Anonymous wrote:Getting served with papers might change her tune.

Probably not.

Not a great way to live OP. Divorce is easier and healthier for you and your kids. Step up and don't step out.

At least get her to give you a hall pass. She needs an ultimatum. Either we work on us or we open the marriage. Divorce is off the table until the kids are grown. What’ll it be?

You don’t need a therapist what you really need as a coach.
I was in your shoes not long ago, our relationship might not have been as far gone as yours but I did some googling and found Jack Ito, he’s written a bunch of books and he offers online relationship coaching, I went to four sessions and it completely change my thinking. He almost gave me step-by-step instructions and I followed them to a T, within a month my wife’s attitude towards me had dramatically changed; five months later I actually bagged off sex because my back was sore from the night before.
During this time I made some real self improvements and developed some interest outside of my house that had nothing to do with my wife, if she asked I would enthusiastically share all about it but never asked her to join; I also started working out and she noticed.
All your therapist is doing is listening to you bellyache without offering any real solutions I bet. You get in touch with this guy and you’ll either turn it around or conclude your business with this woman but going on like this is doing nothing but destroying your self-worth. You sound like a good dude and I wish you luck.

Jack Ito relationship coach

Getting served with papers might change her tune.

Anonymous wrote:Would you talk to a counselor about it? On your own?

Not OP, but what would that do? They need marital counseling so therapist can tell her it's spousal abuse. Or divorce. Seriously OP, these are best options. Make haste.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:43 y/o male. Wife and I have sex at most twice a year and it’s clear she isn’t into it. Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. She really does
Doesn’t see the issue and won’t talk to counselor. She has told me I should jerk off more of it bothers me. I want to work on it but if she refuses to talk to a professional or even admit there is an issue what can I do? I’m starved for physical affection and it’s bothering more every day. I even googled chemical castration once because my libido was making me so unhappy.

I know people say I should get a divorce. But divorce means sleeping in a different house than my kids, screwing up my finances and moving into a crappy apartment. Plus I’ve got the good job. She would be in a tough spot without me. It feels like a giant punishment for having some normal human desires.


I see enough women on here who have the same problem. It seems like there should be a place where sex starved spouses can met to get some relief. I would kill for just actually getting to touch someone at this point.

Yes I know it’s a bad option but in my situation they are all has options.

You described the oldest problem of the civilized world. It is solved by the oldest profession of the civilized world. There is a multi billion dollar industry that caters to sex starved husbands. Hookers escorts massage parlors sugar babies all of the above provide no strings attached sexual release with minimal chance of blowback if you have a average intelligence enough to keep it secret and safe Sure it costs money but much much cheaper than divorce. Think of it as an expensive hobby (actually guys who frequent all of above do refer to it as a hobby)

I have a friend who escorted for a few years. Ask her what percentage of her clients were married - Answer all of them.

I have been in your shoes for about 6 years. Like the PP said, welcome to the party, this is a tale as old as time and there is a multi-billion dollar industry catering to this.

I have never used paid-professionals but I am not against it. I suppose I am attractive enough that I always find an AP the organic way, through work, conferences, etc.

One thing I have come to learn - married women really don't step out just for sex. The married women I have slept with all wanted sex but something much more. All of them (sample size 4) have ended up leaving their husbands (not for me, thankfully). The other women I found willing to sleep with married men are recently divorced women.

Sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous wrote:43 y/o male. Wife and I have sex at most twice a year and it’s clear she isn’t into it. Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. She really does
Doesn’t see the issue and won’t talk to counselor. She has told me I should jerk off more of it bothers me. I want to work on it but if she refuses to talk to a professional or even admit there is an issue what can I do? I’m starved for physical affection and it’s bothering more every day. I even googled chemical castration once because my libido was making me so unhappy.

I know people say I should get a divorce. But divorce means sleeping in a different house than my kids, screwing up my finances and moving into a crappy apartment. Plus I’ve got the good job. She would be in a tough spot without me. It feels like a giant punishment for having some normal human desires.


