Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:52     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:For all that I theoretically think people should be open about their salaries, I find it tacky (yes, classist of me, but this is an anonymous forum) when people talk about money. So someone saying they bought a house on Nantucket is fine (good for you! enjoy!), but someone calling attention to how expensive houses on Nantucket are, the way your friend is, would bug me, too.

"Bitsy, you can just enjoy having a summer house. You don't have to apologize to us. And come the Revolution, you're getting stuck in a tumbril no matter how guilty you feel about the distribution of wealth, so just hunker down with some swatches while you can."


But your last sentence is the kind of thing that makes people want to hide their wealth. Those comments are not necessary.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:49     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
For all that I theoretically think people should be open about their salaries, I find it tacky (yes, classist of me, but this is an anonymous forum) when people talk about money. So someone saying they bought a house on Nantucket is fine (good for you! enjoy!), but someone calling attention to how expensive houses on Nantucket are, the way your friend is, would bug me, too.

"Bitsy, you can just enjoy having a summer house. You don't have to apologize to us. And come the Revolution, you're getting stuck in a tumbril no matter how guilty you feel about the distribution of wealth, so just hunker down with some swatches while you can."
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:29     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up pretty poor on a farm and will always have a frugal mindset. Our HHI is around 800k (it wouldn’t matter if it were 3m; nothing would change), yet he scours Craigslist and Nextdoor for deals on things like patio furniture because he can’t stomach the idea of buying new. He feels very awkward about large expenditures on things that aren’t strictly necessary.

Your friend may very well not be putting on an act.


Yes. A lot of times even people who have a lot of money still feel compelled to be frugal. Also, speaking of someone who comes from a family with a lot of trusts, you don’t actually know that she has much access to the money. For example, the trust could be written in a way such that the trustee could give them money to buy a house, but not to supplement their social spending. And if they divorce it’s not her money. And if he dies, there’s a good chance it will go directly to the children. So she may actually be trying to be frugal with their marital assets, which is whatever they are earning from their jobs.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:19     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.


+1 This is perfect.


-1 If someone said this to me, I’d never make plans with them again.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:19     Subject: Re:Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
WE KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY. It's ok! Don't feel bad!


Well say it. Say it rather than building up resentment (because she's annoying .. not because she has money)
It's worth it to say something, or you'll be letting the relationship die on the vine, when maybe it doesn't need to
Or it may anyway. But at least you tried
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:18     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:Maybe she reads the posts on DCUM in which supposedly wealthy people are besieged with demands for handouts and free rides by their loved ones and friends.


she married into money. get real.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:15     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.


+1 This is perfect.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 14:12     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
My husband grew up pretty poor on a farm and will always have a frugal mindset. Our HHI is around 800k (it wouldn’t matter if it were 3m; nothing would change), yet he scours Craigslist and Nextdoor for deals on things like patio furniture because he can’t stomach the idea of buying new. He feels very awkward about large expenditures on things that aren’t strictly necessary.

Your friend may very well not be putting on an act.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:56     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:How are you really good friends?!

My really good friends would say "yes, b*tch we know you got money, you're buying the appetizers" and move on.

House in Nantucket? "I hope you didn't get too much of a good deal because I am coming to visit next summer so those renos better be NICE!"

New car "damn girl it looks awesome, I don't care if it runs on baby tears. Can you take me for a ride?"

You are making it awkward by responding with awkwardness to her awkward pretending she's middle class.


+1. If you were a really good friend you would just be direct about this annoying AF behavior. Is this someone you communicate with only once every couple of months? If so, I'd just ignore. Or stop going out with her.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:49     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
How are you really good friends?!

My really good friends would say "yes, b*tch we know you got money, you're buying the appetizers" and move on.

House in Nantucket? "I hope you didn't get too much of a good deal because I am coming to visit next summer so those renos better be NICE!"

New car "damn girl it looks awesome, I don't care if it runs on baby tears. Can you take me for a ride?"

You are making it awkward by responding with awkwardness to her awkward pretending she's middle class.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:46     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.


This. Do it discreetly and kindly.

Also ignore the trolls saying why does it matter and it's not your business. They are just miserable people who post nasty messages on an anonymous board trying to make people feel as bad as they already do. This is a friend. Of course we care about friends.


I wholeheartedly agree with this. It sounds like you’re bothered because she’s not being authentic with you, and for some reason she feels like she can’t be her authentic self. This gives her permission. It’s a very thoughtful thing to do.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:39     Subject: Re:Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Ha ha, someone tried this with me. They didn’t know me very well, friend of a friend. Our common friend is not very well off so I think they assumed I was of similar socioeconomic level. When I congratulated them on their new house they fell over backward talking about how they have no more money left for furniture (he is a cardiologist and she is GS-14, so I doubt it). The following year we also upgraded to a new, and more expensive house. Didn’t do any of that faux-poor whining, just spoke about it matter-of-factly. I’m sure they were shocked. Afterwards they dropped the whining act and started trying to be really friendly.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:38     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You gently lay a hand on her arm when she's in full spate and you two are alone, lean in and say in your kindest, most sincere voice: "Please don't feel you need to justify your purchases to me, Larla. I'm glad you can buy all this stuff. It makes you happy for you."

Maybe somebody else is jealous around her, and she's afraid of offending everybody.


This. Do it discreetly and kindly.

Also ignore the trolls saying why does it matter and it's not your business. They are just miserable people who post nasty messages on an anonymous board trying to make people feel as bad as they already do. This is a friend. Of course we care about friends.


Oh my god, if you really care about your friend, OP, do not do what the PP suggests. “Gently lay a hand on her arm...” I really hope that post is a joke.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:38     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
Is she bringing up the house, the car, the restaurant bills or are people asking her about them?

I think if you & your friends are asking about these things, then she's allowed to answer any way she feels comfortable doing so.

If no one is asking and she's bringing it up out of the blue, you could gently say "Larla, you don't have to justify [insert XYZ expensive item]. We are all friends here." And laugh it off.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2021 13:37     Subject: Awkward money situation with friend who pretends not to be wealthy
What's wrong with that OP. Would you rather she just brag she bought stuff "because I'm rich?" Nothing will please you. Stop being so jealous. Just enjoy the friendship.