Just say 'No'.

Anonymous wrote:I get it, that is a lot of thankless effort for a bunch of weirdos.
My main question is about your daughter. Does she like thanksgiving with any of these people - even just grandma? I posted in another family holiday thread recently. My mom hated holidays with our extended family, esp in laws. I see now all these people have faults (putting it mildly). But those holidays are my happiest memories from childhood. It’s really nice to feel like you have a family outside your mom and dad.
Also, I see your point about your daughter getting frustrated with her special needs cousin but…. That seems like a good life lesson? I’m sure in general you don’t think special needs kids should be excluded from holidays or parties.

OP here. This resonates with me. My mother never hosted, my grandparents (mothers side) would take the whole family my whole childhood (12-18 of us) out to an extremely fancy dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas and me and the cousins would have so much fun dressing up and ordering exciting things on the menu. Those were all great memories. Since they passed 20 years ago my mother never got it together to take it on so nothing really happened and I would fill my holidays with friendsgivings in nyc. Since DD I really tried to get everyone back to no avail and I’m tired. But yes I know I need to just cancel.

My DD is lovely and compassionate. Even though there is just 18 months between the cousins there is 8” of height and her cousin is 60 lbs heavier. Over the summer cousin held the water hose over her head when they were in the sprinkler for 15 seconds and scared DD - my cousin (her mother) did nothing and did not even acknowledge. So my point is more they are not able to communicate and DD got rattled and of course I am teaching her compassion and understanding but she asked me point blank if “Larla was going to break all of her toys again and scare her like last time”. So we talked about it.

Anyway / yes I’m cancelling.

We usually go to the UK for DH’s family for xmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe these far fetched stories

OP here. Really not helpful. I wish this wasnt my family. It’s the reason I had to go my own way after school. I only have been trying because of DD. I could tell you about my wedding where my brothers left me bar tabs after the open bar ended. It really is awful but they are all I have.

Honest question. What do you get from them?

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe these far fetched stories

I do. We have plenty of dysfunction in our family too so I get it and yet I have a mother and sister who would probably give the same response as above. They bury their heads in the sand and use euphemisms for everything. I also know 2 types of people from healthy families, those who have them, but have empathy and understand they are fortunate and those who have them, but cannot fathem anyone could have a different experience and they blame the victim so to speak.

Anyhoo OP, you know you don't need our permission. You have a right to have your limits. Don't do it if you don't want to. Expect some fallout which usually comes from those least grateful. Don't cave. Only respond in a calm manner. Don't accuse them of being ungrateful. Simply state you are pregnant, need a break and will be doing X instead. Expect to be called selfish. Do not defend yourself. If the fall out is bad enough I personally would make new holiday tranditions without them from now on so you don't reinforce the crazy.

Do your own thing this year. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind and host in future years, but also just because you've done something in the past it doesn't mean you have to continue to do it. Order a prepared meal and take DD to a playground during the day (Clemyjontri or Watkins Park?) and enjoy the day with your family.

Op, post here once your sent your message to your family that you are not hosting this year. Do not delay or be unclear.

No, don't do it. You've been doing it for you, to satisfy some ideal of what you think Thanskgiving should look like, but you aren't enjoying it, so stop.

Do, however, work on teaching your daughter some compassion towards her cousin. It doesn't have to be on Thanksgiving, though.

Yes OP, just skip it. No one needs a big, awful, family Thanksgiving for memories.

My mother did over 10 years of a big Thanksgiving for ungrateful family. Mostly in honor of "The Memories". I barely remember those gatherings because they were SO BORING. I do remember the ones where my mom was enjoying herself, after we stopped the Thankless Thanksgivings. Those were SO MUCH better.

Just say you aren't up for hosting this year. Maybe next year you can invite everyone over for chili the day after Thanksgiving so it's a lot more relaxed with less food expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t do it. Your family is emotionally stunted. You will have to come to grips with that and act accordingly.
But you could have left out the comment about your daughter being frustrated with her special needs cousin. That’s child’s purpose in life is not to be your kid’s playmate. Great time to start teaching your kid compassion, empathy and respecting and understanding of difference.

Exactly what I was thinking but worded way better than I would. You don’t have to host but you do have to work on your daughter being more kind and patient.

I feel like the women overwhelmed by holiday hosting need to get a little more assertive and introspective. You probably ended up hosting because you value tradition and holidays and family. You probably enjoy being the hostess on some level, and there are benefits to hosting (mainly not having to travel.) Your family has come to rely on you doing this probably because you’ve always been more capable and organized, because you appear to be the person who cares the most, and because sexism/laziness.

Unless you actually know what you want and assert it, you’ll never get what you want. Childishly going on strike or silently resenting your family isn’t going to get you what you want.

So ask for what you want: someone else to host? Potluck at your house? Someone to cohost with you? Get it catered at your house and everyone pitches in on the cost?

Don’t do it. “Too much uncertainty with covid and my pregnancy”

And by next year the pattern will have been broken and you need not pick it up. “We’ve all developed new traditions and hosting such a large group with two small kids is too much for me alone.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe these far fetched stories

Such a helpful comment. TBH when OP goes into full detail - like she did here - I am more inclined to believe the post.

OP, send the text and go about your business. Your family stinks, you don't have to be the one that continues to hold the torch. You will feel a million times better once you've cancelled.

Don’t even have to cancel. Don’t invite in the first place. See if anyone even mentions it.

Hang out with your own friends and a DD friend that day!

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe these far fetched stories

Such a helpful comment. TBH when OP goes into full detail - like she did here - I am more inclined to believe the post.

OP, send the text and go about your business. Your family stinks, you don't have to be the one that continues to hold the torch. You will feel a million times better once you've cancelled.

I get it, that is a lot of thankless effort for a bunch of weirdos.
My main question is about your daughter. Does she like thanksgiving with any of these people - even just grandma? I posted in another family holiday thread recently. My mom hated holidays with our extended family, esp in laws. I see now all these people have faults (putting it mildly). But those holidays are my happiest memories from childhood. It’s really nice to feel like you have a family outside your mom and dad.
Also, I see your point about your daughter getting frustrated with her special needs cousin but…. That seems like a good life lesson? I’m sure in general you don’t think special needs kids should be excluded from holidays or parties.

Don’t do it. I wouldn’t even lie. “I’m not hosting thanksgiving anymore- nobody helps or thanks me and it’s not a pleasant day. So I’m letting you know almost a month in advance I’m not hosting it this year or in the future..” Have Whole Foods or something cater it for your little family, and plan that next year you’ll go on a trip.