Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.
Make a list of same old stories and put on a card. Use the BINGO card for yourself. If it fills up, give yourself a special treat.
-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.
Stop waiting for her to join in. Just invite her. If she says no, then say “Oh well. I’m taking the kids out for a walk. See you in an hour.”

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.
“Perfect. That means it’s time for Mommy-Larla time. Madge, thanks for watching the kids while I take the baby.” Then leave the room and enjoy some quiet time away from here.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.
Not sure what to do about this. Remind yourself that she’s only there for a week.


-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.
STOP SHARING! This is on you. For a week you can regulate yourself and keep your complaints/frustrations to yourself. Call a friend. Write in your journal. But stop trying to make conversation with her about this.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.
It’s a week. You can manage this behavior. Stop judging her. She’s a grandparent and wants to feel like she’s doing something special for her grandchildren.”

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.
Your husband needs to address this.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.
Let it go.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down and tell DH:

1) I will work on not showing my irritation. You are right: she is a guest in my home, and I should do my best to be pleasant and to leave the room if I am starting to lose my patience.

2) What will help me with this is if YOU take the lead in entertaining her and cleaning up after her. She makes a mess in this house, and you either need to nip it in the bud by asking her to clean up after herself, or you need to do the cleaning. I will not be cleaning up her messes. I also need you to lead the conversation as much as possible so that I can just smile and mentally check out when I need to. I also am going to do chores around the house and run errands to try to get breaks, so you’re taking the lead and I’m leaving you to it.

So basically, give what you can.

A lot of this is so understandable about old people: of course she wants to talk about her memories, her relatives, family resemblances—this is common. This is her “imprinting” on you younger folks so that she won’t be forgotten after she dies. You being irritated with her about this is about as reasonable as you being irritated with a little kid for telling rambling stories or a teenager for sulking and withdrawing.

You nurse when you nurse. If she tells you baby needs to nurse and it’s not time, just “Mmm hmm uh huh” her. Don’t engage.

Her trying to get a reaction from your kids over gifts has nothing to do with you—the natural consequence of that irritating behavior is that they won’t like spending time with grandma as they get older. OK.

Like, a lot of this is purely ignore-able.

Anonymous wrote:Add activities! Have DH take his mom out for a drive, out for lunch, even a sightseeing tour.

Have things that YOU have to do-take your nursing baby out and about with you (then just drive away for a few hours, go to a new playground and sit) and have MIL babysit the others.

Could you embark on an at home project while MIL is visiting and be over the up grateful that she can watch your kids while you do X in another room? I’m thinking; pulling out your winter clothes or filling a bag with donations that you’ll immediately drive to a thrift store? Or, even laundry - get in all done.

Limit your one on one time with MIL. Do something engaging as a family. A walk around the neighborhood? Have MIL play a board game or bake cookies with older kids?