I’m a little gobmacked at the PP above who said “only $20,000 per year.” That would be more than half my father’s pension!

Could you give him some gift certificates to places with healthier options? Or even just send him links to places—like “I tried this place the other day and it was so delicious—maybe someplace for you and Sol to try!”

I agree with PPs that this is a transition phase for him and it’s good he’s getting out and seeing people. But eating like that every day might actually cause him to feel worse in the long run, physically and mentally.

And also make sure he’s not missing his annual checkup (especially if your mom used to coordinate that). If his sugar or cholesterol start going through the roof, his doctor might give him the bad news.

Also if he used to do a sport like golf or tennis, now is a great time to encourage him to get back in. My dad thinks sports are for rich WASPs that don’t have real work to do or kids who need college scholarships so no way I’d ever get him to play a sport. But he does use the treadmill and under desk elliptical I bought him.

He is not spending YOUR money, OP.

So, let's say he is spending $50 a night. Is that close? If he goes out 50 weeks a year that is less than $20,000 per year.

It's a lot but if he's not buying as much in groceries (only buying for one and buying breakfast/lunch) and doesn't have other expensive hobbies, and his finances are in order, I think this is fine and actually really good for him to get out every day and be social.

As for the food, it's really not your business to tell him what to eat. You could encourage him to order some healthier options, but honestly, even if he was eating at home, would it be any healthier? Older folks eat what they want to eat. They earned it.

If you want him to spend less and eat healthier, invite him to your house, but honestly, he may prefer his restaurants. Maybe he's trying to meet friends or possibly someone to date?

You should absolutely STFU! What a judgmental crow. You want your poor dad to sit home alone every night because you don' approve of his perfectly normal choices. too can only think that you are thinking of inheritance. Or maybe you are just a mean shrew who hates fun.

Assuming he's going out with other people most of the time, that actually sounds extremely healthy to me.
Loneliness and social isolation is a *much* bigger concern for him in my book than some sodium and fat he's eating in a communal meal.

OP - do you really know his budget? Op, unless you are very educated about his assets/cash flow ... and there is an immediate, urgent concern ... you shouldn't judge re: what it cost. Not even if you, or most people, would think it's excessive. Not your concern.

I'm even thinking -health concern- not your place. He will either remain on earth with you/or will be with wife in heaven. You don't necessarily get to win-out as his preference for that one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STFU. I did this as a 30 year old when my husband died. Maybe he’ll change his ways, maybe he won’t. You say he lives close and you have him over “whenever possible.” Doesn’t sound like you’re exactly an open door.

Is this how you talk with people in person? Check your tone

OP legit asked if she should STFU

Anonymous wrote:STFU. I did this as a 30 year old when my husband died. Maybe he’ll change his ways, maybe he won’t. You say he lives close and you have him over “whenever possible.” Doesn’t sound like you’re exactly an open door.

Is this how you talk with people in person? Check your tone

Soon he'll have a new woman to cook for him and care for him, OP, don't worry.

STFU. I did this as a 30 year old when my husband died. Maybe he’ll change his ways, maybe he won’t. You say he lives close and you have him over “whenever possible.” Doesn’t sound like you’re exactly an open door.

I get your concerns, OP.

I also kind of wish my mom did this when she was newly widowed. Her world completely shrank after my dad died and she would not go out at all.

Give him sometime to adjust and bring it up after the holidays.

OP how many nights per week is he dining with friends vs. alone? Did his wife do all the cooking when she was still alive? Where is he eating out? What is your dad doing during other parts of the day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids better not infantilize me when I am able to take care of myself. It would piss me off if they started treating me like a child while I am perfectly capable. However, your dad may not be as hostile towards being treated like a child as I am. You know best how he might respond to such a comment.

I don't see that as being treated like a child, just caring. It's not like someone's cutting his food for him and making him wear a bib.

OP wants to tell him that it's not good for his budget or his health. Adults don't need to tell other adults about that unless they are married.

The only way I'd address this is by asking if he wants help finding a group of other widows/widowers to meet up with to talk etc. Help him with his social life. Don't even mention the food.

He’s going out with people? Leave him alone unless he’s headed towards bankruptcy. It sounds pretty healthy to me.