Anonymous wrote:They are cuddling her. They continue to cuddle her well into adulthood and that's part of the reasons why she's so difficult. By pushing and guilting you into an unhealthy relationship, they're perpetuating a family dysfunction.

I'd stop being the the nice one and lay the blame on them.

{psst: coddle, not cuddle. Unless you mean that they are snuggling up with her all of the time}

They are cuddling her. They continue to cuddle her well into adulthood and that's part of the reasons why she's so difficult. By pushing and guilting you into an unhealthy relationship, they're perpetuating a family dysfunction.

I'd stop being the the nice one and lay the blame on them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always the sibling or the in law or the spouse that is the problem. It's never the OP.

Does it matter who the problem is? OP and her sibling cannot find a way to get along. OP’s approach is to have a cordial but distant relationship. Why is that a bad solution?

Exactly. Even if the OP is partly to blame, so what? They don't enjoy spending time together and they don't get along. Seems like this is the best solution -- no one is cutting anyone off or making any dramatic gestures. They see each other at family events and don't engage deeply.

I wouldn't debate the issue or defend my choice to my parents. You can empathize -- "It sounds like you wish things were different," or "You wish our relationship was more like you and your brother's," etc. But that's it. Validate their feelings, but then don't talk about it. They aren't your confidants, and you're unlikely to convince them to agree with you.

Ask them bluntly why your feelings matter less than hers.

role not roll sorry

Anonymous wrote:Same here and I am not “blaming” my sister as I know she has her own perspective on our relationship (and in my case my sister seems to take the same cordial but distant approach as I have adopted) but our parents simply cannot accept this and for some reason put the fault on me. My father in particular really gaslights me and it has strained my relationship with him to an unpleasant point.

My mother does the same thing. She would not hear of any of my complaints throughout childhood unless they were physical assaults. My older sister was a master at being truly cruel. She even heard complaints outside the family and shot the messenger. Now she is livid I won't go along with her idea of how a family should look. The minimizes things and I am the villain for finally saying "no thank you." There has never been a healthy relationship there to build on. The time she thought it was fine in adulthood she just ignored when I said otherwise. I played a roll to please, but hated spending time with her at family functions due to all the jabs, slights, and competitiveness. Sure I ignored and changed the subject, but I have no need for this in my life. If my spouse behaved the way she has consistently, they would rally around if I divorced. it's just for family, apparently anything goes in their minds.

It really is sad. You endure toxic behavior for decades and get gaslit if you complain. When you finally set massive boundaries you are scapegoated because you pop the bubble of their family dream. Just listening to what my mother says is fascinating. It used to be about being there for eachother and now it's about how embarrassed she is when extended family members ask. Keeping up appearances is everything apparently.

My cruel sibling is very much alone because she has alienated a lot of people. So now I am supposed to feel sorry for her because her own behavior has scared people away.

Same here and I am not “blaming” my sister as I know she has her own perspective on our relationship (and in my case my sister seems to take the same cordial but distant approach as I have adopted) but our parents simply cannot accept this and for some reason put the fault on me. My father in particular really gaslights me and it has strained my relationship with him to an unpleasant point.

Anonymous wrote:It's always the sibling or the in law or the spouse that is the problem. It's never the OP.

Manipulative narcissists are usually not seeing the problem…

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have a strained relationship and after years of trying to take a deep breath and ignore her craziness, I am done trying and don’t want her to be a big part of my life. I don’t want us to be completely estranged - I am fine to see her at family events and holidays and even have a quick phone or text conversation every few weeks/month. We can be civil, just not very close. My sister is incredibly competitive, narcissistic and we can’t seem to have a single conversation where she doesn’t accuse me of doing, or not doing, something. She constantly belittles me and makes everything about her.

The problem here is my parents, who cannot accept that their children are not close. My dad is best friends with his brother, and my mom is an only child who always wanted a sibling. My parents recognize that my sister is a difficult person to get along with and can be exhausting to reason with, so they constantly push me to be the bigger person and just let her “win” or agree with whatever she says to placate her. I have explained to them that I get no joy from our relationship and done sitting back and accepting her cruel words or crazy antics. They never criticize my sister for being so harsh or point out that she shares equal blame for our relationship.

At this point my parents blame me for not “fixing” things and it’s making me start to resent them. How can I get them to accept the relationship we have and then just move on? The more the push the angrier it makes me.

Tell this!

My mom takes it personally that my brother and I arent close, but thankfully she doesn’t hound me about it. She accepts it and just internalizes it as her fault (which is sad, as it’s not her fault, but at least she’s not bothering me about it).

