Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:43
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
I have a sister that constantly compares herself to me. She has an amazing life yet still laments that I have a better life - I was thinner than her as a child, or had easier kids, or better work/life balance, etc. She internalizes most of it which is awful for her mental health.
I wish she would stop comparing herself and start living and embracing the life she has. She would be much happier for it. Much like social media, you never know what someone else's demons and challenges are so you are comparing yourself to a fictional story.
I wish she would stop comparing herself and start living and embracing the life she has. She would be much happier for it. Much like social media, you never know what someone else's demons and challenges are so you are comparing yourself to a fictional story.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:39
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
OP, hugs. People can be really harsh here about siblings.
OP here. I already feel bad about my sister's obvious superiority in talents and better decision making ability. Now I am feeling bad about feeling bad.
You should feel bad, your envy and insecurity is not about her superiority in talents! Now you posted better decision making? But, so far she was just naturally better? Hm, no.
Now you are still feeling bad? Does it ever stop with bullies? The whole world is against you, just like it is against all bullies who are always victims in their own eyes.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:38
Subject: Re:My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is annoying and it does suck. You can continue to focus on it, ignore it, reframe it, or find something new to become the "better sister" at. When I was a kid, I purposely chose things different from my sister. She played Tennis, so I played Field Hockey. She went to college in the North, so I only looked at colleges in the South. She liked Pink, so I liked Purple. Etc. Some things were petty- some things were big. I was intentionally shaping myself to be different. Basically, when I could, I found ways to be different from her to limit the comparisons- because there were so many moments that the comparisons could not be avoided.
Op here. You know, I have really thought about this too. It would bother me so much when we were younger that we seemed to be enmeshed in many ways. We shared the same friends, had the same interests and hobbies and lived together. And even now in our thirties, we seem to have very wants and desires. She and I basically dress very similarly except she has extra perks such as expensive accessories gifted to her by her husband. We would both love to live in the same town but she has a larger budget so she can afford it while I probably cannot. Neither of us has particularly exotic interests so we are not differentiated that way. I sometimes feel suffocated by having her be my shadow. Only now she is eclipsing me. I view it as like, she has a better version of the life I want to cultivate.
Ok, but OP you are only in your 30s. Life is loooong. Whatever life you have not isn't the end of the story. Go forward and make the life you want- and appreciate that things are not always even. Forgive her for achieving the things you want first, and forgive yourself for feeling jelous and unsatisfied. Once you have done that, appreciate having a sister who shares the same interests you do and just stop looking for ways to compare.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:32
Subject: Re:My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:It is annoying and it does suck. You can continue to focus on it, ignore it, reframe it, or find something new to become the "better sister" at. When I was a kid, I purposely chose things different from my sister. She played Tennis, so I played Field Hockey. She went to college in the North, so I only looked at colleges in the South. She liked Pink, so I liked Purple. Etc. Some things were petty- some things were big. I was intentionally shaping myself to be different. Basically, when I could, I found ways to be different from her to limit the comparisons- because there were so many moments that the comparisons could not be avoided.
Op here. You know, I have really thought about this too. It would bother me so much when we were younger that we seemed to be enmeshed in many ways. We shared the same friends, had the same interests and hobbies and lived together. And even now in our thirties, we seem to have very wants and desires. She and I basically dress very similarly except she has extra perks such as expensive accessories gifted to her by her husband. We would both love to live in the same town but she has a larger budget so she can afford it while I probably cannot. Neither of us has particularly exotic interests so we are not differentiated that way. I sometimes feel suffocated by having her be my shadow. Only now she is eclipsing me. I view it as like, she has a better version of the life I want to cultivate.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:24
Subject: Re:My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
It is annoying and it does suck. You can continue to focus on it, ignore it, reframe it, or find something new to become the "better sister" at. When I was a kid, I purposely chose things different from my sister. She played Tennis, so I played Field Hockey. She went to college in the North, so I only looked at colleges in the South. She liked Pink, so I liked Purple. Etc. Some things were petty- some things were big. I was intentionally shaping myself to be different. Basically, when I could, I found ways to be different from her to limit the comparisons- because there were so many moments that the comparisons could not be avoided.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:13
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
OP, hugs. People can be really harsh here about siblings.
OP here. I already feel bad about my sister's obvious superiority in talents and better decision making ability. Now I am feeling bad about feeling bad.
