Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a middle school girl, and I think sometimes they know when they’re asshats and sometimes they’re so egocentric and worried about their own popularity that they truly don’t realize that they’ve hurt someone. I do think the OP should say something. Kid B is going to show up uninvited and that’s mortifying!

You’ve misread. She’s not going to show up at all. The girls aren’t talking about Halloween plans in front of her. She doesn’t know the rest of the group is going to a party at A’s house and she’s not invited.

I think the most likely scenario is on Thursday or Friday she asks one of the group members about planning something for Halloween and then the other girl gets all awkward or says “I’m going to A’s party.”

+1. If you know a girl is going to potentially be heartbroken and hurt at being rejected, why wouldn't you help guide your own DD? They are 12 and still figuring out what's acceptable. See if you can learn more from your DD. Is B being excluded because she was mean to A, and as a result A doesn't want to be with her? Or is this a deliberate attempt to be unkind, or perhaps even an accidental oversight?

How can we teach our kids to stand up for others and/or not let mean girl activity happen if we don't provide guidance and input?

Absolutely don't force include her. This will not end well for anyone. Sure it looks nice in the moment and parents feel better but it does not help the child. The child needs new friends who like her.

Do not force the invite. It will make her even more disliked and they will likely text behind her back but right in front of her face.

I was kicked out of my group once. A few adults tried to help me back in. It doesn't work. It just makes things worse and prolongs the kid finding new friends who enjoy and want her company.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

I agree MS kids need more guidance and that we need to teach them to be nice, but I would be careful about the judgment here. We don’t actually know the reasons this girl wasn’t invited. It’s possible she was the one being unkind and the host needs a break and just doesn’t know how to handle it with tact. And maybe she IS trying to be kind by not blabbing about a conflict that occurred to the rest of the group - there could be a lot of scenarios here.

At the end of the day, it’s her guest list since she is the one hosting. And whether OP’s daughter decides to attend, and whether she decides to include girl B going forward in other events she does initiate or host, is of course up to her.

You said your DD isn't close to the girl? But they do stuff as a group for many years? Why don't you ask her why the girl isn't invited or have her ask A if that important.

You're in a tough spot. If you talk to this girls mom so much that 5 days before halloween she thinks she's hanging with them and you don't spill, it will be awk. But it is going to be awk either way. I don't know how you talk to the mom about Halloween without mentioning she's going to a party at Susie house and then let them figure it out. No lying, just honesty. Because now your friend thinks her DD is going with yours and that isn't the case so it may affect your friendship by you having kept it from her.

You prob should have let her know DD is going to Susies and let her work it out when it came up in the first place

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

+1

+2

+3

The people who go full hands off in middle school drive me nuts. Your job is not done. And it's not social engineering to let your child know that being an asshole is unacceptable.

+1

Terrible parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

+1

+2

+3

The people who go full hands off in middle school drive me nuts. Your job is not done. And it's not social engineering to let your child know that being an asshole is unacceptable.

Girl and Mom B will find out sooner or later, even if it's after the fact, which honestly would just suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

+1

+2

We are in group A and have a duplicate (or maybe the same?) situation going on here. My 7th grader has a big group of friends and they are gathering at a friend's house for Halloween, but one friend, who is part of the broader group but isn't always invited to all the group activities, is not part of this plan. The difference here is I do not think she thinks she is part of the plan. The main reason she isn't always invited is because she prefers smaller group activities and doesn't like big group outings, so she naturally has excluded herself in the past. I have asked my DD why isn't Larla invited and why don't you all include Larla too, but am getting some resistance and have decided just to leave it alone. Larla is still friends with the girls, but she has sort of removed herself from large group outings to the point where I think she doesn't get the invite to the bigger group activities (I am not sure if deep down she wants to be or not). Overall the group is still friends with her, but she tends to be off the invite when it's a big group thing vs. 1-2 friends deciding to do something together. I decided in this case just to sort itself out and in the end, the Halloween group hangout isn't going to define their friendships in the long term. The group sort of ebbs and flows from what I can tell. Not everyone does everything together and in the words of my often clueless husband but in this case he seemed spot on, that is okay.

Maybe ask your daughter if she can talk to A and see if the group can include B, since they have traditionally done things as a group?

I admit I'm viewing this through a skewed lense, but when I was in 5th grade, all of my friends decided they would kick me out of their group by organizing a Halloween party that didn't include me. It was truly awful to be that kid, excluded and alone, especially since I didn't know what I'd done wrong, and I had thought things were just fine up until I realized I was not invited. I was blindsided. When I say it took me YEARS to get over that, I'm not kidding. I still remember how awful it felt, and that was 1985. So, you know.

If Girl B is always included in the group, but your dd knows that B is not being included this time, then Girl A must have spoken about it. Otherwise, your dd wouldn’t know. What did Girl A say? Why A is planning to drop B from the group matters. It could be mean girl behavior or there could be a good reason. This isn’t your problem to solve, but I’d at least ask my dd what she knows.

Stay out of it. For all you know B was really mean to A and A needs a break from B.

This completely happened to my DD at that age. It wasn't a party as much as who was in what group costume with whom that they wore to school.

I was proud that my DD chose to do the really nice thing and do a double costume with the excluded child instead of the bigger group costume.

Happened in other years as well until maybe sophomore or junior year of hs when they finally started to mature about this nonsense. I kid you not...it took that long in our immature bubble district.

Not really a party invitation issue but as far as halloween goes....avoid group costume drama and just try to get you kid to do a solo gig.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

100% this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Only if YOU let them. You should be looking at texts and SM at this age. If not, you are failing as a parent.

Disagree. Middle school is old enough to know right from wrong. There’s no way these kids don’t know they’re being asshats. They need to figure this stuff out on their own from here on out. A parent telling you you’re being a jerk doesn’t go nearly as far as other kids letting you know, and feeling the fallout of your actions.

I have a middle school girl, and I think sometimes they know when they’re asshats and sometimes they’re so egocentric and worried about their own popularity that they truly don’t realize that they’ve hurt someone. I do think the OP should say something. Kid B is going to show up uninvited and that’s mortifying!

You’ve misread. She’s not going to show up at all. The girls aren’t talking about Halloween plans in front of her. She doesn’t know the rest of the group is going to a party at A’s house and she’s not invited.

I think the most likely scenario is on Thursday or Friday she asks one of the group members about planning something for Halloween and then the other girl gets all awkward or says “I’m going to A’s party.”