OP it sounds like BIL was lashing out generally and you got caught in the crossfire. And then he didn't really have a reason for it, to back it up so made general excuses.

It also sounds like you're fully sucked into their drama (not your fault) but I would attempt to extract as much as possible - they need to sort it out between them and you shouldn't be involved unless it's taking care of a kid or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next SIL calls to vent about BIL inform her that she needs to consult a therapist. Do not get in the middle.

+1. Don’t listen to her complaints and offer solutions or even be sympathetic. Change the subject. Talk about the kids or work. Their marriage is now taboo.

+2 You can be her friend, but not for that topic. Either your friendship with her, or your DH and his brother's will not survive the divorce.

I think you may be right. Thanks. I will no longer discuss BIL or their relationship w her at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is using you. Don't play those games because you will ruin the relationship your DH has with his brother. Do you want that?

No, of course I don’t want that. In fact, I am always encouraging my husband to be close w his brother. I’m wondering if you’re right that my SIL is using me and trying to break up my BIL’s connection to my husband in the process. I had never considered she might do something like that. But now I’m suspicious of her. This sucks. I hate the drama.

What you need to do is stop thinking in such dramatic and absolute terms. You don’t need to cut your relationship with her. You don’t need to make any long term decisions. Right now I think your BIL needs support so it’s fine to put more distance in your relationship with SIL. Talk to her less for a few weeks/months and focus primarily on her and the kids. End the conversation when she brings up her relationship with BIL.

It’s not all or nothing.

You’re right. Thanks

Anonymous wrote:I had this exact thing happen to me but genders all reversed. Ex BIL twisted our words to support whatever point he was making with SIL. She was livid with us for months and stopped talking to us for some time. Took a couple years to get back to where we were, even though I didn’t think we did anything wrong but also we apologized multiple times regardless.

I went through that conversation so many times and I know we didn’t say what was implied. But we cut ties after that. I did think Ex BIL may have generally been in the right and perhaps that came through. Regardless, the relationship with SIL was more important to us and unless they had a good ex relationship (which they didn’t), we did not want to get in the middle of it. It was the right decision to cut ties. They had no children so we have no connection with him anymore.

They weren’t married that long, so they might change my response. But if they aren’t on good terms, I do think you will need to pick sides. Not because you’re being forced to but because this will happen again.

Thanks for responding. We’ll stay on good terms w both BIL and SIL if possible since they do have kids and we want to stay in the kids’ lives as much as possible. Since SIL and I are the 2 “outlaws” of the family, and since BIL (and other members of Dh’s family) are difficult people, I think for a long time I allowed myself to be kind of willfully ignorant of some of the ways in which SIL is a difficult person too herself. I have no blood sisters and I really always wanted a sister so I think sometimes I tried a bit too hard to make SIL like a sister to me but I’ve been Doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and realizing many times when SIL has proven to be manipulative and I now kind of feel like she did “use” me or at least was tricky/sneaky in this case so I trust her a lot less now. I’ve seen her “play games” like that and do things that cause drama and/or are mean before but it has never been directed toward me or DH before so I didn’t think as much about it. I had been mostly thinking BIL’s issues were primarily leading to their relationship problems but now I can see how SIL has contributed a lot of hurt and difficulty to their relationship too so I’m prepared to be a lot more neutral going forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to warn you now, this will get worse after the divorce. You having a close relationship with your BIL ex will negatively impact your husbands relationship with his brother and the extended family dynamics in general.

Not saying you need to cut ties with her, but you will need to distance yourself.

So, as someone who has been the kid on the other side of this, if you want your kids to continue to have a close cousin relationship with those kids, if the mother has primary custody, stay cordial with her. It sounds like the BIL already has a crappy relationship with the rest of his blood family, so, she may be the gatekeeper to the kids.

I would tell her that you are not able to talk about BIL/her marriage, but that otherwise you cam remain friendly.

Thank you. Yes, I’m OP and I commented above that we do have a nephew and niece and will do our best to maintain ties w both SIL and BIL so that we can remain part of the kids’ lives. We’ll do whatever is needed to make sure that happens.

Anonymous wrote:I am going to warn you now, this will get worse after the divorce. You having a close relationship with your BIL ex will negatively impact your husbands relationship with his brother and the extended family dynamics in general.

Not saying you need to cut ties with her, but you will need to distance yourself.

