My useless DH dreams of having his mother move in with us. No effing way!! He thinks it would be great, but I know it would ruin us. We all owe our parents and unpayable debt, but that cannot be at the expense of our spouse and new family. So, yes, help your parents and come to some sort of arrangement, but nobody moves in and nobody breaks the current mortgage / lifestyle without something in writing to document the actual and the limits.

OP, when you say he doesn't have enough saved for retirement, how much do you mean?

I am dating someone who has about 250k in retirement and about 200k equity in his house and is fifty. He will also have decent SSN since he has been working all his life. No debt. Sometimes I worry this isn't enough but then I feel like maybe I am being shallow/materialistic? Currently he maxes out his 401k.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry but I must join the chorus here, the effects of your potential marriage on both children’s financial aid could be devastating. Both of your incomes could be imputed to both children! It sounds like his poor financial education started with his parents and at his age, will not be overcome. Once he sends $200 a month to his parents and perhaps takes out parent plus loans for his son, he may not be abl e to pay his half of the mortgage. I am sure that he is a wonderful man. I strongly advise against marriage. As you already live together, aside from getting each other’s social security at death, there is no upside as someone stated…only down…down…down.

PS, I don't think you can tell him not to support his parents. But you can insist that the mortgage etc be paid every month on time at your house.

I don't think we are talking $200 a month here - try a couple or few thousand to continue living in Manhattan. The fact that the other siblings think this is ok is an indication of a family very deep in denial.

This. A huge difference between $200 and what they will need. They didn't have good financial sense so he inherited that. He needs to say no and they need to move somewhere more affordable. Do not marry as you take his debt and it may hurt financial aid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He feels pressure to provide for his parents (who never hinted before when they were living the high life that funds were limited). I feel absolutely terrified that this man with not enough of his own retirement and not enough savings for his kid to go to college is going to end up ruining my life financially because he doesn't know how to say no to anybody (parents, adult kids, even ex wife).

This should be the nail in the coffin on the idea of marriage to this man any time soon and probably ever.

I hate to join the chorus, but legally obligating yourself through marriage looks like a huge mistake. And don't be naive - once you are the daughter in law all the duties that the rest of the family is heaping onto your husband will be imputed through to you.

Yep. They have a lot of nerve asking their children for money after living beyond their means. They will have no qualms about pressuring you once you marry him. This will not be a happy family life for you. Their finances and his finances will be a constant source of stress.

The writing is on the wall. OP is going to marry this guy despite all the red flags because she is in LOVE. Next year, when her daughter fills out a FAFSA she’s going to be shocked! Baffled! Caught completely by surprise that her daughter no longer qualifies for financial aid and has a huge bill directly because of her husband’s income. The mom will apologize, the step dad will feel terrible (but not terrible enough to help) and the daughter will end up with massive loans. Meanwhile the husband is going to burn through money to fund his parents and his kid. Old habits die hard and he will go into debt again. Eventually she’ll find (one of many) overdrawn credit card bill Which will stress her out. They will fight about money and divorce within two years of her daughter’s college graduation. The marriage will last just long enough to wipe out OP’s savings AND guarantee her daughter has maximum student loans.

Isn’t love grand?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry but I must join the chorus here, the effects of your potential marriage on both children’s financial aid could be devastating. Both of your incomes could be imputed to both children! It sounds like his poor financial education started with his parents and at his age, will not be overcome. Once he sends $200 a month to his parents and perhaps takes out parent plus loans for his son, he may not be abl e to pay his half of the mortgage. I am sure that he is a wonderful man. I strongly advise against marriage. As you already live together, aside from getting each other’s social security at death, there is no upside as someone stated…only down…down…down.

PS, I don't think you can tell him not to support his parents. But you can insist that the mortgage etc be paid every month on time at your house.

I don't think we are talking $200 a month here - try a couple or few thousand to continue living in Manhattan. The fact that the other siblings think this is ok is an indication of a family very deep in denial.

I was being generous with $200 a month because it doesn’t sound like he can afford that. I certainly doesn’t sound like he can send them $2,000 a month….

OP how much are you talking about and does he have any discretionary income? Would he get a second job?

