Anonymous wrote:She started "dating in 6th grade, and it was cute and innocent etc. But since then Hasnt been on a break, it was boy to boy to boy. The last one being the worst experience since he was clearly sexually objectifying her and she was letting it happened and get used to it. Lots of coaching and therapy. and she claims she split with him only to find another boy right away.
How do I stop her? Everytime I say something, its almost like she is going the exact opposite direction.
How do I gently teach her to stop dating for a bit and get her bearings together?

These posts fascinate me. You are the parent. She is the child. You tell her she's too young to date and isn't allowed to go out alone with boys. Phone comes to a central area out of her control at 8:30pm. Get her involved in activities.

I'm 51 and I remember a lot of girls getting involved with boys in 6th grade and getting in way over their head by early teens.
The girls were typically of low self-esteem, unmotivated at school, and not well supervised. I also recall the boys treating these girls very poorly and I'm sure it affected their future relationships. I'm sorry if that sounds critical, but that's how I remember it. This should have been discouraged earlier.

My friends were high achievers-- we had "crushes" in middle school but no one had a boyfriend until we were at least 15-16 or older. We were busy with music, grades, youth group, and other activities.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s appalling how many of you just assume this girl is engaging in in sexual activity, already.

She’s only 14 !! Barely even a teen.


But this doesn’t minimize the OPs concern for her daughters well being. Especially her emotional well being.

It would be best for the daughter to re-learn and appreciate long term, trusting, equal relationships with others.

Teacher here. I think it’s appalling that you don’t know how much oral sex is going on in middle school.

Anonymous wrote:You allowed this behaviour in 6th grade. I see this in my kid's class with girls and it isn't cute then.
That was the first mistake. Now you have to go back and fix what you started. Limit means of contact - set limits on cell phone use. No texting after 9pm. Monitor all cell phone use. Track where she goes and for how long. When she starts down the road of anything inappropriate, you step in. It is time to parent and not just let things happen.

Agreed.

Some young moms think it is cute when they do it with their toddlers. A friend used to comment when her DS used to play with DD about how great it would be if the kids grew up an marry. I know this is just meaningless talk but I used to put a stop to it. I would say something like "Well, not your son because he is like a sibling". Why do women do that? It is not cute. The kids grow up hearing such nonsense and then they think it is normal.

My kids know that they can have school friends but no dating is allowed. They are in clubs and activities with boys and girls and they respect each other. is. Even if you have a son, don't start commenting on girls (who are not interested in your son anyways) and start listing how they have qualities to be your son's girlfriend or spouse. Maybe wait till everyone is educated, working, adulting and living independently before you start dreaming about their romantic relationships.

This was me. Started in 5th grade. I definitely needed the excitement of a new boyfriend, then caught up in the drama of it ending. And early on, it might be a week later.

I was and still am addicted to the hope of something exciting. As an adult I manage it better, channeling it into my job, running races, etc.

I definitely wanted my dad's attention (who is still married to my mom) but I also think it has to do with my own chemical makeup and psyche.

I think as a kid I needed better ways to channel that energy. Something to get excited about besides boys. The problem was that my attention span was not great, so I would start something, be excited for a short time, then get bored.

Whatever the case, while I was not super sexually permissive (kissing, mild petting, none of the hardcore stuff of now) I eventually got a super bad reputation due to assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation with her about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancies and sexual assault. Make her watch videos about it. She's in high school, or going there next year? There will be a whole lot of boys who might push her into stuff. Or maybe she won't need pushing. So put the fear of God into your little one, keep her busy, and try to arrange fun activities for her friend group to keep an eye on them (and see if the friend group is the part of the problem).

You clearly don’t have high school aged children.

I do. DS is in 11th grade.

And you would accuse boys of pushing her into stuff? Wow.

LOL boys don't push girls into sex. Do you use the hashtag boymom on all SM posts?

I think it’s appalling how many of you just assume this girl is engaging in in sexual activity, already.

She’s only 14 !! Barely even a teen.


But this doesn’t minimize the OPs concern for her daughters well being. Especially her emotional well being.

