Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. I’m truly convinced that people who travel loose perspective. They in time regard everything and everyone like a hotel. They become too used to getting what they want when they want with money being the only transaction. I’m convinced it ruins how they look at the world, and also how they treat people, especially their loved ones, if only for a little while.

As for the chicken soup, was your husband going to actually be able to eat it had you made it? I get that you meant well, but would the soup have been ready for him to eat by the time he had to leave? Might he have seen “you all get to stay home in a nice cozy house and I get to travel.”

As for the kids and colds, our first was always getting us sick at daycare. That’s one reason our younger 2 aren’t in daycare. Would you or your husband prefer you stay home? I’m convinced many men want a stay at home mom/wife but also want to see $$ coming into the bank. Most have very little idea of what either configuration looks like. Plus, they and we were raised to be “equal partners” “discuss things before marriage” “split things down the middle” all sorts of things our parents and grandparents didn’t have to think about. They may not have *liked* it, but they also didn’t have to do nearly the planning or thinking that we are expected to do.

This sounds fixable. I’d first tell your husband that you aren’t the hotel staff and you won’t be treated like that. I refuse to pick up things for my husband at the store because if I get it wrong, he fusses. If he goes and gets it, or if a delivery service gets it, the focus is on “why did *they* screw up” or “Next time *we’ll*…” It saves a lot of hurt feelings and arguing. Be nice to him, but don’t act like the staff going off to get things he likes/needs.

As for comfort items, make sure he can actually use them before he goes. Preparing something he can’t consume is kind of an obtuse thing to do. It’d be like you needing tampons and you husband saying “I’ve ordered you tampons and pads, they’ll be here next week” and you thinking “That’s nice but I really needed a box right now”.

As for the illnesses, get a whole house humidifier, set up so that it humidifies to the size of your house. Too little power and it won’t humidify the way you want, water saver mode and it still won’t humidify. You want a big powerful steam producing monster that will use water in a way that makes environmentalists poop bricks. Your h.v.a.c company should be able to do this for you. For you guys, get an adjustable mattress frame. My husband and I are convinced they help, at least they help us not get colds the way we used to. Our younger kids are in school now and our youngest as well as our high schooler have been coming home with all types of stuff. We’ve rarely felt it and the illnesses do not seem as long for the kids either, days compared to over a week.

Op here. The soup seems like a weird thing to dwell on, but I'll clarify. I was going to make soup this afternoon. He doesn't leave for the meeting until tomorrow. So yes, he would have had plenty of time to consume the comfort item before leaving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious just how deep he intends to dig this whole.

Op here. Apparently he has many shovels and is content to keep digging.

More: "Its obvious DD got sick from school, you got it from her, and I got it from you. Pointing that out shouldnt be all it takes to set you off. Again, I'm very sorry for making an offhand comment that was received as an attempt to blame or be mean to you. Its fine, I'm fine, Im not mad. I'm mildly annoyed at most that my throat hurts. Itll be fine by tomorrow."

I just feel like i'm going cuckoo here- like he is gaslighting me trying to turn it around on me. If it wasn't such a big deal he didn't feel that badly, then why did he start running his mouth in the first place?

You are way overanalyzing this, just let it go.

Why were you making him chicken noodle soup? But really, he sounds like he was in a bad mood and said something he didn't mean. I may be in the minority, but I think you need to grow up yourself. Like, just roll your eyes and get on with your day. Sure, he's not handling it perfectly, but none of us do, especially when we are sick. Wait until you are out of the moment, and talk to him. Explain that you are super sensitive, so he can't blame you for getting him sick or your feelings will be hurt and it will ruin your whole day. I feel like you are blowing this way out of proportion.

Each apology comes with more digs.

Anonymous wrote:Curious just how deep he intends to dig this whole.

Op here. Apparently he has many shovels and is content to keep digging.

More: "Its obvious DD got sick from school, you got it from her, and I got it from you. Pointing that out shouldnt be all it takes to set you off. Again, I'm very sorry for making an offhand comment that was received as an attempt to blame or be mean to you. Its fine, I'm fine, Im not mad. I'm mildly annoyed at most that my throat hurts. Itll be fine by tomorrow."

I just feel like i'm going cuckoo here- like he is gaslighting me trying to turn it around on me. If it wasn't such a big deal he didn't feel that badly, then why did he start running his mouth in the first place?

I’m sorry, op. I’m truly convinced that people who travel loose perspective. They in time regard everything and everyone like a hotel. They become too used to getting what they want when they want with money being the only transaction. I’m convinced it ruins how they look at the world, and also how they treat people, especially their loved ones, if only for a little while.

As for the chicken soup, was your husband going to actually be able to eat it had you made it? I get that you meant well, but would the soup have been ready for him to eat by the time he had to leave? Might he have seen “you all get to stay home in a nice cozy house and I get to travel.”

As for the kids and colds, our first was always getting us sick at daycare. That’s one reason our younger 2 aren’t in daycare. Would you or your husband prefer you stay home? I’m convinced many men want a stay at home mom/wife but also want to see $$ coming into the bank. Most have very little idea of what either configuration looks like. Plus, they and we were raised to be “equal partners” “discuss things before marriage” “split things down the middle” all sorts of things our parents and grandparents didn’t have to think about. They may not have *liked* it, but they also didn’t have to do nearly the planning or thinking that we are expected to do.

