Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? 20s or 30s?

OP here. I’m 30. He’s 35.

Anonymous wrote:I have never and would never live with a man without a commitment. Too many friends stuck for years then had to move out. If you aren't talking about marriage then do not move in.

Well, to be fair, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce too, which is terribly traumatic and usually involves kids.

But I agree.

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what he wants in life? Like does he want marriage, kids, etc? Living together is a natural precursor to that. Every married couple I know (myself included) lived together before getting engaged. I don’t buy into that whole idea about why would men propose if they’re getting the benefits of marriage already. Lots of men do want committed relationships and marriage and kids. Living together is a good way to take the next step to that, save money, and spend more time together.

If you haven’t talked about it, now is a good time. Just be upfront about what you want and when you may want it.

OP here. Yes. He told me on the like date 3 that he was looking for a relationship that would hopefully become very serious. He’s ready to settle down and didn’t want to waste my time if I wasn’t considering marriage in the near future. We have had at least a handful of serious conversations about our future since then. We don’t have a timeline but we both want to get married and have kids.

We are in love and I see myself marrying him. I’ve never lived with a partner before and navigating this stage is new to me. He has told me many times he will marry me. His brother wife told me a couple of months at their wedding how my boyfriend told them he plans to marry me and that he was sure I was it for him. She said that he told them very early on and many times more that he knew he wanted to marry me.

How old are you OP? 20s or 30s?

OP here. We have talked many times and have had very serious discussions about getting engaged and married. We have not set a timeline or a date, but we want to get married.

I thought I would move in and see how loving together went to just be sure. I spend most of my time at his place, but I’ve had friends do the same and then move in with their partners only to realize they can’t live together and break up. We both take marriage very seriously and it’s not something either of us want to rush into. He’s more willing but I don’t feel there is a need to rush.

Friends and family telling me to make sure I get engaged first now makes me question if I should do that. I don’t want to put him on the spot and feel like he has to rush, but I also do not want to become a woman who moves in and never gets a ring. I’m not sure what to do.

If you are asking the question "should I get a ring?" vs "should we get engaged?" then the answer is you shouldn't move in with him yet.

Do you know what he wants in life? Like does he want marriage, kids, etc? Living together is a natural precursor to that. Every married couple I know (myself included) lived together before getting engaged. I don’t buy into that whole idea about why would men propose if they’re getting the benefits of marriage already. Lots of men do want committed relationships and marriage and kids. Living together is a good way to take the next step to that, save money, and spend more time together.

If you haven’t talked about it, now is a good time. Just be upfront about what you want and when you may want it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

It seems like most people arent saying a ring literally needs to be on her finger, just that is critical that prior to moving in she makes sure that he also wants to spend the rest of his life with her and they have the same expectations on what that means (including timeline).

I also moved in pre-ring on finger, but made sure to have the conversation around what moving in means. To us moving in = a commitment to get married in the future w/ or w/ out a ring.

I don’t really understand what a “timeline” looks like. I can see being committed to someone and maybe having a discussion about kids (depending on how old you are) and maybe having a discussion about being married before kids, but saying “i will move in if we plan to get engaged in the next year” doesn’t really compute.

Anonymous wrote:Or try something radical and don’t move in until married.

Riiight, don’t try living together before entering into a lifelong contract that involves living together. That always works out well.

Or try something radical and don’t move in until married.

I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are this reliant on what everyone else thinks, you are not ready to be a life partner to anyone (with or without a ring).

I agree with this. You need to know who you are as a person before you get married.

+2

I think you should discuss timelines for marriage and kids but I think it’s fine living together. You learn a lot about someone and may find out your incompatible. If you are going to spend your life with someone (40+ years), why not try it out first to see if it works for both of you. It’s 2021, most couples live together before marriage or an engagement. I met the same criticisms from my catholic family but followed my intuition.

I would extend my lease, stay over at his place as often as I'd like and see what living with him on a partial basis is like. Then if we are still together after six months, I would expect a conversation and commitment before I would move any further.

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

It seems like most people arent saying a ring literally needs to be on her finger, just that is critical that prior to moving in she makes sure that he also wants to spend the rest of his life with her and they have the same expectations on what that means (including timeline).

I also moved in pre-ring on finger, but made sure to have the conversation around what moving in means. To us moving in = a commitment to get married in the future w/ or w/ out a ring.