Anonymous wrote:Would he every watch Atypical on Netflix and see any parallels?

Great suggestion! Maybe I'll turn it on when he's around.... I hate being sneaky, but he can't live in denial that he has ASD forever. In fact, I think accepting he has ASD might help him manage it better, get a job, find an understanding girlfriend. He really thinks he's "typical." Sigh. He's not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Coffee chats and informationals zooms or calls are. You can’t just dump your resume and not follow up directly. Even if you are cal tech or MIT.

I know all this. I've patiently explained this to him. DH has patiently explained this to him. He won't listen to us. All he does is send out his resume, wait for the call (it always comes) and do a zoom interview, then there's no job offer.

I think an interviewing coach is a great idea, but where would I find one? And I think he should pay for it, but that's not likely to happen. And how to get him to see someone like that?

He said to me when I was gently nudging him toward picking up the phone to call a recruiter that he was "tired of me lecturing" him. That really broke me.

How many interviews has he had? Has he had more than one interview with the same company? First round is always with a recruiter, and it is mostly behavioral assessment. If he is not progressing to the next round, he needs help with soft skills, eg interview coach (look online for one). It is not that deep really, he will have to memorize standard responses and do interview prep. He can find lists of behavioral questions online as well. Also, send him to teamblind.com to see what others do to land a job. It is a lot of work. And it takes time. I am not surprised it is taking him that long, especially if he aims high.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

I’m not op, and I don’t have an adult HFA kid, but I know enough to know that you are appalling.

Where did op describe rudeness? Please do quote, because I’m very curious to know how struggles turn into rudeness.

I disagree. I know the type in denial their symptoms and diagnoses and pain they cause others. They never developed positive coping mechanisms and self developed very negative ones instead. This is too bad, because he will present narcissistic to people close to him at work or home. The attitude that he can do no wrong, will not go over well.

OP here. He's not arrogant or rude. He's immature and has an ASD, which makes him rigid and naive in his thinking at times. But his colleagues have always liked working with him, as he is flexible in a STEM settting. If you've never had a child or close relative with ASD, it's difficult to understand. There's no narcissism. He can be very kind and funny and sweet. He loves our dog, and often says that he appreciates the things DH and I do for him. But I can't talk to him about getting a job or exercising or anything that would make him feel better. I think he needs antidepressants, but he says he's not depressed.

Have any parents been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it? Did you give your adult ASD child an ultimatum? Did it work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Coffee chats and informationals zooms or calls are. You can’t just dump your resume and not follow up directly. Even if you are cal tech or MIT.

I know all this. I've patiently explained this to him. DH has patiently explained this to him. He won't listen to us. All he does is send out his resume, wait for the call (it always comes) and do a zoom interview, then there's no job offer.

I think an interviewing coach is a great idea, but where would I find one? And I think he should pay for it, but that's not likely to happen. And how to get him to see someone like that?

He said to me when I was gently nudging him toward picking up the phone to call a recruiter that he was "tired of me lecturing" him. That really broke me.

Anonymous wrote:Can you get him back in academia? I’ve seen that be a safe space for hfa.

Yes, this is what I thought. I was so happy when he got accepted to a very competitive and prestigious program. But, while he could handle the academics well, he was mystified by the politics, and when the pandemic hit, just decided it was too much for him, and quit! It was insane, IMHO, but he wouldn't listen to a word I said to him.

He says he'll get a PhD later, but from a less prestigious (maybe less stressful?) program.

He's not exercising, which was a huge factor in keeping his ASD in check. He doesn't eat well either, another problem, as he has allergies to certain foods. But he eats them anyway.

He was functioning really well when he arrived at grad school, but has been slowly declining since then.

He doesn't talk to DH and me much at all. He's not surly, just silent. I'm not mad at him, I'm just sad as can be. I see so much potential in him that's going nowhere. And I can't do anything about it, at least not that I can see, if he won't listen to me. I guess I have to wait until he hits bottom?

