Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest DH drives MIL up in her car that way she has a car up there and doesn't have to be shuttled around by you plus FIL and MIL can drive home together. Have kids ride with them they get to spend time with Grandma and you get a relaxing drive up.

This is a good idea!

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest DH drives MIL up in her car that way she has a car up there and doesn't have to be shuttled around by you plus FIL and MIL can drive home together. Have kids ride with them they get to spend time with Grandma and you get a relaxing drive up.

This is a good idea!

Agreed! And also make pretty intensive plans on the back end with your friends and family so that you aren’t available for any time after the family event.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest DH drives MIL up in her car that way she has a car up there and doesn't have to be shuttled around by you plus FIL and MIL can drive home together. Have kids ride with them they get to spend time with Grandma and you get a relaxing drive up.

This is a good idea!

Anonymous wrote:Can you cancel the extra days and take your family vacation time at a later date?

This would piss me off. Canceling my plans to see my family and my friends because my MIL would crash my vacation is very problematic. She’s still controlling OP’s life, just in a different way. The relationship would be done at that point. Thanksgiving the following week would be miserable, I would be tempted to get “the flu” and I would keep my daughter home too.

How is MIL (and DIL) getting home from the event? Could anyone else share the carpooling one way? I am in your corner, I would not want to be stuck chauffeuring MIL around all weekend.

Can you cancel the extra days and take your family vacation time at a later date?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% see where you are coming from, and understand your feelings.

My question is: is it possible that she is getting frail/afraid to drive? My parents and ILs are both reaching that stage of life, and I have compassion for that. If you say no, she’s in her 60s and doing great and drives often including distances just fine, then I think you can say no with no guilt.

But if you even remotely suspect that driving alone would be a burden for her, it would be an act of care and kindness to the mother of your husband to bring her along.

And if I may…I try to deal with my IL issues in a constructive way, and one tool I have in my back pocket (doctor prescribed) is 5mg Valium. In a situation like a daylong car ride, I’d take two and be still able to drive and fully participate, but it takes the edge off of my anxiety leading up to seeing them. In case that is remotely helpful for you to consider.

Op here - thanks for your feedback. I think she is right on the edge - she drives often and does do long distances but she prefers not too. I don’t think she would consider driving to this city without us and would otherwise take the train. That would be a slight burden because she would need to navigate to/from the train station but otherwise I think this might be more about traveling alone or with us. And haha about the tool. I can appreciate that approach.

Np I would ask myself what is the kindness thing can I do? This is your husband's mother. Surely, you can sit in a car with her? How would you feel if you were the MIL and your D
IL said even though we are staying at the same hotel, going to the same event we need to go separately?

Choose to be kind.

Well said. This says what I was thinking.

You are going for a family event so its not like this is your own vacation. I really don't like my MIL however in this instance I would let your MIL come with you.

I say this because otherwise she will have to drive alone and for some older people that length of a drive is nerve racking.

Yes you have to drive her there and see her at the event however that gives you an out for the rest of the trip. You can then plan the other days without her. I would think that is a fair deal. At the event you don't have to see her the whole time, you can move off and spend time with others.

I get you have history with her. I would take some headphones and if you start getting irritated listen to some music or audiobook during the drive, or simply switch off and enjoy the scenery.

I really don't like my MIL but in this instance I would suck it up as making her drive by herself just seems mean especially when you are all going to the same place for a family event.

Make it clear to your DH that if you give her a ride, she is NOT to stay longer and crash your family time after this event.

Make. It. Clear. It is 100% his job to ensure this does not happen and that she has a ride home after the family event that is NOT you all.

Then I'd agree to giving her a ride. And only then. Download a book to listen to and then put on headphones and IGNORE everyone. Let her sit up front with DH and ZONE OUT in the back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they told you would be staying a few extra days? Did they book a few extra days as well?

OP here. DH tells me MIL does know we are staying extra days but I don’t know if that’s what she’s doing too… This is a great question though and it just prompted me to bring up these details with him. He says he will ask and get clear. To add some color - this is all new territory for him too… handling the communication and also just communicating details period whether to me or with his parents.

While I completely empathize, I think not driving her one way is going to be a really hard thing to say no to if you have room in your car. BUT - you can draw the boundary there. She gets dropped off and that's it.

