Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:58     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of friends. I think the emphasis on their personal qualities (kind, empathetic, nice) has little to do with how you make friends. The key thing for me, honestly, is availability. Do they have time to do things I like to do when I can do them? "True friendship" builds later.

My advice is just to pick someone you see in some context in your life who seems intriguing and offer to do something with them: like, take an art class, go for a walk, go get coffee, go running, show them the new coffee shop in town, whatever. You make friends by getting to know people a little better than you do know. If it goes well, then you do it again.


I think the personal qualities are a good criteria for weeding out people who are more likely to bring drama into your life. Like if I catch someone in a small lie over something stupid, I figure they will lie about big things too and aren't good friend material.

In my experience there are plenty of lovely people out there wanting friends just as much as you do. Being a little selective in the beginning can save you headaches later on . . . we all only have so much room for intimate relationships in our lives.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:58     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of friends. I think the emphasis on their personal qualities (kind, empathetic, nice) has little to do with how you make friends. The key thing for me, honestly, is availability. Do they have time to do things I like to do when I can do them? "True friendship" builds later.

My advice is just to pick someone you see in some context in your life who seems intriguing and offer to do something with them: like, take an art class, go for a walk, go get coffee, go running, show them the new coffee shop in town, whatever. You make friends by getting to know people a little better than you do know. If it goes well, then you do it again.


This is a good point. If we have some sort of connection either through hobbies or our kids get along, I like you enough to hang out for a couple hours, and you're available and reciprocate, then I'll give it a shot. Not everything leads to BFF but if enough is there then it can build.

Also keep in mind that many friendships are the result of some element of convenience and can change when things change, like if someone moves.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:51     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
It's a variety of things. One is just instinct . . . do I get a good "vibe" about them?

I'd like my friends to be the kind of people I aspire to be. So my friends stay informed, volunteer their time, work on self-improvement, etc. It's natural to befriend someone at your same stage of life, but I've also made great friends who were older or younger through work or church or being neighbors.

As for making friends, you need a hook . . . a reason to keep seeing one another in the early stages when your relationship is more tentative. That could be a shared hobby, belonging to the same organization, working with each other, having significant others who are friends, your kids are friends, etc. After spending some time through our hook, then I'd casually mention an opportunity to be together like "Hey, I've enjoyed our conversations, would you like to grab coffee some time next week?" Or "I know you've been looking for a book club. I've been thinking about starting one. Do you want to start one together?" At this stage, keep an open mind and don't get too invested. If the other person isn't vibing with you, then maybe they'll make an excuse why they're too busy right now. At that point I'd back off, though maybe look out for cues that it wasn't an excuse. If they say, "Oh, I'm sorry I was too busy for the book club a few months back. Are you still thinking of making one?" then jump back in.

Friendships are a two way street. Just because you're interested doesn't mean the other person has the time or inclination to make a new friend at the moment. Don't take it personally and keep an open mind . . . you might not have noticed a person who's been pursuing YOU! Just throw some darts . . . some of them will stick.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:28     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I think this is hard. It is like dating, someone can be perfectly fine and you not want to date them.

There is a vibe element. I need to just vibe, think the same things are funny, have the conversation be easy. If it is forced or long silences then just probably too much work.

Then after you establish if there is 'vibe' you need to see each other often enough for the vibe to become something more. To be the kind of people who reach out to tell each other stuff.

I will say one of the only people who I have become friends with recently post kids made it a point to establish a texting relationship (AFTER establishing a vibe). So we started talking a lot. And regular interaction is I think the real secret sauce.


Well said! It's definitely a vibe thing!
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:26     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
I put out a LOT of leads and see who bites. and i'm actually an introvert and hate making small talk at parties and never randomly talk to people in line....but at places like a playground if there's the slightest opening i'll chat up someone with kids a similar age. if we end up talking a lot then i'll ask them if they want to exchange numbers for a playdate, or at least keep an eye out for them again to do that the next time.

once i have their number i'll invite them very casually to a couple kid things "larla and i are headed to xyz park at 3 in case you and larlo want to join". if they decline a couple times and never do similar back, i stop texting them. if they join or invite us other times, then of course we talk more and see if there seems to be an actual connection between us. some people there's not and that's ok...if there is then i usually invite them to a more planned type of kid activity (come to our house, go to this kids outdoor concert / picnic together...whatever) or just text to see if they want to get dinner also in a lowkey way (eg "dh is taking this kids this thurs night and i don't have plans yet. any chance you're free for dinner?")

now that i'm typing this, i'm realizing i almost always ask them to something specific, whether we are going to playground this afternoon or i'm free for dinner thurs....even if they can't make it then, how they respond is helpful for knowing if they're interested in being friends
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:26     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Smart, chatty, fun and not afraid to be open and vulnerable. I’m tired of female friends who wear masks and keep their feelings or experiences private.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 16:21     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I like people who are kind but not too "nice" (polite for its own sake).

