Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

We can start playing BINGO now with this post, lol.

I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again, all. DH suggested to his parents that we get together before or after Thanksgiving and said we’d made plans. We’re bracing for the guilt trip but also prepared to hold strong. Appreciate the empathy and encouragement and great ideas with how to manage.

Play guilt trip BINGO. That makes it more fun.

"I'll be ALONE on Thanksgiving!"
"But I need to see the children!"
"I am getting old"
"Oh it's fine, sniffle snifffff"
"Rage"
"But you saw her mother on Halloween!"

And don't forget the middle is a free square

LOL!!! You forgot a few more:

"You are soooooooo SELFISH!"
"This may be my last Thanksgiving" (said by someone in perfect health)
"Don't you care about faaaaamily?"
"It would mean so much you your father!"

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again, all. DH suggested to his parents that we get together before or after Thanksgiving and said we’d made plans. We’re bracing for the guilt trip but also prepared to hold strong. Appreciate the empathy and encouragement and great ideas with how to manage.

Play guilt trip BINGO. That makes it more fun.

"I'll be ALONE on Thanksgiving!"
"But I need to see the children!"
"I am getting old"
"Oh it's fine, sniffle snifffff"
"Rage"
"But you saw her mother on Halloween!"

And don't forget the middle is a free square

Anonymous wrote:Keep the interactions short. Minimal language. “We’ve made other plans for this year. How about we get together at our house the Saturday after Thanksgiving.”

Rinse and repeat.

This. Don't tell them the plans. Just say you have plans, and offer an alternative get together day. "We'd love to see you for brunch on Sunday if you're available!".

I would have your DH tell them this. But I think I would have also had this conversation with your DH BEFORE the in-laws had reached out about Tday. It sounds like you've discussed it some, but not how you would respond when invited. If you can't get out of Tday, ask your DH to make it clear that Xmas is off the table and then make other plans.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again, all. DH suggested to his parents that we get together before or after Thanksgiving and said we’d made plans. We’re bracing for the guilt trip but also prepared to hold strong. Appreciate the empathy and encouragement and great ideas with how to manage.

As someone who has been through this...just don't engage. Truly. Don't respond to any texts or emails that are trying to guilt you. If it comes up on the phone or in person, a one line answer is all you need. If they bring it up again excuse yourself and say you're done with the conversation. People like that are like sharks - if there isn't any blood in the water, they will move on.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your empathy and suggestions. It’s been hard to articulate these thoughts let alone share them with others.

Just know that you are not alone! Good luck!!!

You are sane, and it is completely valid to not want to spend the holidays with your in-laws!

Thanksgiving has always been my family's big holiday, so I told my now husband decades ago that that holiday belonged to my family and he said fine. Then he and I decided that we didn't want to do Christmas Day away from our house so we would do Christmas Eve with his family (mine lives on the west coast, his about an hour and a half away in VA). After some miserable Christmas Eve experiences he said we'll see you another time before Christmas instead. Of course his sister is always at her parents' house because they do everything for her so they try and guilt us about not seeing them but it doesn't work!

My in-laws are the same - they can't come to visit us on weekends because they have to go to church or volunteer with something. So they'll come during the week and then get upset that we won't take the kids out of school for a couple days. But god forbid we try to skip Christmas. And god forbid we don't take the kids to church on Christmas. All hell will break loose.

That does sound really frustrating and annoying.
My take is... I just think the holidays are sort of fake and for blood family. I don't care really about doing what I "want" on the holidays.

I don't think you will ever win this with your in laws. They will not relinquish the holidays and start coming to bdays or random dinners. It will be a sore point forever.

Plus, I think you have to think of whether your kids want to spend holidays with just you or with their grandparents. My mom HATED going to my grandma's house for christmas ever year, but I loved it. She had a huge fight with my grandma when I was a teen and we started spending holidays with just our family and it just made me feel isolated.

Plus, in your case, you're just driving 45 mins. You're not flying 5 hours and spending thousands of dollars and wasting all your time off. It's just one day.

I see the point about spending time with your "chosen friends and family." Do these people all get together only on Christmas morning/Christmas eve/whatever your in laws official celebration time is? Can you do another holiday thing with your friends some other time in december?

Thanks again, all. DH suggested to his parents that we get together before or after Thanksgiving and said we’d made plans. We’re bracing for the guilt trip but also prepared to hold strong. Appreciate the empathy and encouragement and great ideas with how to manage.

My FIL was like this lived within an hour and would always say he would be coming to see the kids or coming to one of their events only to find an excuse at the last minute and the Kids would get disappointed. The few Bday parties he showed up to he would talk to kids for a few minutes and then disappear for the majority of the party. It was his loss the kids are now older and have basically no relationship to him other than the cordial hello at large get togethers. We don't even bother inviting him to anything anymore.

I don't want to spend holidays with my in-laws - ever

Then don't.

We made our own plans this year, well ahead of when we usually do, to avoid exactly this. Thanksgiving with my family (super engaged with us, low pressure scene), then traveling for Christmas on our own. My in-laws unwillingness to be vaxxed is also playing a role in all of this as well. As you said, the pandemic has given my DH and I a lot of time to talk through family dynamics (including our own) and be clearer about what we both want for ourselves and our child. We are able to be on the same page about boundaries and I do not take that for granted. It's a real gift (that we worked for).

"We've decided that we'd like to host this year. You're welcome to come!" I decided that I'd rather my in-laws sit in silence in the presence of my boisterous relatives then have everyone (tiny family, them and my nuclear family) in silence in their dreary, falling-apart house. I make the food I want, play the music I want, serve wine if I want. If they don't want to come they can make other plans. If they were more involved grandparents I'd be more understanding but it seems like they only care about holidays and have no interest in getting to know my kids. So, screw em.