BTW, we are not supporting him. Any money he spends from his savings, which are dwindling. We've told him we'll feed and house him, but that's it. No phone, no car, nothing else. I guess he'll go on public assistance if he doesn't get a job soon? He has no assets, nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

I’m not op, and I don’t have an adult HFA kid, but I know enough to know that you are appalling.

Where did op describe rudeness? Please do quote, because I’m very curious to know how struggles turn into rudeness.

I disagree. I know the type in denial their symptoms and diagnoses and pain they cause others. They never developed positive coping mechanisms and self developed very negative ones instead. This is too bad, because he will present narcissistic to people close to him at work or home. The attitude that he can do no wrong, will not go over well.

Anonymous wrote:Is he on LinkedIn? He really should be there networking and looking for jobs. It takes time, but he will find a job. Cover letters are not needed for tech jobs.

Coffee chats and informationals zooms or calls are. You can’t just dump your resume and not follow up directly. Even if you are cal tech or MIT.

Would he every watch Atypical on Netflix and see any parallels?

I think requiring him to get a job of any type and make some contribution to the household is a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the MS in? What type of job is he seeking? Has he applied for any Federal jobs?

Not sure if I can comment since I don't have a kid with ASD but an ASD spouse. Second the idea for a fed job. Promotions are fairly rote and not based primarily on soft skills/ socialization

If your DS is open to it, you can do what my MIL did and get very active in his romantic life and marry him off

Sounds familiar, unless we have the same Mil or aunts…

Can you get him back in academia? I’ve seen that be a safe space for hfa.

OP - You are in an unenviable position because you adult son due in part to his disability will find any positive suggestion very hard to hear and he may tune you out on ultimatums. It is also not the same as a teen saying we will limit your video game time or take away your computer. I would suggest that you and your husband find a professional counselor for yourselves who might be able to help you develop a specific strategy of compliance that will help move your son forward in life. You both need to be on the same page and supporting one another in this difficult time.


Is there any chance that his college's career center can steer him to online job openings in his area of interest?

I checked the federal job site and there seemed to be thousands of different openings so is there a way for you or DH to find a job search counselor or service who might help you weed through the listings and narrow down ones that might be of interest to your DS?

https://workology.com/companies-hiring-adults-with-autism/

http://www.myspectrumsuite.com/employmentresource/

Without his cooperation, you are really in a bind. You say he does simple things at home, well maybe it is time to give him real jobs like doing the mowing, washing the cars etc. for living there. I would assume he already does his own laundry and has to clean his room/bath.
If you are providing any source of income, that should stop now and be used a bargaining chip to start to get him to do something. Personally, I think seeing a therapist he might relate to would be a needed first step or if you want a nicer term a "life coach or a career coach."

Anonymous wrote:He may be socially immature but he also sounds arrogant and rude to you, frankly. How about he having to have an interview skills etc coach and join a gym or whatever in s gangs for you NOT charging rent. He needs to know that his high aIQ doesn’t make up for his almost willful lack of EQ.

I’m not op, and I don’t have an adult HFA kid, but I know enough to know that you are appalling.

Where did op describe rudeness? Please do quote, because I’m very curious to know how struggles turn into rudeness.

Can you use the rent/free housing as leverage for him to work in earnest with the coach. This might work for my rigid kid: free rent for every month he works with the coach. It's an even trade (which of course benefits him but where all ultimately get what they want).

Don’t have an adult child so feel free to discard this but:

1. I’m a Fed and it really might be the move. Promotions are basically based on tenure. And it’s kind of hard to get fired after probationary period. Also even having a relevant graduate degree in a relevant field can count for some level of work experience.

2. Second the idea of a mature startup. My sister works in tech and they are a lot more accepting of neurodiverse individuals. She has SPD and a vocal tic and it’s been a total non factor (and she’s one of the more “normal” people at her company). Plus a lot of people on the spectrum like to work from home and startups can be more amenable to that.