and won't engage, and she just gives up. It may be that what you are doing now is too little too late. If you're only willing to work on the marriage when it's at the brink of death, you're not much of a husband. Ask yourself what you've been ignoring.
Ignore this crap. Typical DCUM woman saying it's all the man's fault. That's the last thing you need right now.
The last thing somebody needs is introspection?