Anonymous wrote:Maybe its just me but OP sounds a tad overdramatic

We have no real details to judge.

Maybe its just me but OP sounds a tad overdramatic

My spouse was accountable, did everything right, sought out to make amends, get therapy, became better.

My anger and hurt didn’t diminish, though I tried. Sometimes the hurt is too deep and the offense too great or went on too long.

If you can’t reconcile in your heart, sometimes you have to part ways even when love is there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

Give them the chance to be held accountable, OP. That’s the only you’ll know whether they’re worth the stress and anxiety.

The only way “someone is held accountable” is if Op or a third party intervener (therapist, mutual friends or family) demands corrective action. Hinting at it may work if there is any self awareness, or say you have a chance now to Do the Right thing. Now. And if he balks and deflects you know he’s got issues. If he sincerely apologizes and tells you his plan for not doing it again, you could try again. Or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

Yes that would be the mature and healthy thing to do- hold them accountable for THEIR behaviors, they apologize, improve, love. That’s normal.

Anonymous wrote:If this is a romantic partner, you get therapy and you break up.

If this is a mother/sibling/child relationship, you get therapy and build boundaries, whatever that may look like.

This.

If this is a romantic relationship, it seems like there may be something toxic going on. While my husband may have done some things that have hurt my feelings or made me feel disrespected, I would never use the language he “harmed” me. Ive also never, ever thought I would lose him when I have pointed out how and why I felt hurt or disrespected. And I have never spent time thinking about how he needed to be “accountable”
to me. We talk stuff through, there are apologies and perhaps changes in how we operate.

What you are describing doesn’t sound great. This isn’t how strong relationships work — at all.

I think I love you : ). More sound advice, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you are rationally angry at someone who has really harmed you but whom you still irrationally really love? I find it impossible to stay angry when with this person in person, they just melt it away from me, but when apart I am furious. But then I don’t want to hurt them and love them again. Even though they hurt me.

Not good. Get therapy. Lay low. Talk with your support group.

Someone has harmed you. Red flag.

They may or may not have taken responsibility and made amends. Or maybe this is the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time.

That’s just it. They haven’t taken responsibility or made amends. Although they acknowledged that they did hurt me. I want to hold them accountable but am scared to bc I think I will lose them or they will lose love for me even though I think you can both love someone AND hold them accountable at the same time.

Give them the chance to be held accountable, OP. That’s the only you’ll know whether they’re worth the stress and anxiety.

Thanks this is a constructive suggestion.

It's what I've had to do. Holding them accountable is also an assertion of your boundaries and expression of self-worth. And it sets the tone for how you expect to be treated. Try not to let fear hold you back because you'll always get less than you want operating from that space. Good luck!