Just here to commiserate, OP. My mother was also insanely stubborn in her senior years and insisted on staying in my hometown where I couldn't be there to help if she had an emergency. We had a lot of years where I tried to get her to make smarter decisions that would allow her to age in place comfortably (and closer to me) while she was still young enough to make those changes comparatively easily.

We fought about it a lot, TBH. Wicked fights. And then we'd go through phases where she seemed to admit she needed to plan better, and even looked at various senior housing options near us. It never happened though. She just kept putting it off.

Then she got sick one August and died eight weeks later. At a comparatively young age too. 20 years before I thought it would happen. On top of the devastation at losing her, I had to clean up a gigantic financial and logistical mess from thousands of miles away. It was everything I had hoped to avoid.

And you know what? It totally sucked. As bad or worse than I imagined it might be when we used to have those fights. I wish my mom could have been kinder to me and planned more because she really left me with a mountain of turd blossoms.

But she was so terrified of death that she just couldn't face it. Pretending it would never happen was how she managed her extreme anxiety about her life ending. It's what allowed her to be happy (not paralyzed with fear) in her final years.

In hindsight, I wish I had found a way to just accept that pretending she'd never die was how she was able to live. I wish I had joined her in that fantasy instead of fighting her. Because none of those fights actually lead to any change that would have had any measurable impact on the hell I had to walk through when she died.

I certainly hope your mom's health scare moves her to a point where she can make better decisions, but if it doesn't, I encourage you to accept what you can't control and just enjoy the time you have left with her.

That all sounds very expensive. The nice assisted living place, the removalists who pack and unpack box by box from coast to coast. You say they no longer have any funds, I guess the sale of the house will fund some of it but I would work out for how long. Will the place you want to take them to accept Medicaid?

Anonymous wrote:You sound like someone who thinks a lot, but does very little.

You sound like someone who gets off on saying things like this. Get a hobby.

You sound like someone who thinks a lot, but does very little.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. And that their funds are now depleted. The silver lining is that now she is close to qualifying for Medicaid to cover her nursing home care. And it sounds like she will financially hit that point soon. It would most likely require selling the house and using that to qualify for Medicaid funds but if it's necessary, so be it. You're constantly battering yourself against a wall at this point, so the advice of stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may sounds the most reasonable. It's all heading in the same direction no matter what you do, so let it unfold and reduce your own stress.

Yes, it’s a huge silver lining. And selling the house should have been done years ago, but my mother still let my father make decisions to not, even after his stroke. His doctor tried to speak with my mother to no avail. I honestly don’t think she understood everything. I know the rehab refused to send my Dad home with my mother five years ago because they felt she wasn’t mentally all there enough to care for him (meds, etc). My sister lives with them and so they did. That was the right decision but both my sister and I thought that they allow us to move the rest of the money (and there was a lot) into a more secure and balanced fund. My mother would just cry and say “I don’t’ want to think about it” and my father would refuse and say “It’s fine”. My father’s doctor tried to talk with them to no avail. Enter bad stock market and money invested in extremely high risk stock funds (No it was not ‘fine’) and they lost over 95% of their money, putting them where they are now. The good news is the house is worth over a 1/2 mil and in good shape so selling will replenish their coffers, and I have a best friend who’s one heck of a financial planner who will do me the solid of helping them out. And my father trusts him.

Everyone is screaming at me here about moving them, but the reality is, my mother WANTS to go now to be with family and my father would capitulate and actually be really happy once there. I have a large, beautiful home and they can stay with me or they can stay in a great facility within two miles (that’s what my mother prefers) and have a ton of emotional and physical support. Out where they are, there is NO support but my sister, and she’s starting to burn out. My mother’s sister is around the corner but she has pancreatic cancer and is not well. My mother, when she was in good health, was fine staying until her sister passed, but now with this new diagnosis, the situation has changed drastically. If my mother is treated with meds and sent home, we can plan more slowly and perhaps wait until my Aunt passes. I could get a house to rent out there to help, but that does not solve their financial situation. Getting her to the East Coast is the best thing for everyone, including them. One four hour flight, a drive from the airport and they have a lovely place to stay that they’ve been to many times. My father could see old friends (he wants to) and my mother can see the family she’s been missing. Trust me, it’s not cruel to have them come. My sister has a real estate agent my mother loves and she would handle everything from soup to nuts. Put everything on a truck, move it to a storage unit in MA, and go through it box by box.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

She wants to move now but it might be too late, I agree. The optimum time to do it was years ago, just like the time to shift their money to safety was years ago as well. Not only will her new doctor sign the papers, she wants her too. She wants to be with family. ALL of her family on the East coast. The only one on the west coast is my father and my sister, and her sister who is herself on death’s door and broke. Alternative is I rent a house out there and stay for the winter with my other sister. Depends on what the doctor says she can do.

