Sorry you went through with this. I had a similar experience but I also understand no one goes through life unscathed.

Also, we are still married, my affair wasn't discovered, but I promise you this: even if you didn't affair, let alone get caught, no guarantee you would be happily ever after with your DH. Few couples are super content but many are at least together so they don't have to deal with the pain that is divorce.

Good luck to you.

So really your experience was not similar at all, you are just (still) self-absorbed and wanted to talk about yourself. OP’s marriage ended due to her affair, and her kids family life was blown up, their childhoods completely altered. OP was forced to srlf-reflect and face the new reality that her actions created. You faced no consequences and have apparently done no work to fix whatever it was that allowed you to betray your family, and still look to rationalize why having affairs is an ok choice.

This OP. Glad to see my post resonated with some of you as either a betrayed spouse or someone who had an affair. No way around it, this misfired passion of adultery is the dark heart of love and marriage.

I agree with those posted that I am a flawed, if not simply a bad person, for having the affair that ultimately led to the end of my marriage. Yes, this is true, no bones about it. I regret it constantly, daily, always.

The point of my post was to offer a word of advice to those of you who are struggling at home, in your marriages, with children. I also struggled with the things I see written about here- does he have Aspergers, why is he a messy farting jerk, why does he ignore me to watch baseball, why do I do all of the "emotional labor" etc etc. All of this can aggregate into resentment, and then when someone else warmly appreciates you, it's almost impossible to resist. But you should resist.

I also wanted to point of how beautifully (if not slightly exaggerated...) the actress Jessica Chastain portrayed her character Mira's very particular agony when she realized the depth of what she'd done, and the consequences. She loved her family and yet she behaved in a way that caused the implosion of her beloved family. Unlike in the show, my spouse and I did not reform any kind of relationship outside of the required communication about our kids.

Thanks to the poster who mentioned seeing oneself in art! True.

Anonymous wrote:Meaning I temporarily lost my mind when I fell in love with another man, while married with two very young children. Subsequently, I lost my family due to divorce, alternating custody schedules, and ongoing trauma due to constantly having to interface with one another after what I did to him, and to us, and to our kids. The most painful part of this gripping Ingmar Bergmann-inspired series is when Mira says "I want what I used to have." Of course, she does. And she cannot ever have it, again.

Word to the wise, you very busy, hardworking, frustrated, irritated-with-your spouse, fighting over shores, lusty 30/40/50 somethings with families: if you go down this path, everything that truly matters to you will become shattered in such a way that it cannot ever be repaired. It can be swept up in a dustpan, along with the dog fur and dirt from outside, and somewhat reconfigured. The harmful aftermath of allowing yourself the indulgence of passionate sex, feeling appreciated, and the joyful insanity of falling in love is irreparable.

This series really hit home in an extremely uncomfortable way, for me. Anyone else catch it? What did you think of the ending?

Mira, but with MUCH less glam clothing

Yes that happens when cheating in a marriage. You lose your mind with the attention, endorphins, emotional connection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

Sounds like you didn't let it go.

I'm the quoted PP and I agree. PP didn't let it go. PP is stewing in resentment and anger. Exactly what I didn't want to do, and why I ACTUALLY stopped engaging in the same cycles. DH is actually a kind, loving spouse and kind, loving father to our kids. I think structural misogyny probably seeped in, along with a healthy scoop of ADHD, but I would rather have my marriage than not have it, and accepting that, I want the best and happiest marriage I can get.

So what's his role in the household? Any examples of what he actually does with the household?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

Sounds like you didn't let it go.

How so? I don't ACCEPT my Do Nothing spouse's role, but I no longer EXPECT anything from them. Thus I'm detached and not constantly disappointed or let down. I'm happy. THey probably think everything is normal and great - despite the fact that they don't talk with use, relate to use or know WTF is ever going on.

Sure I'd be happy with a functional spouse, parent, homeowner around and someone to talk with on a variety of things, but I now get that from my friends and family and due to the children I am stuck in this arrangement (due to having had children). I've already mourned and grieved my lack of a spouse/parent of the children, but I don't spend energy on it any longer. Is that not "letting go"

Divorcing and coparenting with them would be the same or worse, especially for the children. for them it could be downright dangerous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

I had a similar epiphany with my wife, her negativity and lack of sexual desire. I just lived my life without her and it's easier in the short term but in the long term it kills the marriage. We are 4 years from youngest leaving for college and I can't imagine we will stay together then. We have no connection left.

the PPP here, when I said ZERO expectations that's because it also matches the ZERO involvement I get from my spouse regarding the house, yard, children, vacations, schools, sports, conversations, emergencies, etc. Thus we all live our lives without them. And I work fulltime out of the office as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meaning I temporarily lost my mind when I fell in love with another man, while married with two very young children. Subsequently, I lost my family due to divorce, alternating custody schedules, and ongoing trauma due to constantly having to interface with one another after what I did to him, and to us, and to our kids. The most painful part of this gripping Ingmar Bergmann-inspired series is when Mira says "I want what I used to have." Of course, she does. And she cannot ever have it, again.

Word to the wise, you very busy, hardworking, frustrated, irritated-with-your spouse, fighting over shores, lusty 30/40/50 somethings with families: if you go down this path, everything that truly matters to you will become shattered in such a way that it cannot ever be repaired. It can be swept up in a dustpan, along with the dog fur and dirt from outside, and somewhat reconfigured. The harmful aftermath of allowing yourself the indulgence of passionate sex, feeling appreciated, and the joyful insanity of falling in love is irreparable.