I am put off by people who assume a high level of closeness/intimacy early in the relationship. Like a red flag for me is people who start acting like they know everything about my life really early on, who are like "oh yeah, that's so like your brother" when they've never met him and I've only spoken about him once or twice. Partly I think this is just fake but I've also been burned by people like this a couple times and have learned that it's often a sign of other stuff going on. Boundaries are good.

I like people who are passionate about stuff. Like they have a hobby the love talking about or they are really into their kids or they enjoy their job or they love travel or something. It's nice to hear people talk about something in a positive way, something they love, something they aren't embarrassed to obsess over a bit. People can be so cynical and negative. I think people think this comes off as cultured and smart, but to me it's just a bummer. I don't want to just listen to people tell me why they hate some TV show or why Trump is bad or whatever. I want them to wax rhapsodic over their favorite book or piece of music or the way their toddler mispronounces words or their annual lake trip with their family. Something great.

And finally, I like people who treat me well, who seem interested in me, who are not competitive for its own sake (this drives me nuts), who listen, who remember when I told them stuff, and who don't argue with me about every little thing. I want to be around people who make me feel good about myself and I think most other people want this too.

Also, I can't stand gossips. Boring and dangerous.

I make friends by talking to people and trying to be receptive when people talk to me, by giving people the benefit of the doubt when I can. But I make a new friend like once every 5 years. It feels right to me. I'd rather have a handful of solid, good friends than a billion people in my contacts list.


Why?
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 15:58     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Above all else, ready to laugh
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 15:56     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
I think this is hard. It is like dating, someone can be perfectly fine and you not want to date them.

There is a vibe element. I need to just vibe, think the same things are funny, have the conversation be easy. If it is forced or long silences then just probably too much work.

Then after you establish if there is 'vibe' you need to see each other often enough for the vibe to become something more. To be the kind of people who reach out to tell each other stuff.

I will say one of the only people who I have become friends with recently post kids made it a point to establish a texting relationship (AFTER establishing a vibe). So we started talking a lot. And regular interaction is I think the real secret sauce.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2022 15:24     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I think reliability, empathy, generosity and the capacity to have real, deeper conversations go a long way in friendship.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:19     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of friends. I think the emphasis on their personal qualities (kind, empathetic, nice) has little to do with how you make friends. The key thing for me, honestly, is availability. Do they have time to do things I like to do when I can do them? "True friendship" builds later.

My advice is just to pick someone you see in some context in your life who seems intriguing and offer to do something with them: like, take an art class, go for a walk, go get coffee, go running, show them the new coffee shop in town, whatever. You make friends by getting to know people a little better than you do know. If it goes well, then you do it again.


To follow up on this, I find exercise (if you like exercise) works really well because a lot of women are trying to squeeze it in to a packed schedule, and even if the friendship doesn't take off you get exercise. So for example, I have a really good friend where the friendship developed as a way of walking early on Saturday mornings. We hardly knew each other when we started--we met at a school function and it just took off once we were seeing each other weekly. When another acquaintance mentioned wanting to try a barre class but felt intimidated, I said I'd try it too. That sort of thing. Meeting up for a one-time exercise class is low-stakes and more fun than going alone and sometimes leads to something.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:16     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
I want to be friends with people that I feel comfortable with, that are easy to talk to and I find them interesting and/or funny. People with who it's easy to converse with for whatever reason.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:10     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
I have a lot of friends. I think the emphasis on their personal qualities (kind, empathetic, nice) has little to do with how you make friends. The key thing for me, honestly, is availability. Do they have time to do things I like to do when I can do them? "True friendship" builds later.

My advice is just to pick someone you see in some context in your life who seems intriguing and offer to do something with them: like, take an art class, go for a walk, go get coffee, go running, show them the new coffee shop in town, whatever. You make friends by getting to know people a little better than you do know. If it goes well, then you do it again.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:07     Subject: Re:What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:If they're funny, smart, don't talk too much or too little. If they are willing to go beyond small talk with me pretty quickly Also agree with the no drama thing. Too much talk about other people doing them wrong is a red flag.


1

If I hear someone say something like “SHE doesn’t like ANYONE” then the attention is drawn negatively to you, not the person you are gossiping about. The old gossip tactics show me you are the one stuck in high school. No thanks. Your awful reputation precedes you.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:04     Subject: What makes you want to be friends with someone? Or could you briefly explain how you make friends
Anonymous wrote:Parochial people who gossip about their neighbors and tell me the minutiae of their days are a total bore.

I much prefer a huge personality friend, someone who makes me laugh but doesn't drag in too much drama.


+1

Of you have a problem with the nice, cute neighbir who never said two words to you - the problem is you.