Anonymous wrote:You won't regret not having a 3rd but your feelings are valid, if unexplainable. I don't know if the root is hormones or something else but I feel the same as you. We should not want another, don't like babies or pregnancy but just want another kid. I just try not to dwell on those irrational desires but they are there.

NP here. How long should it take to not regret it? OP, everyone is right that if your husband isn’t on board, it’s a no. But for me it’s been several years and I still long for a third. I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be glad we stopped at 2.

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to a friend who has 2- I have 2. We both wanted 3. In my case DH was adamantly against having a 3rd in her case it never ended up making sense for their family- they were overwhelmed and had other stuff going on. Now that her oldest is in middle school and our others are starting to creep up to the end of elementary, we are glad we stopped at 2. We were saying the challenges change but bigger kid challenges are still challenges. Her and I are both very active parts of our kids lives, volunteering, etc. We both work but feel we are at capacity with being able to give our kids what they need while still maintaining a life outside of them. My worries are different now that I have older kids.. things are just so much simpler when they are the age yours are and you can’t foresee the challenges when the rose colored glasses come off and the big kid-pre-teen problems start to appear.

Might be worth having another discussion with your DH, and if he is a pretty hard no, try to move to acceptance or put your focus on other things that fulfill you.

Wow, this is me. So much.

Wait until middle school OP. You'll wish you had 1! Ha. It's a lot of emotional energy when they are older and very, very draining and they really need you more than ever in a weird way.

I'm glad I stopped at 2. I don't think I can do the tween/teen years more than twice.

I have four. They’re all wonderful, but I think I’m probably tapped out. And I’m still sad about the imaginary fifth in may never get to meet. But also about all the millions of possible kids if I’d ovulated a different egg or we’d had sex a different day and it had been a different sperm, or what if it was the egg from Kid 1 and the sperm from Kid 3… basically I think you may always wonder, no matter how many kids you have.

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids and am firmly staying with only 2.

I am still sometimes a twinge jealous about people who have 3. Mainly I am jealous they aren't as burned out by 2 kids as I am and they want to have another! But it's not about THEM. My life is best with only 2. I am at my max, and I want to be the best mom I can be to the 2 kids I already have. I feel very sure having a 3rd will make that harder, so I am not going to do it.

So my rational side beats out the emotional "ooh look at that baby" feelings.

+1. I could have written all of this.

We have three, and of course I love them all! I actually wish we had gone for 4, because I think having an even number would have been better. As it is, one seems to be left out (not always the same one - they just seem to do better in twos!) So, just something to consider...

I felt like you OP when my second turned 2. Both DH and I were ambiguous about it. I was worried about my career and DH was worried about finance and bandwidth. I ended up getting pregnant and we have 3. We are happy and I am totally done. I have never had that longing for another kid. My third is going to be 3 in a few months and life is slowly starting to get more manageable. Things are working out financially and with my career, but the bandwidth has been as issue. Our third is a handful and needs a lot of attention. We have a FT live in nanny and I can’t imagine doing it without her.

I know our limit is 2 but if you feel you can do 3, why not? Obviously talk to your husband first!

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to a friend who has 2- I have 2. We both wanted 3. In my case DH was adamantly against having a 3rd in her case it never ended up making sense for their family- they were overwhelmed and had other stuff going on. Now that her oldest is in middle school and our others are starting to creep up to the end of elementary, we are glad we stopped at 2. We were saying the challenges change but bigger kid challenges are still challenges. Her and I are both very active parts of our kids lives, volunteering, etc. We both work but feel we are at capacity with being able to give our kids what they need while still maintaining a life outside of them. My worries are different now that I have older kids.. things are just so much simpler when they are the age yours are and you can’t foresee the challenges when the rose colored glasses come off and the big kid-pre-teen problems start to appear.

Might be worth having another discussion with your DH, and if he is a pretty hard no, try to move to acceptance or put your focus on other things that fulfill you.

This. I can handle the logistics of little kids, but want to be sure I have full emotional bandwidth for big kids. Those years can really set a child up for an easier or harder young adulthood.

I have 2 kids. I really wanted a third and my husband did not. Long story short, our second child had a lot of medical issues as an infant and while he is ok now, I think my husband in particular just couldn't go through that again.