People like you, PP, are disgusting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. And that their funds are now depleted. The silver lining is that now she is close to qualifying for Medicaid to cover her nursing home care. And it sounds like she will financially hit that point soon. It would most likely require selling the house and using that to qualify for Medicaid funds but if it's necessary, so be it. You're constantly battering yourself against a wall at this point, so the advice of stepping back and letting the chips fall where they may sounds the most reasonable. It's all heading in the same direction no matter what you do, so let it unfold and reduce your own stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

Sorry, but this is not an option. Your mother is not incompetent. She is still an adult who gets to make her own decisions. There is no judge who will deem her incompetent without a lot of documentation and expert/physician testimony that proves she is. No honest attorney will take a case like this as they know it is a no-win.

Honestly, after this last post OP it appears that you do indeed need therapy as your thought process seems spiraling off track. Do you really think forcing an elderly woman with serious helath conditions onto a plane to move away from her home is a reasonable action to alleviate your stress? I think you should let your brother (and sister) have the reins for your parents' care and you should step back.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry to hear it because I know how hard it is. My sister just called and my mother is now hospitalized with congestive heart failure. She hid her symptoms until she could barely walk across the room. She had a heart stress test about 6 weeks ago and cleared it. No idea how that happened. I’m still waiting on more information. She had a bladder infection last week (was told that but had no symptoms - they went on bloodwork). I’m now thinking something else was up or the infection has moved to her heart. She’s been having tachycardia on and off since the night of her second sh*t back in March - that’s when it started.

I’m so angry right now because after my father’s debilitating stroke, I wanted the money moved into less risky funds. All my mother would do is scream “I don’t want to talk about it”. This went on for years as their life saving was hit over and over, until they had a tiny fraction of what they used to. So now, I will probably go out there, have to rent a house long-term (their dog is vicious so I can’t stay with them) or stay with my aunt who is also ill, which means no emotional break at all. If they stabilize her with meds and she can leave the hospital and fly, I’m forcing a move through a lawyer. I’m done with this ccrap

OP, I am in a situation a little similar to yours. My parents have little to no money except their house. They have told me many times they want to sell the house and move into something smaller, closer to me. For years I tried to help them achieve this goal yet nothing actually changed. And I do not have any siblings to help with this. I have finally realized that they are choosing by not choosing anything. At some point their health will not let them stay in their home and I realized I will just have to deal with this when it happens. I love them and I support them but I can't force them do anything...they are adults. It's not easy but I agree with your therapist to just let it go and deal with it when it happens. Because the alternative was me always stressed and angry and upset which was not good for anyone. Good luck to you.

One thing I did think of is that if my parents were to pass in their home, I would gladly let my sister take over and live there, and defer my 1/3. My brother would be the bigger issue. My sister could afford the taxes, etc. Not sure she’d want to though. My concern is a long, lingering nursing home death with no resources.

Anonymous wrote:

You're not getting crushed. You just want them to sell THEIR house for some unknown reason...when they don't need the money yet and haven't indicated they do.

Well, they can’t afford to maintain it, pay the taxes, pay the homeowners fees, got themselves 60K into debt due to not being able to manage money anymore, as well as drained over a million dollars down to around 20K because their ‘balanced fund’ was 90% high risk. So yeah, unknown reasons.

Anonymous wrote:You aren't helping and dumping it all on your sister. Stop complaining.

HAHAHAHA. Love these posts. My sister has the opportunity to leave at any time she wants. She’s co-dependent and actually trying to extend the situation there for her own benefit.

Anonymous wrote:
You are not mentally well because all these issues are not pressing or particularly hard to deal with for a mentally healthy person.

Please call your doctor to get a full work-up in case there's a physical cause, and if/when that's ruled out, get a referral to a psychiatrist who will start you on medication.

Let's rapidly parse through the issues now:

1. Your sister and parents do not need your help NOW. Do not freak out over something that hasn't happened and isn't likely to. You are not obligated to provide for your sister or your parents. Your parents can go to medicare nursing homes. Your sister will fend for herself.

2. Your children are independent and not in need of help, great.

3. Your husband is independent and not in need of help, great.

4. I'm sorry about your pet in intensive care, but for the moment you have no control over the outcome.

5. I understand there's another sick pet, but not critical? It's hard work, but you can do it.

Please call your doctor, OP. You are not well.

I’ve gotten counseling and was told that the problem is not me, it’s the one two three punch, rinse repeat, of people who can’t and won’t do for themselves. Sister will not get help. The other sick pet is dying of cancer and has been for three years. She started with another illness that sucked the life out of us for a long time, it was SO much work and so much suffering I wished for her death on occasion. Just when she was getting better, bam, cancer. They keep telling us 3 or 4 months but that stretches into years, with increasing symptoms and increasing care. Covid restrictions are not helping. SO hard to get ANYTHING done.

Therapist advised backing off and letting the chips fall where they may for my own mental health. Step in when they are so broken they don’t refuse the help. The problem lies in the resistance and constant battling. I wish the docs out there would be more helpful. My father’s is good about it by my mother’s is horrid.

You aren't helping and dumping it all on your sister. Stop complaining.