Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:36     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
nothing to say other then I am sorry you are going through this
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:34     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???


He sounds like a narcissist or sociopath. This is abuse and manipulation, and men like this target weak victims from day 1. Sorry OP, but you are wasting years with this horrible man.

Jesus. I'm getting PTSD from this. This is classic gaslighting. Are you in individual therapy to help identify this nonsense?
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:28     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???


Jesus. I'm getting PTSD from this. This is classic gaslighting. Are you in individual therapy to help identify this nonsense?
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:17     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???


His behavior is telling you everything you know. He doesn't love you. He's also shown himself to be a unstable person and parent. Many women marry the wrong guy the first time due to insecurity, wanting to start their family, and not seeing the red flags. Or truly getting to know the person they are marrying. Also, most are immature and too young the first time around.
Stop the counseling, it's a waste of money and use that for some legal advice. Meanwhile, move into another bedroom and go forward.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:11     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???


He’s lying. He’s not in love with you. Please have some sled respect. You need to tell the kids that you are getting divorced. Make it official. Someone moves to the basement. No more family meals etc for a while.



I think OP needs to move or get him to move. OP you need to move forward as difficult as it is. You will never trust him and he would end up doing the same thing down the road. If this how you want to live? There are better partners out there. He's not a good dad either to do this to his kids.
I would start making moves to get yourself in a good position. Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. As for co-parenting I would only talk to him concerning the pickup and drop off, and by text only. He would be out of my life except for that. In fact, if I met someone and ended up marrying. He and I were the parents. The ex could parent on their end when the kids were there. My point is remove yourself from his world completely. Please don't do the Pick Me dance, it's beneath you.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:09     Subject: Re:How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:

Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.


Again—property and custody really have to be worked out. Up and leaving can impact custody. People need to consult an attorney before leaving the marital home. As soon as something is agreed on with custody and property, then by all means, physically separate.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 08:05     Subject: Re:How to survive separating in place with a cheater


Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:47     Subject: Re:How to survive separating in place with a cheater
My guess is this is not the first time he has been emotionally abusive to you, which is what his current behavior is.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:46     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:For starters, he gets an apartment. You don’t stay on the same house. You realize it’s over and you only communicate about the kids.


You can’t leave the marital home that easily. They need a separation agreement first. When there are kids, custody needs to be established first. Only an idiot would leave the marital home without custody terms being in writing.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:43     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you have to kick him out. There is no way he wakes up on the EAP if he can have his cake and eat it too. You say you want the marriage to work, thats the only shot…


How do I kick him out?


You can’t kick him out if he owns the property. You should be civil anyway for the kids. Get the divorce going. Start a separation ASAP, once you have a PSA, one of you can move because those terms of property will be worked out. You can both get attorneys and get this done via paperwork. Or mediation or mediation with attorneys. You won’t get more than 50/50. The marriage is over. Get on with your life. Be civil for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:42     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???


He’s lying. He’s not in love with you. Please have some sled respect. You need to tell the kids that you are getting divorced. Make it official. Someone moves to the basement. No more family meals etc for a while.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:40     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
For starters, he gets an apartment. You don’t stay on the same house. You realize it’s over and you only communicate about the kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:38     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Also - be honest with him about the pain you are in, about how hurtful it is to exist under the same roof while he is engaged in sn affair.. If he wants be with her, he has to move out.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:37     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
If he refuses to move out then let him know you are going public with his betrayal to family and friends, and you will be asking for their support in getting him to leave.

He is being incredibly selfish, but that goes without saying. What a f—cker. That was in case he’s reading.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2021 07:26     Subject: How to survive separating in place with a cheater
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.


He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.


This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.


I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???