It would be best for the daughter to re-learn and appreciate long term, trusting, equal relationships with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s just good at oral sex.

OP never said anything about that, and as her mom she would know. There is no evidence for something like that happening at all.

At least not yet. But it could happen, the older her daughter gets, if she keeps this dating up.

The mother would know? Ha!

Please explain HOW the mother would know

I would talk to her about sexual relationships, take her to the ob gyn, HPV shot, and consider some type of birth control.

Fliting from boy to boy isn't a big deal at her age, until she meets a bad one, like her last boyfriend. As she gets older, she will be pressured for sexual activities and sex, she needs to be prepared and know what she is willing to do. And that the guy always has to wear condoms.

If there is any way you can get her involved in a mostly girl group to make girl friends and keep her occupied, it would be good.

Is this behvior causing harm?

For example:

-Is she ignoring her friends?
-Is she dropping other activities she used to like (i.e. sports, art, reading etc.?)
-Are her academics/grades suffering?
-Is she demonstrating that her self-esteem is tied to what her current boyfriend thinks of her (focusing on what HE likes to do, how HE thinks she should look/act, whether HE is going to break up with her)?
-Is she possessive/jealous or obsessing about whether he's going to break up with her (or whether she should break up with him to be with some other kid?)
- Are they hanging out privately (in each other's rooms or otherwise without other people around), as opposed to meeting up at Starbucks or with other kids or hanging out in common spaces at each others' houses

If you're not seeing any of those actual behaviors (or others I may have missed), I truly wouldn't worry about it.

Some kids like having a go-to person at that age. For many girls it's a "best friend", but for some it's a "boy friend". Doesn't mean she thinks she's "in love" nor does it necessarily mean that she's hooking up with any or all of them.

Based on what I'm seeing with DD and her friends (ages 13/14), most girlfriend/boyfriend relationships are in name only - it's a label but not a romantic kind of thing, and they rarerly if ever spend time together without other friends around.

I never think it's "Cute" when elementary schoolers have boyfriends/girlfriends. Even worse when the parents things so. But, it is what it is now.

Frankly, I'd keep her as busy as possible: sports, clubs, hiking, family time, vacations, local activities. Anything. Bonus is that you'll get time with her too. My child is busy enough that a real significant other is just not plausible, even if DC was interested. In the meantime, she's finding purpose, meaning, passions in things other than boys.

FWIW, DC only has one friend who is obsessed with having a boyfriend (and it annoys the sh-- out of the rest of them). None of her other close friends are or have had boyfriends. They all are athletes or are busy with other activities. They are in HS now.

It wasn’t cute in 6th grade and you have giant red flags now. I don’t think it’s abnormal to have relationships at this age but what your DD is doing is very abnormal. I agree about an ADHD screening. And about getting her distracted with sports and activities. And that she’s going to be sexual active (if she’s not already) bc boys can sniff this out and she probably already has a reputation. My DS knows a girl just like you’re describing and the other kids aren’t kind about it behind her back.

Anonymous wrote:She started "dating in 6th grade, and it was cute and innocent etc. But since then Hasnt been on a break, it was boy to boy to boy. The last one being the worst experience since he was clearly sexually objectifying her and she was letting it happened and get used to it. Lots of coaching and therapy. and she claims she split with him only to find another boy right away.
How do I stop her? Everytime I say something, its almost like she is going the exact opposite direction.
How do I gently teach her to stop dating for a bit and get her bearings together?

See if she has ADhD. Alot of girls with adhd have serial relationships and are very unhappy of they aren't in the beginning stages of a relationship but dont put the effort into deeper relationships that last long because they lack those skills and those relationships aren't as exciting and full of dopamine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s just good at oral sex.

OP never said anything about that, and as her mom she would know. There is no evidence for something like that happening at all.

At least not yet. But it could happen, the older her daughter gets, if she keeps this dating up.

The mother would know? Ha!

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s just good at oral sex.

OP never said anything about that, and as her mom she would know. There is no evidence for something like that happening at all.

At least not yet. But it could happen, the older her daughter gets, if she keeps this dating up.