Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 14:16     Subject: Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:Any tips on how to talk with/console my 11 year old about how a friend she has had since she was a baby no longer wants to get together? We were in a nanny share together as we lived in the same neighborhood, they always attended different schools but the girls had some shared interests, so went to the same weekend activity classes. This family moved to another neighborhood and my daughter chose to no longer do the same dance class as her friend to pursue other interests.

During the deep pandemic lockdowns, the family was part of our “bubble” so the kids would go on walks together and FaceTime. My daughter is feeling quite hurt that her friend no longer answers her requests to talk. I am more disappointed than mad at the parents that they do not acknowledge texts about getting the kids together. We weren’t super close although it was always pleasant to spend time together occasionally.

I understand that friendships change as kids grow older, I just feel at a loss about how to help my daughter process this change.
They were the type of friends that called each other “sisters”. My daughter feels like there is something wrong with her now that her oldest friend no longer wants to talk with her.

She is an introverted only child so this friendship has been really important to her sense of identity and development to this point in her life. I’ve told her that she has lots of great friends and will make new ones. I can see that the hurt is really deep for her though.

Thanks for any advice you have-


Mom, I know it's difficult, as we feel so very helpless when we see our babies hurting.

Please read what I bolded though -- is it possible that this child was feeling too responsible for your daughter's happiness?

That's a feeling that's WAY above an 11 year olds pay grade, and she probably doesn't have the maturity or communication skills to rationalize that feeling mindfully & thoughtfully.
So instead, she sticks her head in the sand, in hopes that your daughter gets the picture by ghosting her. 😕

Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 12:52     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
friendships change as kids grow older


and this is what it looks like. Nothing more. Op, no need to be surprised that it's hard. It's hard. People adjust. Your child will have to adjust.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 11:55     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........


I've found there are several types of parents. Some parents are so invested in their tween and teens social life that they forget they are not in middle school themselves.


+1

NP here. You said it!


+2

Exactly
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 08:44     Subject: Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. This happens all the time at this age. Kids grow up and sometimes grow apart personality wise. The parents are probably being awkward because they either have to tell you straight up their daughter doesn’t want to play with your daughter, or else force her to continue the friendship.


This. I doubt the parents are being purposeful jerks. This type of thing happens all the time.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 08:30     Subject: Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
I’m so sorry OP. This happens all the time at this age. Kids grow up and sometimes grow apart personality wise. The parents are probably being awkward because they either have to tell you straight up their daughter doesn’t want to play with your daughter, or else force her to continue the friendship.
Anonymous
Post 10/24/2021 02:03     Subject: Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
My guess is that the friend has started back at school and has a new social scene bursting with new friends. It totally changes at that age bc they go from a small pond to a big pond and honestly a friend they don’t see at school or even in the neighborhood is completely out of sight out of mind.

In addition, I’m seeing lots of friendships from these pandemic bubbles falling apart far more than normal. I think kids were really restricted to hanging out with one or two kids in an unnatural way compared to kids typical socializing patterns. Force a kid to limit interactions to a few kids and those friendships became forced and less attractive.

It’s unfortunate that the parents couldn’t be honest at least a little - especially if you are friends with them. I’ve had this happen and if it were me and we were good friends, I’d tell you. However, I’ve had parent friends ignore me in this way and it was obvious why, and it bothered me too, but I think a lot of adults hate awkward conversations.

I would just really encourage new friends at school - that your daughter is even that concerned at this point says to me that maybe she is struggling at school?
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 20:53     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........


Some people do not handle calmly confronting the issue well so it's easier to ghost. Ghosting avoids drama. It also leaves a door open because you can always say things got busy.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 19:51     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........


I've found there are several types of parents. Some parents are so invested in their tween and teens social life that they forget they are not in middle school themselves.


Man, this is so accurate.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 14:46     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........


I've found there are several types of parents. Some parents are so invested in their tween and teens social life that they forget they are not in middle school themselves.


+1

NP here. You said it!
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 14:38     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
PP here - you should've called instead of text, but since they have not responded I would encourage her to move on. When the dust settles, think of it in a good way. Your DD had become dependent on that friend since it's difficult for her to make friends. She's better off in that she has to develop friend making skills.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 13:22     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Anonymous wrote:Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........


I've found there are several types of parents. Some parents are so invested in their tween and teens social life that they forget they are not in middle school themselves.
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 13:19     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
Agree very muc with PP. My main issue here is not that this is happening (sure, kids drift...) it's how it's being handled (for gods sakes can't we parent our kids to handle this with a little more dignitiy and respect than "ghosting").........
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 13:16     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
"LIVID"
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 13:15     Subject: Re:Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
This is so honestly painful and you're doing a great job validating for her that she is allowed to feel crummy. Just being there and supporting is everything. Between you and me, I'm LIVED at the other Mother who is allowing this, as the families were close. THat's a "maybe forgive, but never forget" moment in my opinion. I would probably go to lunch with the other Mom and see if you can soften the blow for your daughter. If you can't, well, you have all the information you need about your relationship with this family. When this happened to us, the number one thing that helped my daughter was spending time with a high school friend, an older teen female who my daughter who was able to better normalize it and getting her through it then I was. Ii really feel for you........and again, it sounds like you are doing everything right......just keep listening.....
Anonymous
Post 10/23/2021 13:15     Subject: Longtime friend “ghosting” your tween…
At this age, the friends that kids make because the parents are friends start to fall away. My child had a group of four really good friends and is only still friends with one. It was more because the parents hang out together - so the kids were "friends"

Imagine being forced to be friends with the children of your parents?

Let your child find her own friends in time, but agree comfort her about the loss she maybe feeling.