I see enough women on here who have the same problem. It seems like there should be a place where sex starved spouses can met to get some relief. I would kill for just actually getting to touch someone at this point.

Yes I know it’s a bad option but in my situation they are all has options.

You described the oldest problem of the civilized world. It is solved by the oldest profession of the civilized world. There is a multi billion dollar industry that caters to sex starved husbands. Hookers escorts massage parlors sugar babies all of the above provide no strings attached sexual release with minimal chance of blowback if you have a average intelligence enough to keep it secret and safe Sure it costs money but much much cheaper than divorce. Think of it as an expensive hobby (actually guys who frequent all of above do refer to it as a hobby)

Dude, it’s called Ashley Madison.

Just be prepared to get caught eventually.

Horrible idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two choices: have an affair or get a divorce. If you have an affair, do not get caught. I think you should divorce.

Sheesh! At least ask for a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, first! She might be secretly relieved.

People need to be prepared to divorce if they ask this. I asked. I am a woman. We divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you talk to a counselor about it? On your own?

What does he need to talk to a counselor for? There’s no talking through a basic, primal need. I don’t blame OP for stepping out.

That said - be honest OP. Have you put on a significant amount of weight or otherwise let yourself go? That can tank a woman’s drive quickly.

Interesting that everybody says the low desire partner should be the one to go to counseling to fix it rather than the high desire partner going to fix it. The thing is that you don't "fix" either. Nobody is doing anything wrong. But *both* partners could change something to make their relationship improve, even without involving the other.

And most people don't know this because they refuse to learn about it and definitely refuse to see a counselor. If you want to see how talking to a professional would help, you can google it. I'm not the expert and I don't think you'd believe me anyway.

It is wild that so many people cheat without considering therapy for themselves first. Setting up an appointment with a therapist is so much less complicated than setting up a tinder account and there is zero risk of blowing your life up because of it.

OP. I’ve been talking with a counselor for more than a year And while it’s helped me quite a bit my big problem is my relationship and unless she is willing to openly and honestly talk together about it than what can i do? Who knows what the problem is. Physical? Some kind of trauma she hasn’t processed? Resentment against me? I want to be supportive but i can’t help if she doesn’t even admit it’s a problem.

To her it is clearly not a problem. That is your problem. She does not need sex to be married. You do. I do not see a way around this.

OP, I was in your shoes, and I divorced (I am a woman). Talk to a lawyer too, see what you can expect in terms of divorce. This is no way to live. I've tried stepping out, but that's its own can of worms. Divorcing is easier long term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you talk to a counselor about it? On your own?

What does he need to talk to a counselor for? There’s no talking through a basic, primal need. I don’t blame OP for stepping out.

That said - be honest OP. Have you put on a significant amount of weight or otherwise let yourself go? That can tank a woman’s drive quickly.

Interesting that everybody says the low desire partner should be the one to go to counseling to fix it rather than the high desire partner going to fix it. The thing is that you don't "fix" either. Nobody is doing anything wrong. But *both* partners could change something to make their relationship improve, even without involving the other.

And most people don't know this because they refuse to learn about it and definitely refuse to see a counselor. If you want to see how talking to a professional would help, you can google it. I'm not the expert and I don't think you'd believe me anyway.

It is wild that so many people cheat without considering therapy for themselves first. Setting up an appointment with a therapist is so much less complicated than setting up a tinder account and there is zero risk of blowing your life up because of it.

OP. I’ve been talking with a counselor for more than a year And while it’s helped me quite a bit my big problem is my relationship and unless she is willing to openly and honestly talk together about it than what can i do? Who knows what the problem is. Physical? Some kind of trauma she hasn’t processed? Resentment against me? I want to be supportive but i can’t help if she doesn’t even admit it’s a problem.

Anonymous wrote:There are two choices: have an affair or get a divorce. If you have an affair, do not get caught. I think you should divorce.

Sheesh! At least ask for a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, first! She might be secretly relieved.