Anonymous
09/21/2021 21:03
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have enough money for two kids.
You two need to talk to each other about what your priorities are, the kind of life style you want to live, what else if of value to you (positively contributing to society while not making bank is a legitimate value), and get on the same page about where to go. Sounds like not a lot of communication is going on. Maybe your values are too different and you divorce.
We have enough money for Current daycare plus rent plus expenses.
We would not have enough money for second daycare and a mortgage and the other expenses of a second child and home ownership
Not going to give specifics, but we aren’t talking about Ivy League to prestigious or amazingly impactful social justice career. I’m talking t14 grad school to cushy lobbyist-type position for the first few years of our marriage, and now taking on an independent k consulting position in something like the arts/sports/culture. No benefits, no retirement, and it’s not like he’s trying to piece together a couple of consulting gigs. It’s. Just.the. One.
We tried having dh as default parent for a little bit during beginning of pandemic when child care shut down and he was between gigs.. After a few months, where frankly, we were doing equal amounts childcare while I worked from home, he said he was “burned out” and it was time to get ds back in childcare.
To me this is the real issue and I can see why you are resentful, OP. He needs to pull hair weight in terms of income or household. Ideally both. Certainly "neither" is not an option.
It's not that your total HHI is "too low" for another kid since ppl do it, but it's totally unfair for the burden of earning AND caretaking to be all on you. Unless there are medical or mental health issues, I'd view this as not being an adult and really unfair to you and DC.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:58
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do not have a second kid with this man. IUD if you don’t have one. Next, get some therapy to help you sort this out.
This. I’m sorry. I would be livid and not biting my tongue.
+1
Was there never a discussion about him returning to being at least an equal financial partner in the marriage if he wasn’t going to be the default parent?
My requirements for purchasing a joint asset with such an uncertain partner would be that he raise his income so we would be contributing more equally to an asset we would both own.
My requirement before having another child with such an uncertain partner would be him spending the next six months doing half. Not fake half. Not “helping”. Not “but I mow the lawn!”. Actual half.
Thanks for this. I like the way you’ve framed it. I feel incredibly uncertain about purchasing a home jointly when it feels like
I’m the only responsible adult in the room.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:57
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:You have enough money for two kids.
You two need to talk to each other about what your priorities are, the kind of life style you want to live, what else if of value to you (positively contributing to society while not making bank is a legitimate value), and get on the same page about where to go. Sounds like not a lot of communication is going on. Maybe your values are too different and you divorce.
We have enough money for Current daycare plus rent plus expenses.
We would not have enough money for second daycare and a mortgage and the other expenses of a second child and home ownership
Not going to give specifics, but we aren’t talking about Ivy League to prestigious or amazingly impactful social justice career. I’m talking t14 grad school to cushy lobbyist-type position for the first few years of our marriage, and now taking on an independent k consulting position in something like the arts/sports/culture. No benefits, no retirement, and it’s not like he’s trying to piece together a couple of consulting gigs. It’s. Just.the. One.
We tried having dh as default parent for a little bit during beginning of pandemic when child care shut down and he was between gigs.. After a few months, where frankly, we were doing equal amounts childcare while I worked from home, he said he was “burned out” and it was time to get ds back in childcare.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:21
Subject: Re:underemployed dh pushing for another baby
OP, the question around having a 2nd child is separate from the question of resentment toward your situation/husband. I
f you want to have 2 kids, think about your age and then decide if it's the right time for you to have the 2nd child. Resentment toward your situation/husband does need to be resolved, likely with a counselor. This situation has been going on too long and so might require the help of a counselor.
f you want to have 2 kids, think about your age and then decide if it's the right time for you to have the 2nd child. Resentment toward your situation/husband does need to be resolved, likely with a counselor. This situation has been going on too long and so might require the help of a counselor.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:20
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Why did you tell him he needs to make more income instead of telling him he needed to become the default parent?
Because she wants the money.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:11
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Why did you tell him he needs to make more income instead of telling him he needed to become the default parent?
