Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:25
Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The fact that you are now part of the picture doesn’t negate the fact that mom has a relationship with her son that far predates you and she shouldn’t be expected to just treat the two of you exactly the same, and every single text and interaction as a package the same now that you are married. There’s a big difference between actively excluding you and having a closer relationship/more frequent communications with the child she birthed, and the latter is completely normal. Do you make sure that every time you speak on the phone with or text your own mother that you also reach out to your in-laws?
Let me clarify. I think I worded my OP funny to where it sounded like I said I should be involved in every text call between my husband and his mom. My husband and his mom talk multiple times throughout the week and text as well and I most certainly do not expect to be involved in every single one.
I was referring to times like when we are both flying together that she will just text him to say have a safe flight instead of both of us when we are both flying out. Or when we are both visiting her she will just text her son and say it was great to see him instead of texting us both and saying hey son and DIL it was great to see you guys.
That makes it seems like she wasn't happy to see me or didn't care that I was there or not. If I signed my name on a bday or mother's day gift yes I do expect to be thanked as well.
If she is texting my husband or calling him just to say hi of course I don't expect to be included on that.
I don't know if you read any of my updates because I know not everyone has a chance to read all the updates but I am following the advice some posters gave of adding her to a group chat with my husband and I and reaching out to her when we are about to take off to see her and let her know we are about to fly out and we will let her know when we land safely and looking forward to seeing her.
Meh. My mom will text me to have a safe trip when the whole family is flying out. She loves my husband and gets along fine with him. She calls me to say thank you for a gift that we both gave her. Ditto for my MIL wrt me. I think you are making too much of this. Saying something to one spouse is usually the same as saying it to both of them.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:22
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Lucky!
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
Gosh, how terrible for you. Thoughts and prayers, pp.
What's with the unecessary snark?
Oops sorry I'm the OP. I thought you were quoting me for a sec. 😩
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:20
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Lucky!
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
Gosh, how terrible for you. Thoughts and prayers, pp.
What's with the unecessary snark?
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:17
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Lucky!
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
Gosh, how terrible for you. Thoughts and prayers, pp.
Oh get off it. I didn’t start a thread to complain about this, just offering some perspective an OP was seeking.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:15
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
OP I have been married for 36 years with my DH for over 40 years.
From day 1 my MIL did not want to talk to me or engage with me at all.
So 15 years into our marriage I said to DH "she's all yours" Well we haven't had a relationship with her since then.
Our lack of relationship is on her and only her.
From day 1 my MIL did not want to talk to me or engage with me at all.
So 15 years into our marriage I said to DH "she's all yours" Well we haven't had a relationship with her since then.
Our lack of relationship is on her and only her.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:14
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Lucky!
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
Gosh, how terrible for you. Thoughts and prayers, pp.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:13
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
I guess my MIL is extraordinary. She always includes me when wishing us a good time or asks about me regularly too.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:13
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Good for you that you are taking this advice/feedback, OP. Truly, good to hear that you told DH not to pursue this. I am impressed that someone on this forum actually listened to reason and put it in practice.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:10
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Lucky!
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
I would prefer not to be on text chains, etc. Instead, MIL bothers me for every little thing and thanks me for stuff my husband sends, etc. And yes, we do try to “train” her that her son is perfectly capable of family communication/logistics and should be her go-to person.
Anyway, as long as she is pleasant and cordial, leave it alone.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:07
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
OP, my DH and I have been married 25 years. My MIL will tell me “family” jokes as though I’ve never heard them or wasn't there for them (I was). And, no, she doesn't have dementia. Some people don’t know how to be human. I would say the text thing is not that bad but if it’s on top of stuff like I described, well, yeah, I get it.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 18:05
Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
I just spoke to my husband again and told him not to address it with his mother. He knows about this site and I told him I got non biased opinions and mostly everyone said this is pretty standard for an in law relationship and I don't want to chase trouble between him, his mother, and I.
Again I'm super glad and relieved to hear this is normal so that I know I'm not being slighted.
Again I'm super glad and relieved to hear this is normal so that I know I'm not being slighted.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 17:45
Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:The fact that you are now part of the picture doesn’t negate the fact that mom has a relationship with her son that far predates you and she shouldn’t be expected to just treat the two of you exactly the same, and every single text and interaction as a package the same now that you are married. There’s a big difference between actively excluding you and having a closer relationship/more frequent communications with the child she birthed, and the latter is completely normal. Do you make sure that every time you speak on the phone with or text your own mother that you also reach out to your in-laws?
Let me clarify. I think I worded my OP funny to where it sounded like I said I should be involved in every text call between my husband and his mom. My husband and his mom talk multiple times throughout the week and text as well and I most certainly do not expect to be involved in every single one.
I was referring to times like when we are both flying together that she will just text him to say have a safe flight instead of both of us when we are both flying out. Or when we are both visiting her she will just text her son and say it was great to see him instead of texting us both and saying hey son and DIL it was great to see you guys.
That makes it seems like she wasn't happy to see me or didn't care that I was there or not. If I signed my name on a bday or mother's day gift yes I do expect to be thanked as well.
If she is texting my husband or calling him just to say hi of course I don't expect to be included on that.
I don't know if you read any of my updates because I know not everyone has a chance to read all the updates but I am following the advice some posters gave of adding her to a group chat with my husband and I and reaching out to her when we are about to take off to see her and let her know we are about to fly out and we will let her know when we land safely and looking forward to seeing her.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 17:38
Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
These responses are making me feel better that this seems to be the normal interaction between most MILs/DILs. The suggestion of me creating a group chat between my husband, her, and me I really like.
The next time we fly up to visit I am going to start a group chat between my husband, me, and MIL and let her know we are excited to see her. Same thing for when we leave I'll let her know in the chat it was great to see her.
Hopefully that will prompt her to include me a little more. For me it's mostly that my presence isn't even acknowledged because in my mind I see it as I was there for the visit as well. Having other poster validate that this happens to them too and it's not a slight does help a lot.
To the poster who asked if I expect to be involved on every call with my husband and MIL. Of course not I never implied that to be the case either. I think there is a middle ground here between expecting to be on every call and expecting some acknowledgement of my presence in a gift I got someone and at a visit I was at.
The next time we fly up to visit I am going to start a group chat between my husband, me, and MIL and let her know we are excited to see her. Same thing for when we leave I'll let her know in the chat it was great to see her.
Hopefully that will prompt her to include me a little more. For me it's mostly that my presence isn't even acknowledged because in my mind I see it as I was there for the visit as well. Having other poster validate that this happens to them too and it's not a slight does help a lot.
To the poster who asked if I expect to be involved on every call with my husband and MIL. Of course not I never implied that to be the case either. I think there is a middle ground here between expecting to be on every call and expecting some acknowledgement of my presence in a gift I got someone and at a visit I was at.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 17:16
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
My parents LOVE my DH, but DH isn't on my family texts. Anything interesting I show him, anything that directly has to do with him they text him. It really isn't a slight.
Do you reach out to them directly or do you send most info through him? It works both ways.
Do you reach out to them directly or do you send most info through him? It works both ways.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 17:11
Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
What happens in person, OP? Do you all visit together and have a nice time? Does she talk to you, too? I think you worrying about the text thing is just looking for trouble - it’s truly a non-issue. It would be way worse if your DH never called her and she kept texting you to tell your husband to call her.