Anonymous wrote:Why is your daughter checking her texts all day if she is struggling in school (and even if she is not)?

This. Why is her phone on?

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's very fair of you to be dismissive of anxieties and stresses the other girl may be feeling. It almost comes across as if you see it as a contest, like her issues aren't as legit as your daughters. Would you want someone to be dismissive of your daughter's eating disorder because their child was hospitalized more or failed more classes.

You need to worry about the amount of texts during the school day. First, tell your daughter to tell the girl something along, "my mom said I have to leave my phone at home if I keep getting so many texts." Of course if your daughter doesn't care, they will just switch to an app to text

Your daughter needs to talk with her therapist about the content of the messages.

OP's daughter is not equipped to deal with her friend's problems at this time. It is not being dismissive; it' s facing reality.

It's not just the amount of texts; it's the negativity in them. I am a pretty happy somewhat healthy adult, and I cannot deal with that much negativity. I cannot imagine what a child going thorugh what OP's daughter is going through dealing with that.

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely talk to the other parent and say that you are very fond of her daughter and so happy about their friendship, but as she probably knows, your daughter is still fragile and the texts are stressful. Be as positive as you can about the friend and tell the mom that you want her ideas about both girls can balance the texting with schoolwork and say that you know it’s a common problem these days and what does she think about it.

You should not just let it continue if you feel it is a problem. It’s your job to help your kid. I would discuss with the therapist first.

Yes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time the girl is over at your house I would tell her straight to her face "Hey, I check DD's texts and see you're texting her over 100 times a day. Please let DD concentrate when she's in school and try to cut your texts down to once or twice during school hours."

Just letting the other girl know you are aware of how often she texts and what she texts may be enough to get the girl to change her texting habits.

OMG no. No no no no no.

Why not?

I think you should encourage your daughter to discuss this with her therapist. I also think you should openly discuss with her how you set boundaries between work/life, ie don’t answer personal texts during the work day etc. I have never researched why teenaged girls connect through this negative self talk but I think it is common. I ran indoor track in the 90s. You had a fair amount of time to talk to your competition as you were put in heats in advance so the meet could run smoothly. Girls had had discussions like I am so tried, it is going to be like I am carrying a refrigerator the whole race. Next girl, “well I have my period so it is going to be like I am carrying a refrigerator and a dish washer.” (In contrast, I swear the boys would be saying things like “I drank until 2:00am last night and I am still going to smoke you in the final stretch…”)

You could also talk to the other kid with the idea that she was so helpful when your kid was struggling, so you know she has her back, but in case she didn’t know, she’s still fragile and the constant texting of her stress over the phone is impacting your kid, and you know that she doesn’t mean that to happen. Then ask if she needs help finding a listening ear.

Anonymous wrote:New rule, phone is off during the school day. Checking texts during her “work day” is a bad habit for dd to be developing.

This. She just needs to gently set a boundary by saying "My parents won't let me have my phone on during the school day. Just wanted to let you know so you don't wonder why I am not responding." Then read the texts with her to help her process them and respond with something like "That sounds tough. I am sorry you are dealing with that" or "I hope tomorrow is a better day" or "I am thinking of you and hoping things get better!"

I would absolutely talk to the other parent and say that you are very fond of her daughter and so happy about their friendship, but as she probably knows, your daughter is still fragile and the texts are stressful. Be as positive as you can about the friend and tell the mom that you want her ideas about both girls can balance the texting with schoolwork and say that you know it’s a common problem these days and what does she think about it.

You should not just let it continue if you feel it is a problem. It’s your job to help your kid. I would discuss with the therapist first.