Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 20:11     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.


For sure. If I decide to go that route, I will be using a court order, which upset him. He seems to think we can just come to an agreement on our own, and I'm fairly certain he's going to do what he can to get out of paying. But for a whole bunch of other reasons I don't want to get into here, I really think getting him to terminate his rights is the best thing for everyone involved.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 20:08     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:Yes you can "do it all on your own" but that kind of thinking is setting yourself up for failure. Use your family and friends. Line up childcare. And then backup childcare and back up to the back up. Find a good family law attorney. You need a village OP


Thanks I do have a great family and set of friends that will all pitch in. I've been speaking with attorneys and have found one I like a lot.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 19:37     Subject: Re:Any moms do it all on their own?
OP, I think you did this on purpose. Why not use a sperm donor? It’s perfectly acceptable to have a baby on your own but really horrible to force someone else to have one against his will.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 19:35     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Me! And you can absolutely do this! It’s not easy, but in some ways it is easier because yours is the only opinion that matters. You don’t have to compromise on any issue. I think the toughest row to hoe is single parent with conflicting co-parent. I can’t imagine having to discuss every single decision with someone I’m not also in a relationship with.

I won’t provide any guidance on if you should seek to end his parental rights or not. That’s too personal of a decision.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 19:22     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I accidentally got pregnant from a man I was dating who has made it clear he doesn't want to be involved. He seems to have some strange idea that he can choose not sign the birth certificate, absolve himself from any legal responsibility, see the child only when it's convenient for him, and instead he'll just talk with me to give me all his parenting ideas and help me make decisions. Which is, of course, ridiculous and out of the question. Right now I'm trying to get him to give up his parental rights, since that'll make my life easier and I truly don't believe it's good for a child to have a father that comes in and out of their life on a whim.

Whether he does or not, it's clear I'm going to be doing most, if not all, of it on my own. I'm mostly excited, somewhat scared, and very sad that everything I thought I'd do with a partner I'll be doing alone.

Anyone here BTDT? What advice do you have?

Please be kind, I've heard enough criticism from people already for being a pregnant, unwed woman who should have known better and "kept her legs shut". It's hurtful and not at all helpful.


He is awful and you aren't far behind. You should Terminate. Nobody gets pregnant in this day and age accidentally.


I totally agree with you that nobody gets pregnant on accident, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she should terminate because that’s her choice to make. A lot of women choose to unilaterally get pregnant and blame it on faulty birth control. There are studies on women who manipulate or intentionally sabotage their birth control to get pregnant. Here’s one that goes over the indicators of unilateral pregnancy, for example: [url] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1557988309350492 . Any woman who claims this doesn’t happen all the time is lying.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 19:05     Subject: Re:Any moms do it all on their own?
What kind of BC were you using?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 19:03     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:I accidentally got pregnant from a man I was dating who has made it clear he doesn't want to be involved. He seems to have some strange idea that he can choose not sign the birth certificate, absolve himself from any legal responsibility, see the child only when it's convenient for him, and instead he'll just talk with me to give me all his parenting ideas and help me make decisions. Which is, of course, ridiculous and out of the question. Right now I'm trying to get him to give up his parental rights, since that'll make my life easier and I truly don't believe it's good for a child to have a father that comes in and out of their life on a whim.

Whether he does or not, it's clear I'm going to be doing most, if not all, of it on my own. I'm mostly excited, somewhat scared, and very sad that everything I thought I'd do with a partner I'll be doing alone.

Anyone here BTDT? What advice do you have?

Please be kind, I've heard enough criticism from people already for being a pregnant, unwed woman who should have known better and "kept her legs shut". It's hurtful and not at all helpful.


He is awful and you aren't far behind. You should Terminate. Nobody gets pregnant in this day and age accidentally.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 16:51     Subject: Re:Any moms do it all on their own?
Why even name him as a father on the BC? Just don't and he wont have any claims to paternity.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:58     Subject: Re:Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can absolutely do this on your own.

I would think further about trying to get him to give up his parental rights. You are correct that it will be hard for your child to have an unreliable parent who is in and out of their life unreliably, but it is also hard to have a father who walked away entirely and your child may also blame you in part for having him sign away his rights. Unless you are independently wealthy, get a child support order in place instead.


One of his exact lines to me was “how great for you to have another income stream”. He really, REALLY does not want to pay child support. I don’t know exactly how much he makes, but I don’t think it’s much, so I doubt I would get that much from him anyway. My family is fairly well-off and willing to help, so money won’t be too much of an issue.


Be very careful here op. He might realize you are a potential income source of f he goes for 1/2 custody. Talk to an attorney. Focus on setting up a stable future for you and your kid. Keep things amicable. He can restore his parental rights at almost any time.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:52     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Congrats. You can do it of course. You know that. Be cautious with money, get help when its offered, etc.

My advice is pragmatic. When my kids were babies, my DH traveled for weeks at a time. Plan for emergencies: have an amazing closet of CVS staples since it's harder to run out and get tylenol or benadryl or diaper wipes, etc.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:46     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

It still messes a child up to have one parent who didn't want them. That is written in your bones and never, ever goes away.


DP. What do you think you’re contributing to this discussion? It doesn’t sound like there is any scenario here where this guy steps up as a father, so I don’t know what you are arguing for.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:45     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Anonymous wrote:Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.


OP, based on what you've said, I would NOT do this. You could end up in a nightmare situation if you file for child support and the guy gets angry and retaliates. I'm talking about him retaliating against you legally, using the family court system. Trust me. You want peace. You don't want to be stuck in a hell that never ends.

It sounds like you can financially support your child on your own; DO THAT. Use your village, it IS doable. And it gets easier in many ways as the child gets older. It is hardest in the early years. You can definitely do it. Sending you love.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:45     Subject: Re:Any moms do it all on their own?
I had an unintended pregnancy 17 yrs ago. My ex was involved when he felt like it which was more frequent than my DS was younger. Now my ex lives far away and hasn't seen our child in many, many years. He is married and has more kids. It is hard but I started off doing it alone. I'm sure it's harder if you have a partner and then they leave. I sometimes get child support but I don't count on it because it isn't always on time or the total amount. Good luck to you. Make sure you really want this child because it's much too hard to do when you regret your decision.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:36     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2021 15:32     Subject: Any moms do it all on their own?
OP

You can do this.

Only thing I will say is like any other parent make time for yourself as you raise your child so you don’t get burned out.

As for the guy he participated so hence yeah child support unless he signs over all rights.