Anonymous wrote:

He feels pressure to provide for his parents (who never hinted before when they were living the high life that funds were limited). I feel absolutely terrified that this man with not enough of his own retirement and not enough savings for his kid to go to college is going to end up ruining my life financially because he doesn't know how to say no to anybody (parents, adult kids, even ex wife).

This should be the nail in the coffin on the idea of marriage to this man any time soon and probably ever.

I hate to join the chorus, but legally obligating yourself through marriage looks like a huge mistake. And don't be naive - once you are the daughter in law all the duties that the rest of the family is heaping onto your husband will be imputed through to you.

Yep. They have a lot of nerve asking their children for money after living beyond their means. They will have no qualms about pressuring you once you marry him. This will not be a happy family life for you. Their finances and his finances will be a constant source of stress.

He feels pressure to provide for his parents (who never hinted before when they were living the high life that funds were limited). I feel absolutely terrified that this man with not enough of his own retirement and not enough savings for his kid to go to college is going to end up ruining my life financially because he doesn't know how to say no to anybody (parents, adult kids, even ex wife).

This should be the nail in the coffin on the idea of marriage to this man any time soon and probably ever.

I hate to join the chorus, but legally obligating yourself through marriage looks like a huge mistake. And don't be naive - once you are the daughter in law all the duties that the rest of the family is heaping onto your husband will be imputed through to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry but I must join the chorus here, the effects of your potential marriage on both children’s financial aid could be devastating. Both of your incomes could be imputed to both children! It sounds like his poor financial education started with his parents and at his age, will not be overcome. Once he sends $200 a month to his parents and perhaps takes out parent plus loans for his son, he may not be abl e to pay his half of the mortgage. I am sure that he is a wonderful man. I strongly advise against marriage. As you already live together, aside from getting each other’s social security at death, there is no upside as someone stated…only down…down…down.

PS, I don't think you can tell him not to support his parents. But you can insist that the mortgage etc be paid every month on time at your house.

I don't think we are talking $200 a month here - try a couple or few thousand to continue living in Manhattan. The fact that the other siblings think this is ok is an indication of a family very deep in denial.

This. And even if it's $200 a month now, old people get more expensive as the age.

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry but I must join the chorus here, the effects of your potential marriage on both children’s financial aid could be devastating. Both of your incomes could be imputed to both children! It sounds like his poor financial education started with his parents and at his age, will not be overcome. Once he sends $200 a month to his parents and perhaps takes out parent plus loans for his son, he may not be abl e to pay his half of the mortgage. I am sure that he is a wonderful man. I strongly advise against marriage. As you already live together, aside from getting each other’s social security at death, there is no upside as someone stated…only down…down…down.

PS, I don't think you can tell him not to support his parents. But you can insist that the mortgage etc be paid every month on time at your house.

I don't think we are talking $200 a month here - try a couple or few thousand to continue living in Manhattan. The fact that the other siblings think this is ok is an indication of a family very deep in denial.

It's on him to say no to his parents. But you already know he's not good at setting good financial boundaries, even for himself. If you're going to stay with him, you need to be very clear on what will happen if X. If he gives money to his parents and can no longer afford half of the mortgage then ____. And so forth. I generally believe that marriage is a union in all aspects, including financial. If you're not willing to share any potential financial burden, you shouldn't get married. And you knew all this a long time ago...

How much do you make, OP?

How much does he make?

If he makes more than you, he will definitely harm your daughter’s college financial aid. It doesn’t sound like he could pay the difference, so your marriage is going to have a pretty big financial price tag fir your child.

Anonymous wrote:
OP you’re going to ruin your daughter’s life if you marry this guy. He’s 52 and has no retirement plan. He’s at the age where health scares will be more common — what happens if he can’t work anymore? Are you going to spend all your savings funding his retirement AND his parents retirement? What happens when YOU need to retire? Are you just going to dump your crap on your daughter because you spent your savings on a man?

DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!

At a minimum wait until your daughter is out of college so you don’t completely f*ck up her life.

Health scares are common, but also real health problems! And he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't have enough savings to withstand even a temporary break in his earnings.

Open your eyes, OP. If you marry and then divorce, you'll be parting with your savings.

His parents sound extremely selfish. Do not get married. You don’t need it.

Don't get married, stay partners forever. Anything else and you will regret bitterly.

How old are you OP?