This series really hit home in an extremely uncomfortable way, for me. Anyone else catch it? What did you think of the ending?

Mira, but with MUCH less glam clothing

Sorry you went through with this. I had a similar experience but I also understand no one goes through life unscathed.

Also, we are still married, my affair wasn't discovered, but I promise you this: even if you didn't affair, let alone get caught, no guarantee you would be happily ever after with your DH. Few couples are super content but many are at least together so they don't have to deal with the pain that is divorce.

Good luck to you.

Your marriage never will get better because you are keeping a huge betrayal like that. You cannot have that trust and intimacy and be emotionally vulnerable carrying that huge betrayal secret for the rest of your marriage. There is likely a reason your marriage is not good. You turned away instead of turning in and all of that emotional investment and sweet nothings and time spent with AP could have been directed at your spouse instead, and you could have done the work. You took a coward's way instead and you still live with contempt. It spills out of your post. Many, many marriages are super content. And the people in them don't waste one another's time lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

Sounds like you didn't let it go.

I'm the quoted PP and I agree. PP didn't let it go. PP is stewing in resentment and anger. Exactly what I didn't want to do, and why I ACTUALLY stopped engaging in the same cycles. DH is actually a kind, loving spouse and kind, loving father to our kids. I think structural misogyny probably seeped in, along with a healthy scoop of ADHD, but I would rather have my marriage than not have it, and accepting that, I want the best and happiest marriage I can get.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

Sounds like you didn't let it go.

Anonymous wrote:Meaning I temporarily lost my mind when I fell in love with another man, while married with two very young children. Subsequently, I lost my family due to divorce, alternating custody schedules, and ongoing trauma due to constantly having to interface with one another after what I did to him, and to us, and to our kids. The most painful part of this gripping Ingmar Bergmann-inspired series is when Mira says "I want what I used to have." Of course, she does. And she cannot ever have it, again.

Word to the wise, you very busy, hardworking, frustrated, irritated-with-your spouse, fighting over shores, lusty 30/40/50 somethings with families: if you go down this path, everything that truly matters to you will become shattered in such a way that it cannot ever be repaired. It can be swept up in a dustpan, along with the dog fur and dirt from outside, and somewhat reconfigured. The harmful aftermath of allowing yourself the indulgence of passionate sex, feeling appreciated, and the joyful insanity of falling in love is irreparable.

This series really hit home in an extremely uncomfortable way, for me. Anyone else catch it? What did you think of the ending?

Mira, but with MUCH less glam clothing

Sorry you went through with this. I had a similar experience but I also understand no one goes through life unscathed.

Also, we are still married, my affair wasn't discovered, but I promise you this: even if you didn't affair, let alone get caught, no guarantee you would be happily ever after with your DH. Few couples are super content but many are at least together so they don't have to deal with the pain that is divorce.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

I had a similar epiphany with my wife, her negativity and lack of sexual desire. I just lived my life without her and it's easier in the short term but in the long term it kills the marriage. We are 4 years from youngest leaving for college and I can't imagine we will stay together then. We have no connection left.

Well actually I do know. Will file for divorce and travel for 6 months.

Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.

I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.

Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.

Anonymous wrote:Meaning I temporarily lost my mind when I fell in love with another man, while married with two very young children. Subsequently, I lost my family due to divorce, alternating custody schedules, and ongoing trauma due to constantly having to interface with one another after what I did to him, and to us, and to our kids. The most painful part of this gripping Ingmar Bergmann-inspired series is when Mira says "I want what I used to have." Of course, she does. And she cannot ever have it, again.

Word to the wise, you very busy, hardworking, frustrated, irritated-with-your spouse, fighting over shores, lusty 30/40/50 somethings with families: if you go down this path, everything that truly matters to you will become shattered in such a way that it cannot ever be repaired. It can be swept up in a dustpan, along with the dog fur and dirt from outside, and somewhat reconfigured. The harmful aftermath of allowing yourself the indulgence of passionate sex, feeling appreciated, and the joyful insanity of falling in love is irreparable.

This series really hit home in an extremely uncomfortable way, for me. Anyone else catch it? What did you think of the ending?

Mira, but with MUCH less glam clothing

So this is an HBO mini series about adultery and the aftermath? Does it go back enough to see what the build up to the adultery was?

Curious as have a spouse with an invisible disability this we have an open marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for sharing!

I was Nicole from Marriage Story. When Charlie said to her, “You chose this life! You wanted it until you didn’t. And then you blamed me for it!” It was like everything in my life snapped into place.

I hadn’t been communicating and instead had been blaming my husband for everything I hated about my life. I knew who I had married and I had happily gone along with it, encouraging him and his career, until I decided one day that I was unhappy and done doing that. It wasn’t fair to him at all when I had been supporting him. I iced my husband out, too. Blamed him foe everything, yet refused to communicate with him in a proper way what I wanted to change. I just assumed he should know. But my actions hadn’t supported that, so how would he have known I was unhappy if I wasn’t telling him?

That movie changed my view on life.

Oh brother. You’re conflating: Be your own happiness with marrying someone who said he wanted a family and children to raise, but had unrealistic expectations what that entails, and became a work addict instead. Much easier for home.