I am planning to take a huge step back from my relationship with SIL. After much thought, discussion w my husband, (and reading the responses here!), I think SIL was likely using her closeness w me to create a wedge between BIL and DH. This is unfortunate bc I thought she was not only my SIL but a friend and this feels like a mean and tricky thing for her to do. She is so angry w BIL though that I can see her just trying to hurt him in any way and she knows it would hurt him if he thought DH and I were in any way on “her side.” I’m not going to say anything more to either of them right now but want to try to make it clear to BIL that we care about and support him and also I will never discuss (even a seemingly benign comment) the state of their relationship or of BIL in general w SIL again. In fact, I plan to avoid talking to her at all for awhile.

They do have 2 kids who we adore so if nothing else we need to keep our relationships w both of them in tact for the kids’ sake/so we can continue to be in the kids’ lives. We need to tread lightly here I think.

Anonymous wrote:I am going to warn you now, this will get worse after the divorce. You having a close relationship with your BIL ex will negatively impact your husbands relationship with his brother and the extended family dynamics in general.

Not saying you need to cut ties with her, but you will need to distance yourself.

So, as someone who has been the kid on the other side of this, if you want your kids to continue to have a close cousin relationship with those kids, if the mother has primary custody, stay cordial with her. It sounds like the BIL already has a crappy relationship with the rest of his blood family, so, she may be the gatekeeper to the kids.

I would tell her that you are not able to talk about BIL/her marriage, but that otherwise you cam remain friendly.

I had this exact thing happen to me but genders all reversed. Ex BIL twisted our words to support whatever point he was making with SIL. She was livid with us for months and stopped talking to us for some time. Took a couple years to get back to where we were, even though I didn’t think we did anything wrong but also we apologized multiple times regardless.

I went through that conversation so many times and I know we didn’t say what was implied. But we cut ties after that. I did think Ex BIL may have generally been in the right and perhaps that came through. Regardless, the relationship with SIL was more important to us and unless they had a good ex relationship (which they didn’t), we did not want to get in the middle of it. It was the right decision to cut ties. They had no children so we have no connection with him anymore.

They weren’t married that long, so they might change my response. But if they aren’t on good terms, I do think you will need to pick sides. Not because you’re being forced to but because this will happen again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is using you. Don't play those games because you will ruin the relationship your DH has with his brother. Do you want that?

No, of course I don’t want that. In fact, I am always encouraging my husband to be close w his brother. I’m wondering if you’re right that my SIL is using me and trying to break up my BIL’s connection to my husband in the process. I had never considered she might do something like that. But now I’m suspicious of her. This sucks. I hate the drama.

What you need to do is stop thinking in such dramatic and absolute terms. You don’t need to cut your relationship with her. You don’t need to make any long term decisions. Right now I think your BIL needs support so it’s fine to put more distance in your relationship with SIL. Talk to her less for a few weeks/months and focus primarily on her and the kids. End the conversation when she brings up her relationship with BIL.

It’s not all or nothing.

I am going to warn you now, this will get worse after the divorce. You having a close relationship with your BIL ex will negatively impact your husbands relationship with his brother and the extended family dynamics in general.

Not saying you need to cut ties with her, but you will need to distance yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next SIL calls to vent about BIL inform her that she needs to consult a therapist. Do not get in the middle.

+1. Don’t listen to her complaints and offer solutions or even be sympathetic. Change the subject. Talk about the kids or work. Their marriage is now taboo.

+2 You can be her friend, but not for that topic. Either your friendship with her, or your DH and his brother's will not survive the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:The next SIL calls to vent about BIL inform her that she needs to consult a therapist. Do not get in the middle.

+1. Don’t listen to her complaints and offer solutions or even be sympathetic. Change the subject. Talk about the kids or work. Their marriage is now taboo.

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds as if the BIL had a fight with his wife and is now blaming the easy target instead of working on himself.

He's a jerk, and you don't need to accommodate him.

+1. He sounds like my BIL who is a jerk who yells at and picks fights w my FIL who is in failing health and w my young kids. We don’t see him much…

The next SIL calls to vent about BIL inform her that she needs to consult a therapist. Do not get in the middle.

It sounds as if the BIL had a fight with his wife and is now blaming the easy target instead of working on himself.

He's a jerk, and you don't need to accommodate him.