Sorry OP. I'm sure there things you are better at (maybe you are smarter? sounds like you went to a better school, I assume that means you had better grades/scores).
Regardless, resentment is not your friend. Just focus on yourself and try to be happy that you don't have some loser sibling who is always trying to hit you up for money.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:04
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
OP, hugs. People can be really harsh here about siblings.
OP here. I already feel bad about my sister's obvious superiority in talents and better decision making ability. Now I am feeling bad about feeling bad.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 14:03
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
OP, hugs. People can be really harsh here about siblings.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 13:33
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has always naturally one-upped me. I do not know how much of it was intentional or naturally a result of her good fortune and talents.
I loved to dance and act as a child but she would always get the lead roles and was doted upon by drama teachers
I had trouble making friends, she was one of the popular girls always. Even MY friends would think she was cool
I went to a better college than her but she got the better career with higher income.
She married a rich guy and gets nice perks handed to her due to her generous in laws. DH and I struggle through every phase of a life as we do not have family money.
Her wedding was better than mine
She is now house hunting and I am sure she will end up with a gorgeous house in the perfect location as she doesn't have a small budget. DH and I still live in an apartment as we are saving for a down payment and are concerned about affording anything around here
It honestly SUCKS. I like her and we get along but I am sick of being the less than sister.
I sometimes wish I could outdo her just ONE TIME.
So, you sister made none of these choices? She is just clueless person who got lucky?
Sounds do me like you are the person that can't see if other people are wiser and make better life choices. Surely, your sister has some agency of her own good fortune?
Anonymous
09/29/2021 07:38
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Some people are negative, life sucking drain pipes.
I have noticed that people like your sister are usually hard working at everything they do. They might take the time to listen to a friend, or studying more or just making an effort, like in a drama class.
The thing is you are not seeing things about yourself, but you are seeing her. That tells a lot, instead of focusing on your life, you are focusing on how unfair your life is compared to hers.
This is a symptom of a bully, that life is unfair, that you should have the same things as someone else, that you are deserving of it...without a single shred of introspection and realization that maybe your own decisions resulted in your state... which is always of unhappiness, bcs you can't derive happiness within yourself, you seek it outside.
Instead of asking, what do I DO to achieve things I want.
She did things that you are blind to, due to your petty, bully nature.
Bullies struggle with everything, bcs they see everything as a snub, insult, unfairness, but they rarely work on achieving their own goals.
Why? A bully can't achieve worth without comparing to others, you have to do it by putting others down. You don't have a sense of self worth, so you derive it by putting others down, like you are trying to do to your sister. You see, in your mind, she is NATURALLY better than you, hence you are not bad, you are great, she just got the genetic luck? That way, you feel that it is nothing you did, that she is lucky and actually worthless, since you can't possibly be worse, less talented, less hard working, less good decision making able, no?
So, you tear her down in your head so you can feel worthy since she is not worthy.
You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
I have noticed that people like your sister are usually hard working at everything they do. They might take the time to listen to a friend, or studying more or just making an effort, like in a drama class.
The thing is you are not seeing things about yourself, but you are seeing her. That tells a lot, instead of focusing on your life, you are focusing on how unfair your life is compared to hers.
This is a symptom of a bully, that life is unfair, that you should have the same things as someone else, that you are deserving of it...without a single shred of introspection and realization that maybe your own decisions resulted in your state... which is always of unhappiness, bcs you can't derive happiness within yourself, you seek it outside.
Instead of asking, what do I DO to achieve things I want.
She did things that you are blind to, due to your petty, bully nature.
Bullies struggle with everything, bcs they see everything as a snub, insult, unfairness, but they rarely work on achieving their own goals.
Why? A bully can't achieve worth without comparing to others, you have to do it by putting others down. You don't have a sense of self worth, so you derive it by putting others down, like you are trying to do to your sister. You see, in your mind, she is NATURALLY better than you, hence you are not bad, you are great, she just got the genetic luck? That way, you feel that it is nothing you did, that she is lucky and actually worthless, since you can't possibly be worse, less talented, less hard working, less good decision making able, no?
So, you tear her down in your head so you can feel worthy since she is not worthy.
You are an insecure bully. Your sister is the one that has an abusive sister.
Anonymous
09/29/2021 06:27
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
OP, I also have a super competitive younger sister who was in my head for, oh, a good 35 years. She's a Harvard doctor, married to a rich guy, has all the things.
