Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:22     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
My son is also 24. He graduated from college in Dec 2019 and we suggested he live at home for a year and see where his social life was compared to his job. Plus, he could save some money. We said he could if he put $3k a month into a savings plan- over and above the 15% he is putting into his 401k. Covid hit and he is still living at home. He works here too as and not had much of a social life since Covid. We have set next June as a target date for moving out. He is still working from home, but I expect that to change in Jan. A bonus of Covid for him is that he has saved more than the $3k month. He just got a promotion and last Jan started a Masters through his employer - online first as a result of Covid. So, he should be set.

I am glad he did not have an apartment from the get go because he would be alone in it and working from home alone.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:20     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We live in a very expensive area. I agree there is no set time as long as your son is working, going to school, or otherwise making forward progress in his life.

A friend of mine lived with her parents until 25 or so. I thought it was crazy at the time, but then she bought her first house, while I was still renting a shit place and wasting money on other things.


You were ahead in other, perhaps more important, ways. Trust me on this one.


Nope. There is zero difference between those who moved out at 22 vs 25, behaviorally speaking. Financially, however, there is a difference between someone who bought their first real estate in mid-20s vs someone who waited until 30+.

In my family, kids moved out when they had enough money for a downpayment, which was 24 for me and 27 for my brother (he went to grad school).


Why own a home when you are 24?
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:19     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:I have a 24 year old who earns $50k a year and is up for a promotion that will put her at earning $70k plus bonuses and she can remain living at home for as long as she wants to as long as she is saving money. We want her to be able to launch with enough savings for a down payment if she chooses to buy a home or enough to cover her living expenses for 1-2 years if she chooses to rent.



Why? That seems like an awful high bar to reach in order to move out. There are so many benefits to living with roommates/friends, I’m surprised so many people are dismissing it.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:07     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We live in a very expensive area. I agree there is no set time as long as your son is working, going to school, or otherwise making forward progress in his life.

A friend of mine lived with her parents until 25 or so. I thought it was crazy at the time, but then she bought her first house, while I was still renting a shit place and wasting money on other things.


You were ahead in other, perhaps more important, ways. Trust me on this one.


Nope. There is zero difference between those who moved out at 22 vs 25, behaviorally speaking. Financially, however, there is a difference between someone who bought their first real estate in mid-20s vs someone who waited until 30+.

In my family, kids moved out when they had enough money for a downpayment, which was 24 for me and 27 for my brother (he went to grad school).
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:02     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no set age. It depends on the child, the family, the home, and the individual goals and values for all involved.

I'm curious about your reason for asking the question. Is the current arrangement causing friction? Is it preventing someone from doing something they want to do? For instance, if you are hoping to downsize, or maybe move to another area for retirement, it makes sense to communicate those plans to you son and explain why the timeline is and what that means for him.

Or if you feel that living with you is stifling his independence (maybe limiting his dating life, or making him very dependent on you for his social life), I would explain your concerns to him and talk it through (with an open minded, you might not be clearly perceiving what is going on with him).

Another issue would be if he is relying on you for a lot of things he should be doing for himself (buying and cooking food, doing laundry) or is otherwise not contributing to the household. Does he cook and clean to the same degree that other adults in the house do? Does he have his own car and pay for the gas and insurance and maintenance himself, or does he use a car you pay for? Stuff like that. All of that would definitely necessitate a conversation. All adults in a household should be contributing in some way, and should be treating one another as equals and with equal respect. If he's stuck in a prolonged adolescence where his parents still take care of things for him, that is a problem that must be addressed whether he is living with your or not (there are adults who technically have their own homes but still rely on their parents for all of this, and it's still a problem).

But there's no set age where an adult child has to move out. I can think of a number of families where adult kids lived with their parents for all or part of their 20s, sometimes leaving and then returning for various reasons before leaving again. Sometimes it's a problem, sometimes it's not. It can be a really good way to save money for the kids. It can facilitate a close family relationship that paves the way for supportive and positive relationships with grandchildren. It can also provide an older or ailing parent with some help at home.

It really depends on the people involved and how the arrangement is playing out.


Yikes! Could you give advice with less words?


