I have two medical conditions that flare up regularly but without warning and it catches me off guard and not controlled well with medication. I am embarrassed to explain the specifics and try to give a vague reason when this comes up. However, I have told my close friends b/c it just kept happening and I wanted them to understand it was not them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who skips every third get together with a group of friends we have. I think for her it's a way to control finances. If she said during planning she could not make a weekend, we'd pick another so she agrees and then cancels day of. Every third time!

That doesn’t make sense as a financial strategy. It might work if the outings were on a schedule or all of the same approximate cost. But skipping a night out because it came after two three day weekend getaways would not help.

Ah, I see! These are always dinners. If we are settling on a weekend and then picking the dates for the actual event (sometimes we say ok, the weekend of Dec 10th, and we'll pick either Saturday or Sunday as the weekend gets closer) she'll agree to whatever. If she said it was no good at that time, we would keep looking for a date. I've never commented on this pattern to anyone in the group, she must have her reasons and I'm glad to see her when we do. I'd be annoyed if these were 1:1 plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are helping me be more compassionate. Thank you.

Thanks for taking that in and considering it, OP. I suffer from depression. I make plans, look forward to them and keep them when I’m doing well. If I cancel or flake, it’s because I honestly don’t have the strength—just as when I literally don’t have the strength when I am physically ill. When I am mentally unwell, it is just as real and legit as being physically unwell.

This right here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

I don’t think I care if you asked? “That doesn’t work for me.” Pretty simple. No need to lie.

I had a friend like this—not a super close friend, so I didn’t know in’s and outs of her medical story, but she’d cancel last minute saying she had a bad belly or something. Later found out she was alcoholic and probably just drinking too much to go for a walk, plus she had lost her business due to the pandemic and was depressed. These issues made it hard to get out for a walk or whatever and I didn’t know her well enough to know these things at the time. There’s lots of reasons someone might cancel due to illness—I don’t have a gall bladder and sometimes I have issues where my liver hurts and I have diarrhea for a day or two. Other people have bad cramps or IBS or headaches etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

Anonymous wrote:These responses are helping me be more compassionate. Thank you.

Thanks for taking that in and considering it, OP. I suffer from depression. I make plans, look forward to them and keep them when I’m doing well. If I cancel or flake, it’s because I honestly don’t have the strength—just as when I literally don’t have the strength when I am physically ill. When I am mentally unwell, it is just as real and legit as being physically unwell.

I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Anonymous wrote:Ever think she is actively avoid you?

Did you read the last sentence of OPs post??

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

DW does that for turning down intimate time with me.

I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

She is probably telling the truth. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who skips every third get together with a group of friends we have. I think for her it's a way to control finances. If she said during planning she could not make a weekend, we'd pick another so she agrees and then cancels day of. Every third time!

That doesn’t make sense as a financial strategy. It might work if the outings were on a schedule or all of the same approximate cost. But skipping a night out because it came after two three day weekend getaways would not help.