Anonymous wrote:Cannot comprehend being a SAHM and having a nanny.

Sorry you’re poor I guess?

Op here - thanks for all the opinions, good and bad. I understand why some would view me as lazy (I’m confident I’m not, I’ve spent the last 4 years working 50+ hours a week while also taking care of my kids on my own 50+ hours a week….so working in some form most every hour of every day like many moms do!) but I don’t plan to spend my days not taking care of my kids…more being to have fun with the bigger ones while the baby is able to be on his own schedule and get sleep at home. We unfortunately don’t have any friends here (we moved to a new city during covid) so I’m hoping to make friends for play dates and kids activities. It’s too hard to get out at night as is right now so I sadly don’t see like child free dinners with friends in my near future. We have been getting by with basically no friends at all since we just had weekends for big kid activities, but if I’m going to be going to the playground / indoor pool / museum etc every day I’d love to have friends to do it with. That’s what I mean by losing myself - not doing a bunch of things apart from kids, but just having regular interaction with someone over the age of 4

I’m a SAHM to three kids and honestly I’m not super interested in finding “mom friends”. I have a circle of friends from before I had kids, some are parents and some are childless, but I prefer to socialize without my kids! I love my kids but I’m with them all day, I don’t want to spend my super minimal free time around them or discussing them. I do try to volunteer when I can at school and be friendly with the parents at my kids’ classes. I’d probably eye-roll but also be envious if I met a SAHM with a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:Do you already have a nanny now that you’d be keeping?

I SAH with a 30-hour per week housekeeper, plus a babysitter several days a week who works a flexible schedule. I prefer this to having a nanny because 1) I don’t want to do housework, and the housekeeper does everything from laundry and toilets to cleaning up breakfast and lunch dishes (she leaves mid afternoon), and 2) I didn’t want someone around ALL the time and our babysitter (who is a graduate student) likes working random hours - like, Monday and Thursday afternoon, Wednesday morning, and the occasional Friday.

Also, almost no one realizes our housekeeper comes daily a d it’s not unusual to have a weekly house cleaner, and lots of sahms have an occasional babysitter so no one blinks at that either.

Anyway as to making friends, get your oldest in a preschool that is either a co-op or has volunteer requirements. Schools really are the best way to build a community of parent friends.

And here’s good tips here for not losing yourself. I’ve SAH with far less help and the way people “lose themselves” is by having too much work and too little time to themselves. As long as you can afford help, and don’t hesitate to do so, it shouldn’t be hard to carve out time to focus on your own thing once in a while.

Good luck!

Do this!! This sounds perfect. Unless you love your nanny you might get sick of having her around every minute.

Good luck OP. I’d be friends with you! 😊

Former SAHM now working full time out of the home with older kids

No, I wouldn't because TBH I'd judge you too much and see you as lazy and checked out. You don't work, don't raise kids yourself, don't cook or clean? Just leisure and self care all day long? That's not any form of parenting. I had a friend like that once. She was at Starbucks, orange theory, napping and on netflix everyday. It didn't work out because I had no respect for her.

I stayed home, withou help, I wouldn't have the time to be friends with you.
And, yes, I judge you for having children and being to lazy to care for them. Also, because you have a nanny all your WOH women will constantly ask you if your nanny can watch their kids for free. WOH women have no problem taking advantage of SAHM. Well, in your case, you aren't doing anything.

I am sahm with a few friends that are sahms with nannies. It has not once crossed my mind to make any judgment on their choice. It just is the way things are. My only advice is to try for a nanny who cooks.

Never make your choices based on someone else's lens.

Anonymous wrote:Omg are you kidding me? Don’t work if you can stay home with your kids AND have a nanny if that’s what you want to do and it makes for your family JUST DO IT.

Seriously. This sounds amazing. Your life will have some balance with the ability to have personal time. You’ll be more present for your children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg are you kidding me? Don’t work if you can stay home with your kids AND have a nanny if that’s what you want to do and it makes for your family JUST DO IT.

+1
Read your OP.
You’re so worried about yourself. “How do I make friends?” “How do I not lose myself?”
I know you don’t want criticism, so how about some facts from some of us on the other side.

These years are short. They are all about the kids. Kids are self-centered overlords of their own world! Just focus on keeping them alive, getting enough sleep, keeping the house relatively not condemned, and try to have nutrition for everyone most of the time. Try to appreciate and love your DH too. Try to all get fresh air and an elevated heart rate. Nothing is forever, but this is your life right now.

+1 this isn’t forever. You will find that life waxes and wanes. Your kids are little and need a lot so you give a lot. When they get older they need less so you get more. This idea of trying to remain exactly as you were pre-kids is nonsense. You are different, life is different and it will continue to evolve.

I was a sahm and had a friend in my moms group who had a huge house and a nanny. This friend was incredibly sweet and quietly generous. She never bragged about her nanny and never complained how exhausted she was. She hit the perfect balance in my opinion.

Do it and enjoy! There’s no badge of honor for “most stressed out mom”

I think you will find that even with the nanny, you will be very busy every single day, and non stop. So, making friends might actually be easier if your kids are in some activities, but not too many. You would then face the days with obligations left and right and still will be exhausted and miserable.
You might lose some "friend" skills that people in the work place have.
Join a book club? Gym? Try to find activities for yourself. But, if you have family here, won't that be plenty with a few friends?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cannot comprehend being a SAHM and having a nanny.

They don't stay at home or spend time with the kids except they pick and choose the social/visible things to make them look good and the nanny does the hard work. We all know who you are when you show up with 1 kid and put on a show. Plenty of mom's you can be friends with.

It's moms, plural. Not mom's, possessive.

- working mom who doesn't get a kick out of bashing SAHM or any other kind of mom

Maybe opt for a teenage mother's helper in the afternoons - that part of the day was the hardest for me bc the kids are starting to tire, get bored of me, I run out of ideas, etc so having the local teenager come and play for like 3 hrs was great. And she was playful and energetic and my 3 and 5 yr old followed her like a pie piper (teens have that affect on young kids).
And she was way cheaper than a nanny.
Win-win all around.

As for going from work to sahm ....keep in mind sahm isn't for everyone. There have been a ton of threads on this transition. AND dh has to be on board with it especially on how money will now be spent (1 verse 2 paychecks), household chores expectations ("honey, you're home all day, but you still couldn't find time to vaccuum?), channeling the kids' energy with a newborn in tow (where is the closest fenced in playground?), and you get the point.

I am a SAHM of 4 yo and 2 yo and pregnant with 3rd, and we are getting a part time nanny for the first year with new baby. We have been saving up for it and making our budget work. I know other moms do it without a nanny, but we can afford it and I want the help, so oh well - I feel like it’s either that or I become exhausted and yell at my kids every afternoon. I know other moms of 3 without nannies, and some do it all on their own, but others have a bunch of relatives helping or keep the TV on all day etc etc.

You might not have time for friends at this stage…. Don’t know what to say.

Yes, having goals of your own, even small ones, really helps. It gives your brain that hit of accomplishment and is a good antidote to the chaos.