This sounds fixable. I’d first tell your husband that you aren’t the hotel staff and you won’t be treated like that. I refuse to pick up things for my husband at the store because if I get it wrong, he fusses. If he goes and gets it, or if a delivery service gets it, the focus is on “why did *they* screw up” or “Next time *we’ll*…” It saves a lot of hurt feelings and arguing. Be nice to him, but don’t act like the staff going off to get things he likes/needs.

As for comfort items, make sure he can actually use them before he goes. Preparing something he can’t consume is kind of an obtuse thing to do. It’d be like you needing tampons and you husband saying “I’ve ordered you tampons and pads, they’ll be here next week” and you thinking “That’s nice but I really needed a box right now”.

As for the illnesses, get a whole house humidifier, set up so that it humidifies to the size of your house. Too little power and it won’t humidify the way you want, water saver mode and it still won’t humidify. You want a big powerful steam producing monster that will use water in a way that makes environmentalists poop bricks. Your h.v.a.c company should be able to do this for you. For you guys, get an adjustable mattress frame. My husband and I are convinced they help, at least they help us not get colds the way we used to. Our younger kids are in school now and our youngest as well as our high schooler have been coming home with all types of stuff. We’ve rarely felt it and the illnesses do not seem as long for the kids either, days compared to over a week.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Amazingly, it's getting worse.

He keeps going: "Am i expected to filter myself at all times to only say things that I am sure you can comfortably handle hearing? Because if so, that feels obnoxiously fragile and weak. Do you really think I am accusing you of intentionally getting me sick?"

What does he think “I’m annoyed at you about it” means? And he’s allowed to express annoyance but you’re not? Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. He needs to learn to zip it if he doesn’t want to hear back the same things he’s willing to say to you. Man, I’m pissed for you, op!!

Curious just how deep he intends to dig this whole.

Op here. Amazingly, it's getting worse.

He keeps going: "Am i expected to filter myself at all times to only say things that I am sure you can comfortably handle hearing? Because if so, that feels obnoxiously fragile and weak. Do you really think I am accusing you of intentionally getting me sick?"

Wow, I read your update, OP. What a freaking MARTYR he is.

I hate that passive-aggressive stuff (the “oh well” he typed at the end of his text?!🤬)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with update
After he blamed me for getting him sick, I basically said to him everything I wrote here- It's not my fault you are sick. How ridiculous to blame me, what are you doing about it to feel better etc.
I walked away from him obviously pissed off and I've been working in the spare bedroom since then. We haven't seen or spoken since this morning. He just texted me: "where did you go? sorry for saying you got me sick. i didnt expect you to get so sensitive and ignore me for the rest of the day. would have liked to spend a little time together before i leave for my work trip. oh well."

I do not know the exact psychological definition, but I feel like he is gaslighting me. Is it a stretch to call it emotional bullying or abuse?

I find this so outrageous... "i didnt expect YOU to get so sensitive and IGNORE me"

I want to say to him- funny, i didnt expect you to be so unreasonable and obnoxious. not only did you blame me for your being sick, but now you are also blaming me for being sensitive, ignoring you

I am so unhappy

Yes! SAY IT to him! It's the truth, he should hear it.

Op here. I said it, and more. His response: Im sorry your feelings were hurt but this feels ridiculous."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand where he's coming from. I assume he makes the majority of income for your family? Is his job stressful? Is he able to "stay home" if he's sick? I'm guessing not.

I have a very stressful job. However, I make 400k a year. I can't take days off. I work seven days a week. There are no "holidays" for me.

When someone in my family is sick I sleep in the basement in a guest bedroom. I don't mind at all. Sometimes if my wife feels sick she will sleep in the upstairs guest room. She knows I can't deal with being sick, I have real responsibilities and work.

HAHA wow! misogynistic, much?
Op here. and I am the goddamn breadwinner in the family.

Well, if you're the breadwinner of the family perhaps don't take his crap? Since my kids started going to pre-school my household has always been careful when they come home sick. We don't even use cloth towels to dry hands, as that was a primary source of spreading cold/flu. However, it's interesting you select one portion of my post. Does the rest apply regarding your husband?

Let him leave. He sounds like a PITA to live with.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with update
After he blamed me for getting him sick, I basically said to him everything I wrote here- It's not my fault you are sick. How ridiculous to blame me, what are you doing about it to feel better etc.
I walked away from him obviously pissed off and I've been working in the spare bedroom since then. We haven't seen or spoken since this morning. He just texted me: "where did you go? sorry for saying you got me sick. i didnt expect you to get so sensitive and ignore me for the rest of the day. would have liked to spend a little time together before i leave for my work trip. oh well."

I do not know the exact psychological definition, but I feel like he is gaslighting me. Is it a stretch to call it emotional bullying or abuse?

I find this so outrageous... "i didnt expect YOU to get so sensitive and IGNORE me"

I want to say to him- funny, i didnt expect you to be so unreasonable and obnoxious. not only did you blame me for your being sick, but now you are also blaming me for being sensitive, ignoring you

I am so unhappy

Yes! SAY IT to him! It's the truth, he should hear it.

Anonymous wrote:I can understand where he's coming from. I assume he makes the majority of income for your family? Is his job stressful? Is he able to "stay home" if he's sick? I'm guessing not.

I have a very stressful job. However, I make 400k a year. I can't take days off. I work seven days a week. There are no "holidays" for me.

When someone in my family is sick I sleep in the basement in a guest bedroom. I don't mind at all. Sometimes if my wife feels sick she will sleep in the upstairs guest room. She knows I can't deal with being sick, I have real responsibilities and work.

HAHA wow! misogynistic, much?
Op here. and I am the goddamn breadwinner in the family.