Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular post. I am not trying to be incendiary. But this has been burning my curiosity for a while, so here we go -- I truly want to understand.

I have a couple of friends who cannot seem to go out at night. They want to get together and text often and try to make plans during the day if they're working at home and kids are at daycare. But they cannot get out at night because it means leaving their kids home with their husband during dinner and bath.

I am genuinely curious: Why can't you leave your kids at home? Can't your spouse feed them and bathe them? What happens between the hours of 6-10 that is sacred? Why won't you give yourself a break? It is straining a few friendships with women who seem tethered to a routine that stifles them. Why?

Maybe they don’t consider going out with you in the evening “a break”. Maybe they don’t consider their routines to be “stifling “. I’m genuinely curious: Why, if you have friends who can make plans during the day, you’re so insistent on having them make plans in the evening? 6-10 is often the only time that the entire family can spend time together awake. For some that is pretty precious— and a priority over spending time with friends who could be flexible but apparently choose not to.

Have you ever offered to do kid-friendly activities? If not, then maybe ask yourself why you’re comfortable straining friendships — insisting that your friends with family responsibilities conform to the demands and schedules of the friends who lack such responsibilities.

I nursed my kids to sleep until they were 2+ and it was hard to leave them at bedtime, especially when the 2nd and 3rd were born. I did occasionally leave the kids as babies, but very rarely, like once every 2 months. It was stressful for me, pumping to make sure I had enough milk, then being stressed all evening, wondering if the baby was crying for me, then pumping again when I got home, and then I’d be super tired the next day since I was up later and the baby wasn’t sleeping thru the night. It was hard when my husband would miss bedtime too - crying baby, toddler running wild etc. Maybe you had kids who took bottles, or went to bed easily, but is it really hard to understand that that isn’t everyone’s reality?? My kids are older now and I just got back from a week away. It’s a totally different ball game now that I’m out of the baby/toddler stage, but man, those days were rough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

I get that -- but once every few weeks?

I’m not sure how old your friends’ kids are. Of course it got easier as my kids got older. This is the infant & toddlers board, and yes, it was hard for me then. If they work and then are gone 6-10 they’re giving up most of their time with their child that day.

This. I do take a few hours to myself on the weekend, but I don’t like missing evenings during the week unless I really need to. I’m not trying to be a martyr but to be honest I like hanging out with my toddler and hearing about her day more than going to happy hour.

I guess I’m confused. Who says it has to be happy hour? I haven’t been to happy hour since before my kids were born. My friends and I go out to dinner at like 7:30 which is close to when the kids are going to bed anyway. I don’t really miss much time with my kids in that scenario. Why is it dinner at 6 or nothing?

OP I have never really understood it either. I go out to dinner with mom friends a couple times a month. Some of us get there on time because we can just have our husbands do dinner and/or bedtime. Others either get there really late or flake out because they either can’t or don’t want to leave before their kids are down and some of their kids take forever to go to bed. I can’t imagine not being able to trust my husband to handle it himself. But my perspective comes from the fact that he travels for work a lot and I have had to handle it myself plenty of times including when the kids were very young. There was no choice. I don’t ever have to travel for work so I feel like it evens out if I get to go out sometimes and let him handle the chaos. It’s getting easier now that our oldest is elementary age and our youngest is a preschooler. But I still went out even when they were a baby and a preschooler (once past the newborn frequently nursing stage). I would usually get the baby down myself and let him handle the preschooler. Now I don’t think it’s a big ask to get both to bed. A couple times a month is not a lot and certainly way fewer nights than my husband is away for work.

I think some husbands get bent out of shape about their wives leaving the house at that time of night and it’s not worth it to the wife to fight about it. For one friend in particular I get a controlling vibe from her husband. I think husbands who don’t have social lives of their own get jealous when their wife wants fo go meet friends and that comes out as him acting like the wife is being neglectful fo want to leave at that time. Others may just be totally inept. Either way I don’t buy the idea that every mom who can’t seem to get out at night is staying home because they just can’t bear to be away from their kids. We’re not talking about doing it every week. I can’t imagine feeling like I needed permission to go out. I always run it by my husband to make sure it’s a night he will be around. But he knows better than to give me a hard time about it when he’s out at fancy steakhouse dinners with customers while I hold down the fort at home multiple nights in a row several times per month.

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably a big hassle. Also, many husbands are bad and not real partners in parenting.

Dinner bath, bed and cleaning up is crazy time at my house. I could leave my husband to do it all though. I seldom do because it’s easier and there are less tears if we follow our normal schedule, it’s dedicated time with my kids, I have to do prep work to set things up for DH if I do go out, and I’m tired after a long day of working/parenting. If I get away for the evening, I usually want to do something with DH like a date night. I go out with friends at night a few times a year and did 1 girls weekend a year pre-pandemic. That’s about it. I prefer brunch.

Set things up how?

It’s probably a big hassle. Also, many husbands are bad and not real partners in parenting.

Dinner bath, bed and cleaning up is crazy time at my house. I could leave my husband to do it all though. I seldom do because it’s easier and there are less tears if we follow our normal schedule, it’s dedicated time with my kids, I have to do prep work to set things up for DH if I do go out, and I’m tired after a long day of working/parenting. If I get away for the evening, I usually want to do something with DH like a date night. I go out with friends at night a few times a year and did 1 girls weekend a year pre-pandemic. That’s about it. I prefer brunch.

I agree with some of the posters that I would rather spend the time with my family. Evenings are the quality time.i get with my kids most days and I'm not going to give that up unless it's for a very close friend. And honestly all those friends would come over and hang with all of us before we went out separately. My local close friends don't have kids of their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

I get that -- but once every few weeks?

I’m not sure how old your friends’ kids are. Of course it got easier as my kids got older. This is the infant & toddlers board, and yes, it was hard for me then. If they work and then are gone 6-10 they’re giving up most of their time with their child that day.

This. I do take a few hours to myself on the weekend, but I don’t like missing evenings during the week unless I really need to. I’m not trying to be a martyr but to be honest I like hanging out with my toddler and hearing about her day more than going to happy hour.

They are saying they “can’t” but what they really mean is they don’t want to. Going out in the evening takes longer, involves drinks, more of a production than a quick lunch so they prefer lunch.

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

+1 When other priorities in your life restrict you from your time with your child the last thing you want to do is go out.

I’m too tired from working and parenting small kids. Lunch is much more doable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They just don’t want to for whatever reason. Why do you need those hours vs the daytime hours offered?

Because daytime hours are work hours for most people.

But can OP do it? She says the friends are stifled, not that she can’t do something then.

I have a friend who hasn't liked to go out in the evening for years, even when we were young and single. She's a morning person, introvert, and homebody. It's fine, we text all the time and meet up on weekends (with kids for play dates or for coffee or brunch without the kids).

Not everyone likes to go out in the evening. I do occasionally but honestly I don't have the energy to go out regularly during the week. My husband is very hands on and competent, but by the end of the day we are both tired.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my kids don’t really like their father, he barely interacts with them. They would absolutely melt down if I left them alone with him in the evening.

I am so sorry. That seems horrid.

No, that seems cruel. I lived with a father like that. Don't do that to your children.

A lot of people nurse their kids to bed and the baby won’t go down otherwise.

And yeah, a LOT of men not pulling their own weight.