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have a strained relationship and after years of trying to take a deep breath and ignore her craziness, I am done trying and don’t want her to be a big part of my life. I don’t want us to be completely estranged - I am fine to see her at family events and holidays and even have a quick phone or text conversation every few weeks/month. We can be civil, just not very close. My sister is incredibly competitive, narcissistic and we can’t seem to have a single conversation where she doesn’t accuse me of doing, or not doing, something. She constantly belittles me and makes everything about her.

The problem here is my parents, who cannot accept that their children are not close. My dad is best friends with his brother, and my mom is an only child who always wanted a sibling. My parents recognize that my sister is a difficult person to get along with and can be exhausting to reason with, so they constantly push me to be the bigger person and just let her “win” or agree with whatever she says to placate her. I have explained to them that I get no joy from our relationship and done sitting back and accepting her cruel words or crazy antics. They never criticize my sister for being so harsh or point out that she shares equal blame for our relationship.

At this point my parents blame me for not “fixing” things and it’s making me start to resent them. How can I get them to accept the relationship we have and then just move on? The more the push the angrier it makes me.

It's funny when I first read this I related so much and was so calm saying I have learned to accept I am blamed for wanting very little relationship and I am gaslit if I ever try to justify decades of awful behavior. ow as Thanksgiving draws near some of the feelings resurface. I will have my boundaries. Not looking forward to it, but it is what it is. Wishing anyone else on here strength who is dealing with these dysfunctional dynamics next week.

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have a strained relationship and after years of trying to take a deep breath and ignore her craziness, I am done trying and don’t want her to be a big part of my life. I don’t want us to be completely estranged - I am fine to see her at family events and holidays and even have a quick phone or text conversation every few weeks/month. We can be civil, just not very close. My sister is incredibly competitive, narcissistic and we can’t seem to have a single conversation where she doesn’t accuse me of doing, or not doing, something. She constantly belittles me and makes everything about her.

The problem here is my parents, who cannot accept that their children are not close. My dad is best friends with his brother, and my mom is an only child who always wanted a sibling. My parents recognize that my sister is a difficult person to get along with and can be exhausting to reason with, so they constantly push me to be the bigger person and just let her “win” or agree with whatever she says to placate her. I have explained to them that I get no joy from our relationship and done sitting back and accepting her cruel words or crazy antics. They never criticize my sister for being so harsh or point out that she shares equal blame for our relationship.

At this point my parents blame me for not “fixing” things and it’s making me start to resent them. How can I get them to accept the relationship we have and then just move on? The more the push the angrier it makes me.

I have the exact same relationship with my brother. He is not cut out of my life or anything so dramatic, we see each other at holidays, at my parents house, text/email occasionally. That is it. I try and have sympathy for my parents. My brother is a PIA, and they have done nothing but worry about him his whole life (and they receive very little positive feedback from him in return). I just tell my parents we aren't close and it is what it is. They will get eventually, or they won't. I have done talk therapy on and off over the years, and I do find that therapy is a great place to deal with these emotions. Your parents won't change. You just have to accept that.

Anonymous wrote:It's always the sibling or the in law or the spouse that is the problem. It's never the OP.

Does it matter who the problem is? OP and her sibling cannot find a way to get along. OP’s approach is to have a cordial but distant relationship. Why is that a bad solution?

Anonymous wrote:It's always the sibling or the in law or the spouse that is the problem. It's never the OP.

Have you ever heard the saying that we go to therapy to deal with the people in our lives who won't go to therapy themselves?

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your parents that you and your sister are adults and will work your relationship out between yourselves. Your parents are still stuck in that parent role where they feel like they have to intervene. Tell them their job is done and its not their place any more. Also tell them that you are happy to have family functions and holidays all together (they could be worried about that) and then tell them you don't want to talk about it anymore. Tell them its unfair on your sister to be talking about her behind her back and that any business between the two of you needs to be handled between the two of you only not with the whole family. Then after that shut down any conversation regarding your sister and the problems you have.

You sound like you have worked out how much contact you want with your sister and that is all the matters.

This won't be a problem with your parents if you refuse to discuss it with them and ultimately it is not their business. It will lead to further problems if you discuss your sister in this manner behind her back. If it gets back to her you may find there will be bigger problems.

This may work for some. I had to just stop engaging when it is brought up. It just feeds the dysfunction. You are absolutely right, it is not the place of parents to intervene once the kids are adults. The thing is there is plenty of unfair stuff and downright disturbing stuff in my family and the only thing I can do is set my boundaries. I thought I could reason and I tried for years, but they just can't do that. They have rigid ideas and that is fine. I don't need them to change. I accept them for who they are accept that they will never get it, but I don't need to be miserable to make them happy.