Yes, but it wouldn't be as good. I actually try not to give advice, but find that usually what people need is a framework for thinking about a problem, or for someone to ask the right questions. You can't make life choices for other people.


Great answer -- I totally agree -- and admire you for not snapping back at the snarky comment.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 12:00     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no set age. It depends on the child, the family, the home, and the individual goals and values for all involved.

I'm curious about your reason for asking the question. Is the current arrangement causing friction? Is it preventing someone from doing something they want to do? For instance, if you are hoping to downsize, or maybe move to another area for retirement, it makes sense to communicate those plans to you son and explain why the timeline is and what that means for him.

Or if you feel that living with you is stifling his independence (maybe limiting his dating life, or making him very dependent on you for his social life), I would explain your concerns to him and talk it through (with an open minded, you might not be clearly perceiving what is going on with him).

Another issue would be if he is relying on you for a lot of things he should be doing for himself (buying and cooking food, doing laundry) or is otherwise not contributing to the household. Does he cook and clean to the same degree that other adults in the house do? Does he have his own car and pay for the gas and insurance and maintenance himself, or does he use a car you pay for? Stuff like that. All of that would definitely necessitate a conversation. All adults in a household should be contributing in some way, and should be treating one another as equals and with equal respect. If he's stuck in a prolonged adolescence where his parents still take care of things for him, that is a problem that must be addressed whether he is living with your or not (there are adults who technically have their own homes but still rely on their parents for all of this, and it's still a problem).

But there's no set age where an adult child has to move out. I can think of a number of families where adult kids lived with their parents for all or part of their 20s, sometimes leaving and then returning for various reasons before leaving again. Sometimes it's a problem, sometimes it's not. It can be a really good way to save money for the kids. It can facilitate a close family relationship that paves the way for supportive and positive relationships with grandchildren. It can also provide an older or ailing parent with some help at home.

It really depends on the people involved and how the arrangement is playing out.


+1
This is really well thought out and I think it touches on a lot of the issues you should be considering.
There's no magic age.


+1 more -- I'm not OP, but am also the parent of a young adult who's living with us now because he's saving to buy a car and move to California. Thanks for this thoughtful post.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 11:02     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:I view my 40 year old cousin who never left his parent's house different than my 35 year old brother that's still living at home.

My cousin has a Ph.D., a career and money. My brother is just a loser just sucking my parents dry.

So, it all depends.


Both situations are odd. And examples of enabling and codependency.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 11:01     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:What age should a adult child move out?

DC is 24 and is working full time and has money, how do we have the talk to him to move out?


Barring disabilities and handicaps, definitely after college and age 22. That or pay rent and board and have a real plan to get out and independent.

If mental disorders are involved they can live at home if in therapy and treatment. Not in denial.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:55     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
It’s definitely situational. I never moved back in after I left for college at 18 other than for short periods between terms. One sibling moved back home while doing a clerkship from 25-26, but he tried to pay rent, and my parents had none of that. One friend’s dad had to boot him because he was causing problems in his second marriage, which I could totally see because my friend is a complete slob and I witnessed him ask his dad for money more than once, like he thought his college allowance should continue forever, even though he had a job, and I’m sure the second wife was ready to leave if he didn’t. Another friend moved in with her parents for about 6 months during a divorce in her thirties. I think the best model is to send your kids away for college and then fully launch them by college graduation, but life happens!
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:47     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no set age. It depends on the child, the family, the home, and the individual goals and values for all involved.

I'm curious about your reason for asking the question. Is the current arrangement causing friction? Is it preventing someone from doing something they want to do? For instance, if you are hoping to downsize, or maybe move to another area for retirement, it makes sense to communicate those plans to you son and explain why the timeline is and what that means for him.

Or if you feel that living with you is stifling his independence (maybe limiting his dating life, or making him very dependent on you for his social life), I would explain your concerns to him and talk it through (with an open minded, you might not be clearly perceiving what is going on with him).

