Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

I'm sorry OP My mom became mean and nasty as she neared what was the eventual end, due to heart attack. I didn't think she had dementia, but after her death I am not so sure. It was part of it, as I took the abuse while helping her. The main thing is to figure out how to help her without letting the meanness get to you. Like I just ignored any drama about presents, and kept a running list of what she did and didn't seem to like in my phone.

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I would do so, and explain the situation. It was really really difficult. Basically it's like dealing with a really mean large toddler who now hates you for no apparent reason.

It sounds like your mother handled a lot of these things and your dad is a bit lost without her. It’s only been a couple years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

Sorry, pp, sounds terrible. I think when people talk about parenting, it means more time with them (organizing appointments, etc.), not less.

If she wasn't always like this, then this sounds more like cognitive decline/dementia, which could lead to you having to parent your parent. Sorry, PP.

For mom and dad, when they were in their early 80s and I was in my 40s. It was a gradual process for them, but by age 85, they were unable to completely care for themselves.

Probably not what you were expecting, but probably about age 7. My parents were extremely dysfunctional and looked to my sister and me for all levels of validation and emotional support. I’m late 30s now and only just now seeing how sinister the entire situation was. I managed to break the cycle with my own children but am seeing it play out with my sister and her kid, and it’s heartbreaking.

I was 41. She died when I was 44.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

Sorry, pp, sounds terrible. I think when people talk about parenting, it means more time with them (organizing appointments, etc.), not less.

NP here. These were the kind of things my grandmother would say to me and my mother when she lived with us that were the first signs of dementia. I am so sorrhiy your mother has spoken to you like this; it is incredibly hurtful. But maybe these are signs of a bigger picture and aren't her true feelings. I send you hugs and wish you luck.

Anonymous wrote:For us it was between 70 and 80

Same. My mom passed from cancer at 78.p, but was fully in control until her diagnosis 6 months before her death. I was 40. My dad is 82 with a degenerative disease and my sibling is his caretaker. My mom had me at 38, which was rare back then. This is going to be happening much earlier for children today whose parents had the n their 40s or even dare I say 50.

Anonymous wrote:About age 10. My parents were 18 when they married; lived a chaotic hippie lifestyle. If I wanted a meal, I cooked it. If I wanted a clean room, I cleaned it. If I wanted new clothes, I earned the money. I had to answer the phone calls from Bill collectors. I rode my bike to the library, did well in school and got the heck out. Rewarded with an adulthood of choosing between intervening in crises or totally checking out for years at a time.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope you have managed to find happiness.

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

Sorry, pp, sounds terrible. I think when people talk about parenting, it means more time with them (organizing appointments, etc.), not less.

This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

About age 10. My parents were 18 when they married; lived a chaotic hippie lifestyle. If I wanted a meal, I cooked it. If I wanted a clean room, I cleaned it. If I wanted new clothes, I earned the money. I had to answer the phone calls from Bill collectors. I rode my bike to the library, did well in school and got the heck out. Rewarded with an adulthood of choosing between intervening in crises or totally checking out for years at a time.

43 here and an only child. My parents are 73 and 76. My mother has a host of medical issues, but both are still very much of sound mind…yet it is already starting here.
I have 2 very young children, and my parents live 3 hours away in a very low COL area, so relocating them closer to us will be a huge challenge. Even with selling their home, they could never afford the retirement communities in this area. I love them so much, but I dread the coming years.

Anonymous wrote:I was 13. My parents have serious mental health issues.

I am so sorry! I hope you got some good therapy to process all that!

I was 13. My parents have serious mental health issues.