I see what you are saying, OP. I am always sort of embarrassed that I’m a SAHM (2 and 4) but basically need to do appointments, phone calls, etc on a working person’s schedule bc I need my husband to watch the kids. I think people do understand this, though. I take my kids to the grocery store once a week, but I also don’t feel like it’s right to keep my kids in the car all morning/afternoon running errands. I often have my husband pick stuff up on his way home from work. Really, my day is kind of like being a nanny.

I am an introverted SAHM. I can see both sides. Some ppl take running the home and raising their kids in a certain way very seriously. We all define, as some PPs have pointed out, what is "necessary" in a different way. The rigoros keep their homes clean and organized and prioritize giving their kids the interaction and stimulation they judge optimal in the early years. I personally take the reading and writing of literature very seriously and have felt for years that I didn't have "enough time." Bunk, naturally. Even when I had a preschooler and a baby at home I had more time than I did when working outside the home, and far more control over how I spent it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then why don’t people ask nannies to run a bunch of errands or clean the house with a 2 year old in tow?

You seem to have trouble with the distinction between a nanny who is working as an employee in someone else’s household and a person who is running their own household.

When we lived in a country where the household employment norms are different, our nanny/housekeeper mixed child care and household duties. The key to doing it well is finding a balance, and it doesn't matter whether you are an employee of the family, or an at-home parent. For many in the DMV in 2021, balance certainly isn't one of our strengths.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

I can see this if you are a SAH parent to kids who are in school. But with a 2-year-old at home, it's a lot harder for her to volunteer for PTA than someone like me who WOH with two in elementary school.

Are there PTAs for kids not in school?

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

I can see this if you are a SAH parent to kids who are in school. But with a 2-year-old at home, it's a lot harder for her to volunteer for PTA than someone like me who WOH with two in elementary school.

SAHM here. Good luck keeping the nanny off her phone or catching up with her TV show.

Anonymous wrote:

You have more time than someone that works all day and has child care and household responsibilities at night. Makes sense?

Exactly. No one is saying you are lounging around doing nothing, but imagine being at work 8 hours a day, plus an hour commute each way, and then tack on seeing your child for an hour or two in the evening and then needing to call your parents to check in.

The difference is that a SAH probably doesn't have a cleaning service and it's likely that her DH has dumped his chores on her because ' she has free time'. In reality, the house is getting more messed up from DC being home all day vs. in daycare so SAH has more cleaning not less. The SAH mom is doing all the childcare, all the extra housework and all the cooking. When I worked in an office I could take long lunches, shop on line, have long adult conversations, go to happy hour after work. Going to work in an office was 10X easier than being a SAH.

Anonymous wrote:I get your point OP (and I've always been a WOHM). Some working parents will pay their nannies big bucks and implement all kinds of rules on what their nannies should be doing for 8 hours but devalue it when a parent wants to do it on their own and tell them they are doing it wrong if they don't have free time and aren't stress-free. It's ridiculous. I've said it before and I stand by this--this SAH vs WOH/WAH debate has always boiled down to people who are insecure or unhappy in their own working situations projecting that bitterness onto the opposite side to make themselves feel better. For the most part, my friends (and I think most people) are all pretty happy with their varying work situations and we never talk about it because it's not an issue. Most people don't care and you need to ignore those who insult you as long as it works for YOU.

100%. I would prefer not to be a working parent but I absolutely don't have a choice. I would love to drop off school supplies in the middle of the day or call my parents while taking the 2-year-old for a walk (or find I still don't have the time! Just give me the chance). I struggle with jealousy, especially when I hear SAHs complain, but I don't understand wanting that person to feel bad.

You do have a ton of free time. You’re choosing to “spend” it all by highly restricting yourself. Your free will. Not what I would do.

I don’t understand this need for everybody to think your time is so precious.

I’m part of a group of moms some WOH, some WAH, some SAH.

All of us help each other out … snow day, I WAH.., I pick up the kids until everybody can get home.

One SAHM refuses to be “helpful” because “we assume she is doing nothing”.

We all are doing stuff.

When we stopped including her in the “hey can you grab the kids” texts she got all pissy. The other SAH parents don’t act like this. Hey if you are “too busy” to ever help then you don’t get the benefit of everybody else helping.

I’m literally always home so I can always grab the kids. I’m working from home. My time is not some precious jewel.

Anonymous wrote:I get your point OP (and I've always been a WOHM). Some working parents will pay their nannies big bucks and implement all kinds of rules on what their nannies should be doing for 8 hours but devalue it when a parent wants to do it on their own and tell them they are doing it wrong if they don't have free time and aren't stress-free. It's ridiculous. I've said it before and I stand by this--this SAH vs WOH/WAH debate has always boiled down to people who are insecure or unhappy in their own working situations projecting that bitterness onto the opposite side to make themselves feel better. For the most part, my friends (and I think most people) are all pretty happy with their varying work situations and we never talk about it because it's not an issue. Most people don't care and you need to ignore those who insult you as long as it works for YOU.

A million times +1

Anonymous wrote:Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

Well said. And it's certainly reasonable to assume that a SAHM has more free time than a WOH mom!

Everyone's boundaries and capacities are different regardless of SAH or WOH. We all know (or are!) SAH parents who stay home precisely so they CAN be involved with the PTA, have more time for working out or working around the house, be the one who volunteers to pick up random things for the kids' classroom, etc. So it's a little rich to sneer that yes, you stay at home, but you are still omg too busy to do these things. The better tack is to graciously hold your boundary if there is ever an incorrect assumption of how you specifically choose to use your time: "I'm sorry, I'm not available to do x at y time." Don't make it a thing.

I get your point OP (and I've always been a WOHM). Some working parents will pay their nannies big bucks and implement all kinds of rules on what their nannies should be doing for 8 hours but devalue it when a parent wants to do it on their own and tell them they are doing it wrong if they don't have free time and aren't stress-free. It's ridiculous. I've said it before and I stand by this--this SAH vs WOH/WAH debate has always boiled down to people who are insecure or unhappy in their own working situations projecting that bitterness onto the opposite side to make themselves feel better. For the most part, my friends (and I think most people) are all pretty happy with their varying work situations and we never talk about it because it's not an issue. Most people don't care and you need to ignore those who insult you as long as it works for YOU.

OP I think you’re right. Sure you’re probably not as busy as a working mom but that doesn’t mean you have time for a phone call during your limited “downtime.” I do think you could drive to pick up things from your kids’ class room but not if it interferes with nap time.