Once I had a kid and found a job I love (teaching elementary school), I was able to relax into my own life. I was with her over the summer and I was able to see how stressed and high strung she is. It wasn't much fun spending time with her, and with all she has, she even took a potshot about my only child. No winner in that game.
Maybe like the PP above, things will change in the future, who knows. Life is long. But I'm running my own race now and it doesn't matter.
So it's kind of cliched but my advice is to shut it all out, find out what makes YOU happy, and live that life. What makes you shine OP?? I bet there is a lot!
Once I had a kid and found a job I love (teaching elementary school), I was able to relax into my own life. I was with her over the summer and I was able to see how stressed and high strung she is. It wasn't much fun spending time with her, and with all she has, she even took a potshot about my only child. No winner in that game.
Maybe like the PP above, things will change in the future, who knows. Life is long. But I'm running my own race now and it doesn't matter.
So it's kind of cliched but my advice is to shut it all out, find out what makes YOU happy, and live that life. What makes you shine OP?? I bet there is a lot!
Anonymous
09/29/2021 05:47
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
When I was younger I appeared to do better than my sister and I was told my sister was cold to me because she was jealous. Jealous of the holidays I had, jealous of the house I bought, jealous of the successes I was having. I didn't understand as I wasn't doing anything other than living my life. I didn't see it.
Fast forward 20 years and I had infertility problems and couldn't have children and my sister went on to have four children and has since travelled as well. Is she happy, no she now tries to rub my face in it how much better her life is than mine.
Our relationship is horrible and I often wonder what's the point. That's the thing with life, it can and does go up and down, periods of success and periods of yuck.
I am happy for my sister and not competitive with her however what a waste. There is nothing to say your sisters success will continue. Being competitive will only hurt you. Its not an easy fix but rarely does anyone go through life unscathed. Life has bumps in the road so this jealousy is simply a waste. Work on you because thats the only thing here that matters.
Fast forward 20 years and I had infertility problems and couldn't have children and my sister went on to have four children and has since travelled as well. Is she happy, no she now tries to rub my face in it how much better her life is than mine.
Our relationship is horrible and I often wonder what's the point. That's the thing with life, it can and does go up and down, periods of success and periods of yuck.
I am happy for my sister and not competitive with her however what a waste. There is nothing to say your sisters success will continue. Being competitive will only hurt you. Its not an easy fix but rarely does anyone go through life unscathed. Life has bumps in the road so this jealousy is simply a waste. Work on you because thats the only thing here that matters.
Anonymous
09/28/2021 13:44
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Good for you, pp. We can only change ourselves.
Anonymous
09/28/2021 12:48
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
I have two older sisters and we were caught in the competition trap with each other for many years.
I finally decided I had enough and didn't need to win. I started just being happy for their successes and for all that they had and stopped wondering why I didn't. It doesn't mean that I am never not jealous but it slowly allowed me to see that yes, they both had challenges as well.
I will say they were both suspicious of my changed behavior and thought it was some manipulation tactic. One of my sisters, after a couple of years, finally let down her guard and realized I was being sincere and I was genuinely happy for her and her Family and her kids successes. And while not overnight, her attitude towards me began to change as well and she stopped trying to engage in competition and actually became far more generous but not with money but with time and energy to get to know me and my family.
Sadly, my other sister this didn't happen but who knows maybe in the future things will change.
In the end, I am glad that I made the change in myself and I was much happier. Even if neither of my sister's behavior ever changed, I was still in a better place.
I finally decided I had enough and didn't need to win. I started just being happy for their successes and for all that they had and stopped wondering why I didn't. It doesn't mean that I am never not jealous but it slowly allowed me to see that yes, they both had challenges as well.
I will say they were both suspicious of my changed behavior and thought it was some manipulation tactic. One of my sisters, after a couple of years, finally let down her guard and realized I was being sincere and I was genuinely happy for her and her Family and her kids successes. And while not overnight, her attitude towards me began to change as well and she stopped trying to engage in competition and actually became far more generous but not with money but with time and energy to get to know me and my family.
Sadly, my other sister this didn't happen but who knows maybe in the future things will change.
In the end, I am glad that I made the change in myself and I was much happier. Even if neither of my sister's behavior ever changed, I was still in a better place.
Anonymous
09/28/2021 12:40
Subject: My sister is naturally better than me in EVERYTHING. Is it bad that I wish I could outdo her ?
Chrissy, is that you? LOL you'll never win, sis!