Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Why is everyone so afraid of being blunt with their kids? It is your job to tell him wrong is wrong when he is wrong... No wonder kids are all f-up!

That's right -- raise your kids like my in-laws raised their children. Who are all f-ed up now as adults.

Interesting. So should I take the advice of someone who was raised to marry a loser?

Is DS eating anything after lunch at school? Like taking a snack, or can his grandparents have a snack for him?

Many of us who have had a boy that age know that, (1) they aren't interesting in making chit chat right after school, (2) esp. if it involves going to hated tutoring right after school, and (3) they're HUNGRY.

You shouldn't get involved. My parents would be straight up with tween/teen, calling out their shit attitude.

At the same time they are loving, just not push overs.

Side note - is he hungry? My teen boys are such jerks when they are hungry. They can be in a bad mood, but they need to control their mouths.

Anonymous wrote:

hat’s tough. Can he just sit quietly in the car and have your parents try not to engage?

Yes, I have suggested this, but it is very hard for my mom. My dad doesn't really engage him.

Honestly, this might be a good opportunity for your DS. Maybe on the weekend, he can sit down with his grandma and they can come up with a compromise (DS answers three questions, chit chat for the first 2 mins, whatever). If you prep your mom for this convo, could she handle it?

I agree that's tough. Can you have a open conversation with him about it over the weekend when he's in a good mood and brainstorm ideas together? Acknowledge that you know it's really hard for him, and be sincere that you want to find solutions that help alleviate the stress on him while also addressing the unacceptable way he is treating his grandparents so that they are not hurt when they are doing something helpful for your family. Listen to him, and be willing to advocate for him to your mom. Maybe the solution is that he writes your parents a short note, with your help (you could type it together, if asking him to do it on his own is too big a burden), apologizing for his behavior but telling them that is difficult for him to engage when he's tired and stressed about tutoring. He could commit to giving them a friendly greeting and saying "thanks" when they drop him off if they are willing to let him sit the rest of the ride in silence listening to his headphones and being grumpy. And have him include at the end that he's really happy to see them other times! Hearing it directly from your son, your mom might be more willing to get with the program, give him some space, and not be hurt. And then if he successfully does what you agreed to, praise and reward him for being mature about it!

I think what you want to communicate is that it's okay to be upset about tutoring, all the adults are going to give him some leeway there because you know it's hard, but he needs to do his part by extending some basic courtesy. If he's part of finding a tenable solution, he might be more willing to go along with it, and you're also teaching him that being upfront about your needs and communicating them is a good way to buy some grace when you know you might be a bit of a jerk to someone, which is not a bad life lesson!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents were parenting you at one point, right? They should know that this behavior is caused by being tired, not wanting to go to tutoring, etc. They should ignore and parent him the way they would have parented you. It's not a big deal in my book.

But her parents' parental duty is over with OP. Why should they parent another generation of brats?

You must not have kids. Or at least I really hope you don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Why is everyone so afraid of being blunt with their kids? It is your job to tell him wrong is wrong when he is wrong... No wonder kids are all f-up!

That's right -- raise your kids like my in-laws raised their children. Who are all f-ed up now as adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Why is everyone so afraid of being blunt with their kids? It is your job to tell him wrong is wrong when he is wrong... No wonder kids are all f-up!

Interesting that you presume:

-people who are suggesting something other than harsher punishment are doing so because they are afraid of something, and not for any other reason
-the only way to tell your child they are wrong or "be blunt" with him is to punish them

But I guess when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents pick my 12 year old up from school and drive him to tutoring one day a week. I can't leave work, so I need them to do this. He doesn't like tutoring, but needs to go (he struggles with language arts). He is normally a nice respectful kid, but he is horrible to my parents on tutoring day. He argues, he is rude. I have punished him by taking away electronics, but it doesn't change anything. Any thoughts on how to correct this? FWIW, he also sees my parents every weekend and is polite and friendly then; the issue is that he is in a horrible snit because he is tired from school and does not want to go to tutoring.

But they don't have to. Where is your DH?

Working.
Sleeping because they work the third shift.
OP is a single parent.
OP is divorced.
SO is dead.

Don't be a dick. Also, don't assume other parent is a "husband."

Anonymous wrote:
They have to come with a delicious TREAT and pop it into his mouth, metaphorically, as soon as he shows up. At 12, he's likely hangry

Than everyone needs to reinforce that you're all very sympathetic to his suffering, but he can't take out his frustration on others, especially those who love him and give him PRESENTS. Hint, hint.

My 11 year old DD can be supremely grumpy when she's forced to do something she doesn't want to do. I do a mix of lecturing about manners and small rewards/compliments for good behavior. It keeps the worst behavior at bay...

I just read the other responses, and it sounds like your mother tries to make conversation? Big no-no! He needs to recuperate before doing his best at tutoring, otherwise you won't get your money's worth. Just give him food and let him decompress, it's really important after a full day of school (noisy, crowded, etc). No wonder he's not his usual sunny self

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Why is everyone so afraid of being blunt with their kids? It is your job to tell him wrong is wrong when he is wrong... No wonder kids are all f-up!

They have to come with a delicious TREAT and pop it into his mouth, metaphorically, as soon as he shows up. At 12, he's likely hangry

Than everyone needs to reinforce that you're all very sympathetic to his suffering, but he can't take out his frustration on others, especially those who love him and give him PRESENTS. Hint, hint.

My 11 year old DD can be supremely grumpy when she's forced to do something she doesn't want to do. I do a mix of lecturing about manners and small rewards/compliments for good behavior. It keeps the worst behavior at bay...

He should wear earbuds and listen to the music of his choice while going to tutoring. Doing that is establishing clearly that this is not a ride involving conversation. It's telling that you report more issues with your Mom instead of with your dad. It sounds like she's pushing for conversation, when it's not a good time.

Anonymous wrote:Punish him more. Keep it up until he changes. 12 is old enough to know better.

So just the one discipline method for you, huh?

Anonymous wrote:How much do you really think he is getting out of the tutoring if he hated it this much? Poor kid has been in school all day long. He just wants some down time. I would drop the tutoring. See if you can find someone to tutor on Sunday afternoons.

Also, there is no excuse for his behavior towards your parents. You need stronger consequences.

Absolutely. Be harsher and don’t stop until he hates your parents with a passion.