Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need some ideas/inspiration for my kids' bio-mom for Christmas. They basically severed ties with her a little less than 3 years ago due to trauma and abuse, and in an effort to keep the peace and let her feel some level of inclusion, I have been making her gifts for Mother's Days and Christmases during that time.

There are substance abuse and mental health issues, so I almost need to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't take the gift as a dig (there's a lot of paranoia and overly reading into things that happen on her end).

In the past, I've made baked goods, etched glass with the kids' names and birth dates, a pillowcase with their names, keychains with their birth flowers and names, and hand-painted ornaments in the shapes of their initials. Any suggestions for Christmas gifts this year would be MUCH appreciated!

**I know that some may feel that I shouldn't do anything for her, so before that is said, I just want to explain that I do it because I don't want her to push relationships/visits/communication with the kids that they are not ready for or open to. My goal is to keep her happy enough that she gives them their space to heal until they decide that they want to pursue a relationship with her.

This HAS to be a troll. “Thanks for traumatizing and abusing my kids. Merry Christmas!”

Anonymous wrote:I need some ideas/inspiration for my kids' bio-mom for Christmas. They basically severed ties with her a little less than 3 years ago due to trauma and abuse, and in an effort to keep the peace and let her feel some level of inclusion, I have been making her gifts for Mother's Days and Christmases during that time.

There are substance abuse and mental health issues, so I almost need to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't take the gift as a dig (there's a lot of paranoia and overly reading into things that happen on her end).

In the past, I've made baked goods, etched glass with the kids' names and birth dates, a pillowcase with their names, keychains with their birth flowers and names, and hand-painted ornaments in the shapes of their initials. Any suggestions for Christmas gifts this year would be MUCH appreciated!

**I know that some may feel that I shouldn't do anything for her, so before that is said, I just want to explain that I do it because I don't want her to push relationships/visits/communication with the kids that they are not ready for or open to. My goal is to keep her happy enough that she gives them their space to heal until they decide that they want to pursue a relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

I would get a lawyer and get her out of all our lives!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Anonymous wrote:Could you take a piece of art each of them drew and have them turned into something like dish towels? The kids don’t need to draw a picture specifically for this purpose, just grab one from the art pile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

I've been married to their dad since they were babies and they've been living with us full-time since then, so they refer to her as their bio-mom and me as their bonus mom. It's just how we've always clarified things when dealing with teachers, doctors, therapists, etc. There's no "meaning" behind it, it's just a habit out of clarification. Her parental rights were terminated a few years ago, but she is still considered a legal guardian, she just can't make any custodial decisions or have input on custodial decisions concerning the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?