Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

This being the case I recommend you get an eldercare advocate or attorney involved. Preferably male. Preferably as old or older than them. Sorry, I realize that's sexist, but you need two things here - 1) someone to tell them what's what as far as what will fund your mother's care, etc. Have a pre-meet with this person and make crystal clear that this conversation is informative and not a debate. Your mother is where she needs to be and HER assets will be liquidated to fund her care via the POA that YOU hold; and 2) to give you cover and relieve some of your own guilt and conflict over this.

And I would not wait. The old saying that "possession is 9/10ths of the law" is absolutely true. The longer you let this go the worse it will be.

Make an appointment a.s.a.p. with an elder law attorney to protect your mother’s assets. There are laws on elder abuse.

Change the locks on the house as soon as possible. You can look up an approximate blue book value of your mother’s car online. Document that.

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my uncaring brothers and elderly mom who took a sudden turn and now needs private care at her assisted living apt. I did get the POA giving me control of her finances and healthcare. My brothers have no idea. Every time I talk with them about liquidating her home that now sits empty they go nuts! I found out one brother has plans to move into it. I guess he’s thinking he’ll rent out his smaller home. Meanwhile my other brother is driving her vehicle around valued at about 30k. I asked for the title to the car to sell and go towards her care and they are telling me things like, “ probably won’t get much for it so no point in selling”. House and car are in her name only and total less than 10% of her assets and could pay for her care for about 9 yrs.

They are fighting me on liquidating any of her assets to go towards her care! I now know I can legally do whatever I want to give my mom the best care she deserves with HER MONEY. I just feel horrible it’s come to this and I know my brothers are going to go nuts when they find out I am her POA and legally they have zero say now. I’m sick to my stomach I had to do this and how callous they are acting towards a woman who loved them so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

My older brother is the executor of her will. My attorney told me now as her POA I can sell off properties if needed for her care. While she’s here I am in charge of her finances and her health advocate. I can literally use every penny she has for her care and nothing will be left in her Will.
I pray having a private care giver keeping her from falling will keep her around for at least 10 more years. Shes 80 and her mom lived to 97 but her mom lived a healthier lifestyle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

do they have a point? Is assisted living no longer the place for her and she needs another placement that can provide more intensive services? Not that it would make it cheaper and you would still need to sell the house, etc most likely. Have you consulted a financial advisor for these type of situations?

Anonymous wrote:Is your mother able to talk with all of you and let your brothers know what SHE wants and that she decided to give you POA? It might be better coming from her than you, if she's able. Then as part of that discussion, you can tell your brothers that the house and car need to be sold to pay for her care. Would they make a stink about it if your mother was part of the conversation?

Also, make sure her will and any other estate planning documents are up to date.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a will? Who is the executor?

What is her prognosis?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry they are being so difficult. Don't give them so many chances to be obstinant. Hear them out if they hear you out and if you can't agree on something, proceed knowing you gave it a shot. Don't tell them you have poa just yet but do tell them you will act in the best course to provide her care. I cannot believe they would be so selfish, are you sure you're not leaving out some detail? Attachment to physical things should not be greater than that to their mom.

I swear on my soul there is nothing I’ve left out. Each time I try and have a reasonable conversation about her money for her care they both start yelling and talking over me and won’t let me get a word in. Things like, “we’re not selling off properties and throwing away the money”! and “you’re not making any decisions about moms assets without our consent!” and “why does she need a private caregiver when she’s already at assisted living, don’t they watch her all day”! Ugh

Anonymous wrote:Also, as difficult as it may be, try to separate your feelings about your brothers' actions from what you know you need to do to care for your mom. It's upsetting that they are acting like this, and hopefully it doesn't get worse, but your mother entrusted you with this for a reason (an obvious one at that, based on your OP). It's no consolation to be "right" in these situations, but try to stay clear and focused on what needs to be done.