Another issue would be if he is relying on you for a lot of things he should be doing for himself (buying and cooking food, doing laundry) or is otherwise not contributing to the household. Does he cook and clean to the same degree that other adults in the house do? Does he have his own car and pay for the gas and insurance and maintenance himself, or does he use a car you pay for? Stuff like that. All of that would definitely necessitate a conversation. All adults in a household should be contributing in some way, and should be treating one another as equals and with equal respect. If he's stuck in a prolonged adolescence where his parents still take care of things for him, that is a problem that must be addressed whether he is living with your or not (there are adults who technically have their own homes but still rely on their parents for all of this, and it's still a problem).

But there's no set age where an adult child has to move out. I can think of a number of families where adult kids lived with their parents for all or part of their 20s, sometimes leaving and then returning for various reasons before leaving again. Sometimes it's a problem, sometimes it's not. It can be a really good way to save money for the kids. It can facilitate a close family relationship that paves the way for supportive and positive relationships with grandchildren. It can also provide an older or ailing parent with some help at home.

It really depends on the people involved and how the arrangement is playing out.


Yikes! Could you give advice with less words?


Could you actually use proper grammar? It's fewer, not less.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:42     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no set age. It depends on the child, the family, the home, and the individual goals and values for all involved.

I'm curious about your reason for asking the question. Is the current arrangement causing friction? Is it preventing someone from doing something they want to do? For instance, if you are hoping to downsize, or maybe move to another area for retirement, it makes sense to communicate those plans to you son and explain why the timeline is and what that means for him.

Or if you feel that living with you is stifling his independence (maybe limiting his dating life, or making him very dependent on you for his social life), I would explain your concerns to him and talk it through (with an open minded, you might not be clearly perceiving what is going on with him).

Another issue would be if he is relying on you for a lot of things he should be doing for himself (buying and cooking food, doing laundry) or is otherwise not contributing to the household. Does he cook and clean to the same degree that other adults in the house do? Does he have his own car and pay for the gas and insurance and maintenance himself, or does he use a car you pay for? Stuff like that. All of that would definitely necessitate a conversation. All adults in a household should be contributing in some way, and should be treating one another as equals and with equal respect. If he's stuck in a prolonged adolescence where his parents still take care of things for him, that is a problem that must be addressed whether he is living with your or not (there are adults who technically have their own homes but still rely on their parents for all of this, and it's still a problem).

But there's no set age where an adult child has to move out. I can think of a number of families where adult kids lived with their parents for all or part of their 20s, sometimes leaving and then returning for various reasons before leaving again. Sometimes it's a problem, sometimes it's not. It can be a really good way to save money for the kids. It can facilitate a close family relationship that paves the way for supportive and positive relationships with grandchildren. It can also provide an older or ailing parent with some help at home.

It really depends on the people involved and how the arrangement is playing out.


Yikes! Could you give advice with less words?


Yes, but it wouldn't be as good. I actually try not to give advice, but find that usually what people need is a framework for thinking about a problem, or for someone to ask the right questions. You can't make life choices for other people.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:33     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
I view my 40 year old cousin who never left his parent's house different than my 35 year old brother that's still living at home.

My cousin has a Ph.D., a career and money. My brother is just a loser just sucking my parents dry.

So, it all depends.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:32     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
My husband's father and stepmother told him that he could not come home after he left for college. Not for breaks. Not for summer. Not after he graduated. They reluctantly paid for college, but nothing for support in the summer or after graduation. He was 100% on his own after he graduated.

I moved in and out of the family home until I was 30 and graduated law school. I've been out and on my own since then. I'm grateful to have my parents and not my husband's parents.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:30     Subject: What age should a adult child move out?
Anonymous wrote:I had to live with mine until I got married at 30. My sister is a PA and still lives with them at 32 so she can pay back her loans. DC is SO expensive, there was no way I could have made it without living with my parents, and I’m super grateful they let me.




+1. I was 28 when I moved from my parents and in with my dh. Financial reasons, as well as cultural norms were involved. I appreciate that they didn't push me out. I could've made it, but I wouldn't have been able to bring as much money into my marital home.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2021 10:28     Subject: Re:What age should a adult child move out?
I have a 24 year old who earns $50k a year and is up for a promotion that will put her at earning $70k plus bonuses and she can remain living at home for as long as she wants to as long as she is saving money. We want her to be able to launch with enough savings for a down payment if she chooses to buy a home or enough to cover her living expenses for 1-2 years if she chooses to rent.