Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

It sounds like your frustration isn’t new. Why on Earth did you buy a house?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

By your own admission, you gave him an ultimatum, and he got “a real job” that met your expectations at the time. Now you resent the “real job” and want him to change again to meet your needs and expectations. You’ve forced him to become what you needed him to become — and now you’re resentful. I wonder if he’s resentful? If he’s happy? If your kids are? If you even care? If you bothered at any point to see if what you mean by “moving forward” was, in any way, what he wanted too? (NP)

I should explain that he was an insanely low paid part-time contractor in the same field, making $12k after getting a masters. This was the career path that he always wanted, and I wasn’t going to tell him he should go into finance or sales. This is the path he worked towards with his education, but he graduated at the height of the Great Recession, looked for a job for a year, finally got an offer, and he took it because there were no other offers on the table. He said “it’s a miserable place and I have a 1 year contract, I’ll start looking for something else in 9 months.” He’s in the same place 10 years later. And he’s more than welcome to stay in one of these passions jobs, but he has to have a life outside of work, because I can’t do it all. He only gets two weeks of PTO per year after 10 years, so all the other things that have to get done outside of work also fall on me, AND we never take vacations because he doesn’t have the time.

And yes, I care. I care because of my kids. Nearly every single day they’re ask me why daddy isn’t home for dinner. Why can’t they see daddy? If it was just me and him alone, I would hang out with the dog, go out with friends, he could work long hours at his miserable job, and I wouldn’t be worried about kids spending quality time with their dad. I wouldn’t have to move for more space, we would be more than comfortable where we are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

By your own admission, you gave him an ultimatum, and he got “a real job” that met your expectations at the time. Now you resent the “real job” and want him to change again to meet your needs and expectations. You’ve forced him to become what you needed him to become — and now you’re resentful. I wonder if he’s resentful? If he’s happy? If your kids are? If you even care? If you bothered at any point to see if what you mean by “moving forward” was, in any way, what he wanted too? (NP)

I was in the same situation. DH had his own business and workede insane hours even on weekends, did earn 50k. But I didn't feel those resentments. He worked for his passion and I accepted my income supports our family and I was also the main caregiver. It gets better when the kids get older. I'm not very focused on money and as long als we survived it was ok for me. My only advise: don't compare with others or just compare with the huge majority of peple in the world with less money or no job at all.

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

Anonymous wrote:65k with a masters? jfc. In the 90s I was starting new tech hires at that salary at a fed agency. I knew people 20 years ago who made that kind of money but worked easy 9-5 jobs. I would consider divorce if he wouldnt quit.

Him quitting outright puts us in a worse position. I need him to find something new. I wouldn’t even care so much about the money if he was just home for dinner. He could find a job making exactly what he makes now, but if he was able to leave at 5, I wouldn’t even care.

It’s the combination of the pay and the hours that drives me insane.

It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

65k with a masters? jfc. In the 90s I was starting new tech hires at that salary at a fed agency. I knew people 20 years ago who made that kind of money but worked easy 9-5 jobs. I would consider divorce if he wouldnt quit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1 you know this isn’t right but your Fairy Godmother ain’t comin. Make change happen.

I have cajoled. I have begged. I have yelled. I have sent job postings. I have tried to make connections. I have done everything I possibly can. I don’t know what else I can think of. The one thing I can’t do is go through the whole application and interview process for him.

If I take a different job in my field I would almost certainly be taking a pay cut, so making a change for me doesn’t necessarily make sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

Good for you that your spouse has an even worse job. I hope it pays more. If his job paid more I wouldn’t be so angry because at least it would be worth it.

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1 you know this isn’t right but your Fairy Godmother ain’t comin. Make change happen.