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:11
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Sorry you didn’t marry a rich man to take care of you. That’s what you’re mad about. Own it.
Fifty thousand is a low income for a man to be making if he once made 250k AND his wife is the default parent.
Op, tell him you don’t want to have another kid unless and until he can get his salary up and keep it up
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:11
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do not have a second kid with this man. IUD if you don’t have one. Next, get some therapy to help you sort this out.
This. I’m sorry. I would be livid and not biting my tongue.
+1
Was there never a discussion about him returning to being at least an equal financial partner in the marriage if he wasn’t going to be the default parent?
My requirements for purchasing a joint asset with such an uncertain partner would be that he raise his income so we would be contributing more equally to an asset we would both own.
My requirement before having another child with such an uncertain partner would be him spending the next six months doing half. Not fake half. Not “helping”. Not “but I mow the lawn!”. Actual half.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:09
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What dollar figures are we talking about here? If you are making $200k and he’s making say $60k I don’t see a problem with baby # 2.
I make 135
He makes 50
And I’m the default parent
Oh hell no. Not if you’re doing more of the work.
Don’t have another kid with him.
How old are you? You could tell him that if gets his salary up to what is was before and manages to keep it there for two or three years, the you can start talking about baby number two.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:07
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
How old is your child OP? How old are you?
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:05
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
You have enough money for two kids.
You two need to talk to each other about what your priorities are, the kind of life style you want to live, what else if of value to you (positively contributing to society while not making bank is a legitimate value), and get on the same page about where to go. Sounds like not a lot of communication is going on. Maybe your values are too different and you divorce.
You two need to talk to each other about what your priorities are, the kind of life style you want to live, what else if of value to you (positively contributing to society while not making bank is a legitimate value), and get on the same page about where to go. Sounds like not a lot of communication is going on. Maybe your values are too different and you divorce.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 20:04
Subject: Re:underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, before you can have a discussion with your husband about it, you need to figure out what exactly you need. 'More money' isn't a real answer. You need an actual number (total income/savings) that meets your family's need. Then you need a realistic plan to meet that goal. Be prepared for the idea that you too will need to make concessions. Be honest, though, is it the lack of money or the lack of prestige that is bothering you?
Not sure what concessions I should/need to make? I’ve been the breadwinner for 5 years now and the primary parent.
I carry the health insurance, I’m the only one contributing to retirement, social security etc
What bugs me: he doesn’t seem to care that he went from 250k to 50k, because he’s doing a job in a field he’s passionate about.
I’m passionate about things too, but once I had a child, my priority was to be stable, keep the bills paid, and not seek out lower paying passion jobs. It’s not about me; it’s about what’s best for my child and family.
I am sort of in your position, except my husband never made 250. He finished his grad school and trainee position and then...decided to take a job that paid the same level. I was unpleasantly surprised.
We still have two kids, because I WANTED two kids. We live in a pretty crappy tiny house and i am not thrilled that any upgrades are going to require me gunning harder after already prioritizing supporting the family over my own passions in work. But the kids were not a question because I would rather live in a crappy house than have just one. OP, I think you need to look hard and think about what you really want in life.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 19:57
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
Have a second kid and dh gets to stay home with both kids instead of working.
Anonymous
09/21/2021 19:55
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
mmm no.Anonymous wrote:Sorry you didn’t marry a rich man to take care of you. That’s what you’re mad about. Own it.
In your misogynist mind he pulled the equivalent of going fro 50 pounds to 250 pounds. Sad to be a deal breaker but. Understandable
Anonymous
09/21/2021 19:52
Subject: underemployed dh pushing for another baby
It would be tight during daycare years. But $185 is adequate for two kids.
Make it a budget discussion. List out current expenses and new expenses if #2. Let the numbers speak for themselves. No judgment. Just “ we’d need another $30k for daycare”. Let him decide.
And meanwhile, birth control.
Make it a budget discussion. List out current expenses and new expenses if #2. Let the numbers speak for themselves. No judgment. Just “ we’d need another $30k for daycare”. Let him decide.
And meanwhile, birth control.