Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 13:54     Subject: Re:“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:It’s just rude your parents said that


OP here and yes, I completely agree. It’s a very sore subject, our child’s behavior. He’s 6 and very poorly behaved. But do they have to tell us? Probably. Probably not? I dunno.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 13:00     Subject: Re:“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
It’s just rude your parents said that
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:58     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
It's true that kids act out more with those they feel safest around. But you also cannot excuse it when they behave poorly toward you. My kids are 7 and 4. They generally behave better with their teachers and nanny, but the acting out around DH and I is usually more whininess and taking longer to comply to a request. We do not tolerate hitting, physical roughness, using bad language, etc. That's what boundaries are for.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:33     Subject: Re:“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Both our kids, 1 and 3, do the same with nanny. She is firm but not strict but even the little 12 month old is more compliant and with nanny than DH or me. Nanny says it’s a safety thing that she’s seen in every family she’s worked for. As nanny explains it, she comes and goes while DH and I are the “sure thing” and the kids know it.

Don’t let your parents tell you you’re doing something wrong.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:33     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.


Yep exact same thing happens to us.

Oh yes grandparents just think our parenting is ineffective..oh well.

Ehh. Keep telling yourself that. Grandparents usually have rose colored glasses on. OP even acknowledges her kid behaves poorly.
Not doing the child any favors to let it continue.


My mother will insist that we never did X and then explains how her perfect parenting decisions produced that result, even though I can remember doing X

This isn’t about your mother. The OP said her kid is poorly behaved!
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:29     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.


Yep exact same thing happens to us.

Oh yes grandparents just think our parenting is ineffective..oh well.

Ehh. Keep telling yourself that. Grandparents usually have rose colored glasses on. OP even acknowledges her kid behaves poorly.
Not doing the child any favors to let it continue.


My mother will insist that we never did X and then explains how her perfect parenting decisions produced that result, even though I can remember doing X
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:27     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:How old is your DC? The couple of moms that I’ve known who were so nice and not particularly firm with their kids didn’t have the best outcomes as they went I to teen years and beyond. Plus a lot of times other parents didn’t want to do play dates. You might benefit from reading a parenting book.

+1
Fix it early while it’s still fixable.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:26     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I started parenting thinking all the positive parenting was enough. “Feet on the floor” instead of “no jumping on the couch” and time ins instead of time outs, natural consequences, etc.

I think this works for a certain type of kid (ie generally easy going and compliant) and doesn’t work for the majority. We learned quickly that if we wanted our kids to behave at home and in school and in other peoples houses, we had to be more strict. They are great kids who get complimented on their manners AND they love us and love to spend time with us—no bond breaking or resentment. It sounds like you need a more firm approach.

+1
Here’s my experience. I have multiple kids who ended up 15 years apart. I was really strict and scheduled with the first 1-3. Loosened up with 4-5 and was far nicer, less strict and more positive/let some things go. I am back to being strict with #6. #4-5 are a constant battle with school deadlines and bad behavior, even now that they’re older. I wish I had been more firm. You can take being more comfortable with mom out of the equation. In a big fan ox 123 magic and being 100% consistent…not mean but firm and consistently so.


OP here can you explain what “strict” means for you?

Limited screen time, tolerated no back talk, made them eat meals at the table no wandering, returned once for bedtime procrastination calls versus 2-3 times with younger ones. Stuff like that. No negotiations. We got a little more lax with letting kids wander and eat food or snack a lot, bedtimes were more negotiable, just relaxed a lot. The older are far less whiny kids (sorry to be blunt) and just accept the rules and move on.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:22     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
How old is your DC? The couple of moms that I’ve known who were so nice and not particularly firm with their kids didn’t have the best outcomes as they went I to teen years and beyond. Plus a lot of times other parents didn’t want to do play dates. You might benefit from reading a parenting book.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:22     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:Children need someone with whom they are not afraid to be imperfect. You are lucky you are their most trusted loved one.

Trust and safety are all good. But so are age-appropriate boundaries. For children, setting the bar too low is insidious. OP is right to question whether she needs to re-draw some lines.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:18     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I started parenting thinking all the positive parenting was enough. “Feet on the floor” instead of “no jumping on the couch” and time ins instead of time outs, natural consequences, etc.

I think this works for a certain type of kid (ie generally easy going and compliant) and doesn’t work for the majority. We learned quickly that if we wanted our kids to behave at home and in school and in other peoples houses, we had to be more strict. They are great kids who get complimented on their manners AND they love us and love to spend time with us—no bond breaking or resentment. It sounds like you need a more firm approach.

+1
Here’s my experience. I have multiple kids who ended up 15 years apart. I was really strict and scheduled with the first 1-3. Loosened up with 4-5 and was far nicer, less strict and more positive/let some things go. I am back to being strict with #6. #4-5 are a constant battle with school deadlines and bad behavior, even now that they’re older. I wish I had been more firm. You can take being more comfortable with mom out of the equation. In a big fan ox 123 magic and being 100% consistent…not mean but firm and consistently so.


OP here can you explain what “strict” means for you?
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:15     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Your kid lets their guard down and pushes boundaries around their closest caregivers because they feel safe. A child acting like a robot is not normal.



Yep exact same thing happens to us.

Oh yes grandparents just think our parenting is ineffective..oh well.

Ehh. Keep telling yourself that. Grandparents usually have rose colored glasses on. OP even acknowledges her kid behaves poorly.
Not doing the child any favors to let it continue.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:14     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Anonymous wrote:We are visiting my parents now. We see them maybe once a month. They are quite strict, to the point that I don’t enjoy leaving my kids with them because it’s a lot of “stop that crying” kind of parenting.

Maybe that’s what my son needs though? I’ve left him alone with my parents a lot this trip to go do various things myself: hair, nails, visiting friends. Every time as soon as I come back to their house, my son starts throwing a fit or whining or talking back. My parents are adamant “he didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”… “We don’t put up with this stuff”…

Is it me? Am I too laid back?
They aren’t wrong. My son is very poorly behaved. But everything says but you shouldn’t parent the way to my parents did: “stop that right now”. We’ve definitely take a more “positive parenting” approach. Has that landed us with a brat?

Or, does he just act that way because he’s comfortable around me?


Ha this is the opposite with me and my parents. I'm the strict old-school one and they completely spoil DD (2) -- they give in the minute she starts squawking. We notice much more whining and less willingness to do things herself (like walk up the stairs vs. being carried) when they've visited.

I personally don't believe in the positive parenting stuff. I've gotten a lot of flak for that on this forum, though. However, I have tried to modulate my approach slightly and it has worked pretty well. The key for me is staying unemotional and calm. For example, rather than saying in a loud voice, "NO THROWING FOOD!" I calmly take away the food and say "no, you can't have this right now because you threw it." Keep it simple and consistent, limit the talking/lecturing but convey empathy and understanding, and there should be some progress.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:12     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
Children need someone with whom they are not afraid to be imperfect. You are lucky you are their most trusted loved one.
Anonymous
Post 09/30/2021 12:11     Subject: “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???
My kids are angels for OTHER people. They save their worst behavior for me. 100% of the time.

I am safe, I will love them anyhow, they know that. So they unravel when I'm there.

My mom actually jokes that's how she knows the kids adore her, when they give her a little sass back.