I think your husband needs to handle this and be honest: "Mom, we can give you a ride to the event, but after it's over we are on a family vacation, so Dad will need to be able to drive you home. We will see you the next week for Thanksgiving." And then if she tries to manipulate the situation, just repeat the above. It may be unpleasant, but if you are just now setting boundaries then you'll have to go through that the first time or two.

This way, you are being totally reasonable and helpful but also protecting what you need to do for your family.

I would suggest DH drives MIL up in her car that way she has a car up there and doesn't have to be shuttled around by you plus FIL and MIL can drive home together. Have kids ride with them they get to spend time with Grandma and you get a relaxing drive up.

Is FIL driving there and then driving home? If he is flying and they won’t have a car there, I would say a hard no. No way do you want to be shuttling them around all weekend or risk them staying later to join your little family vacation. Will FIL get there the same time as you? Or meeting the next day which gives you another full day with her? If he will be there and has a car, then maaaaybe you could just deal with her for the drive but be very clear you have plans with other people so can’t hang out aside from the event. And then make some plans! Even if it’s just figuring out what you are going to do and then telling her you can’t hang out.

What about a compromise - she drives separately but caravan together and you can stop for lunch or whatever on the way? Then you don’t have to worry about her being all alone and lost, but still don’t have to sit in the car with her for hours and hours.

And, maybe you can call the hotel and ask to be in a room far from theirs? I have no idea if the front desk would keep that info private. Or switch to a hotel with a full suite, say you want to be able to have friends over after the kid is in bed?

OP here - thanks for all these responses. They really are helpful and give me various perspectives on this.

I’ve been applying some of this advice in real time as I’ve been reading them… my DH called up his mom and she will be taking the train separately. We may drive her home but will see. I would rather not but not sure if I have it in me to say no to her twice on this. And this seems like a reasonable compromise and at least I will not arrive to the hotel already exhausted by MIL time. Fwiw we have a small suv and technically there is a seat for her but usually need it for luggage. He also communicated that we do have other plans for the weekend and cannot necessarily spend all of the daytime hrs with her. I am pretty satisfied with this for now. It is possible it will go awry but trying to focus on what I can control and remain compassionate without betraying my own limitations. This in law boundary stuff is not easy for a former people pleaser like me!

Can you offer to pick her up from the train station?

She can drive back with FIL, right?

Usually, I need the space in the car to keep the kids comfortable and me sane. It’s a lot harder to drive somewhere with my parents and little kids, so I would say no (unless there was truly no other option.) And if we did drive together my husband would need to pick the family event or Thanksgiving because spending all of November with inlaws is too much to ask of anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% see where you are coming from, and understand your feelings.

My question is: is it possible that she is getting frail/afraid to drive? My parents and ILs are both reaching that stage of life, and I have compassion for that. If you say no, she’s in her 60s and doing great and drives often including distances just fine, then I think you can say no with no guilt.

But if you even remotely suspect that driving alone would be a burden for her, it would be an act of care and kindness to the mother of your husband to bring her along.

And if I may…I try to deal with my IL issues in a constructive way, and one tool I have in my back pocket (doctor prescribed) is 5mg Valium. In a situation like a daylong car ride, I’d take two and be still able to drive and fully participate, but it takes the edge off of my anxiety leading up to seeing them. In case that is remotely helpful for you to consider.

Op here - thanks for your feedback. I think she is right on the edge - she drives often and does do long distances but she prefers not too. I don’t think she would consider driving to this city without us and would otherwise take the train. That would be a slight burden because she would need to navigate to/from the train station but otherwise I think this might be more about traveling alone or with us. And haha about the tool. I can appreciate that approach.

Np I would ask myself what is the kindness thing can I do? This is your husband's mother. Surely, you can sit in a car with her? How would you feel if you were the MIL and your D
IL said even though we are staying at the same hotel, going to the same event we need to go separately?

Choose to be kind.

NP. Here’s what: if as a MIL you push boundaries, overstep, whine and wheedle, and otherwise behave badly, you don’t get the automatic “it’s his mom/be kind” pass.

OP has issues with MIL for a reason, not because she woke up one day and decided not to like her MIL. She has spared us the long backstory, but I think many of us can guess some of the reasons why they aren’t close. OP has also said she’s made strides/their relationship has improved, which goes to show OP is not an Ogre DIL.

Come on.