Anonymous
11/17/2021 15:03
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:
Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless
The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit
Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.
Good for you guys for doing the work, that’s awesome.
Thank you. It is tough and some days I’m just not sure I can get back there. But we’re doing what we can.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 15:00
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:
Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless
The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit
Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.
Good for you guys for doing the work, that’s awesome.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:57
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
DW here. Timeline:
Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless
The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit
Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.
Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless
The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit
Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:56
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Never. But I had a few years of “business sex” where I was stressed, strapped and no libido- so was a more passive, non-initiating partner when my kids were in elementary school.
When husband got over his midlife entitled behavior and started really chipping in and kids reached MS/HS, my libido came back hard.
We never missed a week without sex though, even the years I had little libido.
cool story bro
Interesting you doubt this post - why? This was my (wife) experience - sex was more routine/businesslike/less passionate/less frequent when kids where small - libido/frequency/passion returned big time when kids were older. But we never let it become "sexless" - always had 1x a week. Now, more like 5x.
I don’t doubt the post, but it’s not actually responsive to the question that was asked, more just the above posters flexing. My post on this thread if it doesn’t apply to you? It’s unhelpful and unkind.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:54
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.
Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:52
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:48
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:I had a big bout of depression at age 35 and if you count once a week as sexless like my asshole husband did, it began then. Things are better now but I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive him for how he handled the whole thing. Now sex isn’t about being emotionally close at all. It’s enjoyable but it will never be the same.
Hanging on to resentment is unhealthy, and often quite selfish.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:39
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Never. But I had a few years of “business sex” where I was stressed, strapped and no libido- so was a more passive, non-initiating partner when my kids were in elementary school.
When husband got over his midlife entitled behavior and started really chipping in and kids reached MS/HS, my libido came back hard.
We never missed a week without sex though, even the years I had little libido.
cool story bro
Interesting you doubt this post - why? This was my (wife) experience - sex was more routine/businesslike/less passionate/less frequent when kids where small - libido/frequency/passion returned big time when kids were older. But we never let it become "sexless" - always had 1x a week. Now, more like 5x.
+1
If men would know this and hang in there instead of going out and cheating during that time. Sigh.
I don't think men should go out and cheat regardless, but the bounce back is absolutely not guaranteed even if the guy is a solid husband. I'm sure the bounce back isn't exactly rare, but I'm not convinced its better than a 50/50 chance.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:38
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
True sexless marriage started for me about 3 years ago (43 years old, married 14 years). The slowdown started after kid #2 10 years ago, were about 2x a month, had multiple conversations about it. I assumed it would get better when kids stopped breastfeeding, toddler, elementary school, when I got snipped, etc. It only got worse.
I am tall, attractive and successful. Sometimes people totally lose libido and it's not their partner's fault. I would MUCH MUCH rather be cheated on and have a good sex life. This is misery.
I am tall, attractive and successful. Sometimes people totally lose libido and it's not their partner's fault. I would MUCH MUCH rather be cheated on and have a good sex life. This is misery.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:34
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We’ve been together 20 years now. It seems like its always been once or twice a week. I’m certainly not complaining especially when I read about all of the dead bedrooms on this forum.
Why even post? Really!
I’m sorry. Inforgot this thread was about negativity and bitterness. Thank you for attacking and putting me in my place.
Oh poor little boo boo! Did somebody ask you to explain why you are a little beeeach about 2x a week for 30 years and it hurt your itty bitty feelings.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:33
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:When I got pregnant with my second child. Reason... husband not able to transition to being a family, or just an asshole.
So much this.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:32
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We’ve been together 20 years now. It seems like its always been once or twice a week. I’m certainly not complaining especially when I read about all of the dead bedrooms on this forum.
Why even post? Really!
I’m sorry. Inforgot this thread was about negativity and bitterness. Thank you for attacking and putting me in my place.
It’s not about negativity or bitterness. People are sharing experiences, there may be patterns people can learn from.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:31
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Honestly, it a mistake from day one. We did not have sex on our honeymoon. A year in and almost no sex later, he admitted to having low testosterone. He did not want to do any treatment for it. I really wanted out of the marriage then and before. We should not have married--we were just not compatiable and sex was only one issue. We had a 2 year sex drought and then a 7 year sex drought until we divorced. Sexless is easy for a low-t spouse. Married a decade (we married in early and mid 30s).
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:23
Subject: When did your sexless marriage begin?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We’ve been together 20 years now. It seems like its always been once or twice a week. I’m certainly not complaining especially when I read about all of the dead bedrooms on this forum.
Why even post? Really!
I’m sorry. Inforgot this thread was about negativity and bitterness. Thank you for attacking and putting me in my place.
Anonymous
11/17/2021 14:16
Subject: Re:When did your sexless marriage begin?
After I found him having the 2nd affair. Before that 3x/week.