Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Maybe but gentle communication helps.

My daughter told my son I was hurt he never calls me (I worked incredibly hard to help him overcome many challenges and enjoy success now and tried to be the best mother I could despite coming from an abusive mentally unwell mother myself). He told her immediately that he loves me very much but was busy and he was sorry. He called very soon after and agreed to check in more regularly.

I adore his wife and there is no jealousy between us. She does communicate much more regularly with her parents than he does, even though she confides a lot of stuff to me she can mmm does not talk about with them. On the other hand, my brother is one of the best communicators in my family.

So it may not be always true, but I think you right that sons are often less sensitive than daughters to being considerate to feelings of parents - otherwise where would that cliche come from (a son is a son until he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter for life) … yet with gentle nudges, they can do better. There are so many other ways, he is a great son by working hard to reach his dreams and being a devoted Husband who chose a kind, intelligent wife. I am so glad we have good relations with his wife and that helps keep us all connected.

If you want to talk to your son, call him. If you are upset with him, tell him. You’re really pitting your kids against each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge honey / I told my daughter in confidence and she told my brother. We got into an argument about it as I did not want to put pressure on him. It worked out well but I try not not to put pressure on my son or DIL as they are both so busy. When we do get together we have wonderful times.

Well, you’re condescending by saying “honey.” If you feel hurt about your son, tell a friend or SO. Do not tell your daughter, who is clearly not trustworthy.

OP is an expert on genetic genes

I don't think it's all socialization. My parents were very co-equal in terms of parenting and domestic tasks, and my dad helps to care for my mom's mother, who is in assisted living near them. My brother lives in the same city as my parents and sees them a few times a year. I live across the country so I don't see them often either, but normally we go out for 9 or 10 days once a year and my parents come visit us 2-3 times for a week each, so I spend a lot more time with them than my brother does. He just doesn't make it a priority.

Anonymous wrote:This is about personality and societal pressure/expectations.

There has been a lot of scientific research into this universal gender gap in providing unpaid care for family members. Scientists believe it is caused by a combination of biology (nature) and socialization (nurture). How much so, is impossible to gauge. But agree that socializing sons to care for family members in practical ways is critical.

This is about personality and societal pressure/expectations.

Your mom raised them this way. You reap what you sow. My brother is the same way.

Anonymous wrote:As previously mentioned, women are socialized to be caregivers and men are not.

Science is more on the side of unknowable combination of nature and nurture …

As previously mentioned, women are socialized to be caregivers and men are not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes absolutely and the level of denial among many posters here is shocking. Who cares if it is genetic or socialization but this gender gap in providing unpaid care is real.

Women dropped out of workforce during pandemic in record numbers to care for children who could not attend in person school and needed supervision.

Women perform much higher levels of family carer work both as family volunteers and as paid carer professionals.

https://www.americanprogress.org/article/covid-19-sent-womens-workforce-progress-backward/
“The collapse of the child care sector and drastic reductions in school supervision hours as a result of COVID-19 could drive millions of mothers out of the paid workforce. Inaction could cost billions, undermine family economic security, and set gender equity back a generation.”


https://www.un.org/en/desa/world%E2%80%99s-women-2020
“While unpaid domestic and care work has intensified for both men and women during the COVID-19 pandemic, women continue to do the lion’s share. On an average day, women globally spend about three times as many hours on unpaid domestic and care work as men (4.2 hours compared to 1.7). In Northern Africa and Western Asia that gender gap is even higher, with women spending more than seven times as much as men on these activities.”

+1

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious about this. It’s not just in my family but in a lot of my friends families as well. It seems daughters go up and beyond for their parents and sons are worthless.
My mom was just placed in assisted living and one brother visits her weekly and my other brother rarely visits. She fell last night and is in the hospital. My two brothers live 10 mts from the hospital and neither one has gone to see her. My one brother just called me asking when I was driving down to see her. I asked him why he hasn’t he gone to see her yet and he moaned, “well I was going riding today”. My other brother said he was golfing today. Fyi we’re talking about an amazing mother who would die for her kids and has always been there for us emotionally and financially(if needed). I live hour and half away and drive down to see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3. Of course I’m running to see her today. I just don’t get the mindset.

Yes absolutely and the level of denial among many posters here is shocking. Who cares if it is genetic or socialization but this gender gap in providing unpaid care is real.

Women dropped out of workforce during pandemic in record numbers to care for children who could not attend in person school and needed supervision.

Women perform much higher levels of family carer work both as family volunteers and as paid carer professionals.

https://www.americanprogress.org/article/covid-19-sent-womens-workforce-progress-backward/
“The collapse of the child care sector and drastic reductions in school supervision hours as a result of COVID-19 could drive millions of mothers out of the paid workforce. Inaction could cost billions, undermine family economic security, and set gender equity back a generation.”


https://www.un.org/en/desa/world%E2%80%99s-women-2020
“While unpaid domestic and care work has intensified for both men and women during the COVID-19 pandemic, women continue to do the lion’s share. On an average day, women globally spend about three times as many hours on unpaid domestic and care work as men (4.2 hours compared to 1.7). In Northern Africa and Western Asia that gender gap is even higher, with women spending more than seven times as much as men on these activities.”

No

You should meet my dad and brothers. Dad ran his own company and turned down massive promotions before that to bank e his life better. Coached us in sports, always bought his parents presents and planned holidays or day trips to them, took care of my mom through two cancers and a staph infection. Still offers excellent life advice and has his priorities straight and lives by them.

So what was your response to your brothers. If it was anything other than:
“Let me make sure I understand this: your mother just went into the hospital a few hours ago, you live 10 minutes from the hospital, and your response to is ‘I gotta go riding/play golf.’ Am I understanding this correctly?”

Then come back after you’ve asked this. I really want to hear what their response was.

My brother lives closer and is a phenomenal caregiver to our mother. My husband never, ever calls my mother, but he’ll build her anything she needs, and is happy to do it. I’ll probably retire early to help more. It’s at some financial cost for us, but they deserve my time. I guess my point is we don’t all give the same way. Though yeah, I would have hoped someone closer at least stopped in to the hospital.

No.

Lots of other factors are at play here. I'm a woman, and I used to put a lot of effort into caring for my parents. I used most of my vacation time for years to care for my mom who has several chronic illnesses, because my dad is such a poor caretaker. However, after my older siblings married and started having kids, and I was still single, my mother started acting very hostile towards me. I don't know why. Her behavior was borderline abusive and pushed me into therapy. I finally decided for my own well being that I would step back from care for her and let my older siblings take that on, since she was so much more approving of their lives and seemed happier with them. At first this made everyone angry with me because of course it's harder to provide care for aging parents when you have kids. But I'd started reading about how youngest daughters are often forced into that caregiving role and become disturbed by the inherent misogyny in that approach (I have a younger brother as well). I didn't want to sacrifice my future to become my mom's nurse.

And now I do very little for them. I visit once or twice a year. I have since started my own family and my focus is on them. My mom is nicer to me since I became a mom, but I feel like I learned the limitations to her love and I'm cautious with it now. I don't feel I owe anyone anything. In many ways, I feel like I've become similar to those men people like OP complain about, focused entirely on my own life and not setting aside time or energy for my parents. And I'm okay with it.

You reap what you so. No one, not even your children, owes you anything. If you make your love conditional, theirs will be too.

Your brothers weren’t raised to prioritize family and don’t realize their responsibility to your mother. It’s hard to instill those values this late in the game. If you have kids, set a good example by talking about this and having them help you care for your mother.