For what it's worth- I'm sure if we had the third we would have been fine. I also don't regret it at this point. My kids are 11 and 9 and we're really, really busy with activities and school and everything for them. We know a lot of families with 3 or 4 and they're great too, but for the most part the mom doesn't work or at most, is part time (I work full time). I'm not sure we could have managed activities on the level we do plus our jobs with more than 2 kids.

They're also getting to the age where college is not too far off and I appreciate that we're only looking at 2 tuitions. And everything with covid- easier to think about moving 2 kids to private school than 3. If you have absolutely no money worries it may be a different story for you, but we're more DCUM middle class and it's nice to feel like financially at least, we have options. We have the time and money to breathe.

I know that no one would trade their third or fourth kid for all the money in the world and I'm sure had we had one, I wouldn't either. But as someone who is years down the road from where you are now, it's fine and I really am good with where we ended up.

Keep track of when you feel like this. Write it down every evening before bed. Did I have an intense longing for another kid today? Y/N

You may find that you only can’t stop thinking about that other baby when you’re ovulating. In which case, you will know that it is your body. You might be able to let it go, the same way you let a craving for 5 more cookies when you already had one pass. If you track it and find that the feeling is persistent, beyond your body going through its natural cycle, then maybe you should start a conversation with your partner about what is best for your family.

I was just talking to a friend who has 2- I have 2. We both wanted 3. In my case DH was adamantly against having a 3rd in her case it never ended up making sense for their family- they were overwhelmed and had other stuff going on. Now that her oldest is in middle school and our others are starting to creep up to the end of elementary, we are glad we stopped at 2. We were saying the challenges change but bigger kid challenges are still challenges. Her and I are both very active parts of our kids lives, volunteering, etc. We both work but feel we are at capacity with being able to give our kids what they need while still maintaining a life outside of them. My worries are different now that I have older kids.. things are just so much simpler when they are the age yours are and you can’t foresee the challenges when the rose colored glasses come off and the big kid-pre-teen problems start to appear.

Might be worth having another discussion with your DH, and if he is a pretty hard no, try to move to acceptance or put your focus on other things that fulfill you.

Talk to your husband. No pressure. Tell him where you are at. See where he is at.

I do think hormones do play a huge part of this, but it doesn’t mean you have to just ignore it.

Anonymous wrote:Current kids are 1.5 and 3.5. We have our hands full but they are happy, thriving, wonderful. I'm lucky and I know I should just be satisfied with what we have.

We only planned on two kids. We budgeted for two kids and have a nice lifestyle. A lot of things would be stretched if we had more, not only finances but space, time, patience. I know all this.

I hated being pregnant. I hated the newborn phase.

Still, there's something in me that just feels like my family isn't complete. I don't even understand how that's a feeling, but it is and I have it strongly. I find myself jealous of women announcing pregnancy when though I absolutely hate pregnancy and thought I never wanted to be pregnant again. (No, it's not cause they get attention or anything, I hated that part too.) I just really want another kid despite all logic and reason.

Is this just a phase? Hormones? DH doesn't want a third so it's probably moot. Should I just ignore these feelings and hope they go away? Will I regret it forever if I don't have another?

I felt the exact same as you with the same ages. We went for the third and are quite happy that we did. In retrospect, I think that I was self conscious or embarrassed about wanting more kids. Women today are so harsh and judgmental re: family size. It really made me insecure for wanting a large family. Now that I'm older, I wish that I'd just done it and not given a damn about what anyone else thought. My family wasn't complete. We went for 3 and now it is. Done. My only piece of advise to you, OP, is to plan for the family that you want 5, 10, 15 yrs from now. Never plan around the infant stages because that's fleeting. When I"m 60+, I want my three kids and their grandkids. I also want me children to have each other when things get rough. We've had a lot of family tragedies that have called for me and my siblings to pull together and support each other. I want the same for my babies.

Anonymous wrote:These feelings can be difficult to manage. But they are not feelings that you have to respond to, or act in furtherance of. They will pass. That feeling is probably the biological imperative, and not different from feeling hungry so that you go look for food. Notice it, acknowledge it and move on. Repeat as often as necessary.

OP here. Thanks for this and others who wrote similar advice. This is genuinely helpful.

Anonymous wrote:2 kids same gender?

A boy and a girl, so it's not about that, although I would have been happy with two of the same gender anyway. They're both just such unique, amazing little people and I keep thinking about what the third might be like. I feel so sad that I'll never get to meet or get to know that one.

2 kids same gender?