My older kid is very popular. I think it's because he has a personality that always assumes everyone is his friend - he has been like this since he was very little. He assumes everyone will be his friend, starts playing with them or chatting to them right away, and so then they are his friends. This is very different to my younger kid, who is naturally more wary - she makes friends but it takes her longer to do so

Anonymous wrote:She is very easy going and funny. Boys and girls alike have always liked her because she's kind to everyone and up for anything (i.e. she's not bossy about what to do, she'll join in a game others are playing). She's also very pretty, although she's always been popular and I'm not sure if five-year olds are drawn to good looks?

This may sound obnoxious but I attribute it to the genes she got from me. I have always been popular - liked even by people I don't like. I'm outgoing and friendly, I don't start arguments, I don't drink a lot so I'm never embarrassingly drunk or saying stupid/annoying things, I ask people questions about themselves and I take genuine interest in how they are doing, I am a gracious hostess and always try to make people feel comfortable. However, I don't do anything that makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself, if that makes sense. I think my daughter is the same - she doesn't try to be popular, she just is.

Are you sure you’re popular? You so sound so tiresome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

Ha! This would be true if the 1980’s mean girls. Popular kids today are different. It’s not that there aren’t mean kids anymore, it’s just that they don’t look and act like what you remember.

In my experience, this is still very much the case once you get to the middle school years, especially with the girls. Some of you all haven’t quite gotten there yet, or maybe you’re delusional about your kid’s popularity (and that can go either way... you might think they’re more popular than they are or you might think they couldn’t possibly be mean, when in fact they are.) Or perhaps you just live in a magical place.

There's multiple meanings of the word "popular" and these are all examples of the meaning that means "generally liked." But I've worked with kids and teens and teens still hold the same definitions of popular as wielding social power as we had back when (and what align with what social psychologists who study this find). They show it differently and are a bit more subtle, but it's not really that different.

There are a whole class of "popular" kids who use the power to include/exclude and set standards--these kids are admired but not always liked. There's a lot of game-playing and drama around status, though it's more subtle than the queen bee types from movies. There are a handful of kids who rise above that due to combination of luck, confidence and charisma who are genuinely likeable.

Then there are the vast majority of kids who have friends who care about them and have minor drama within their groups but don't stand out as the social leaders. This in my opinion is the best place for a kid to thrive. They have friends but they have freedom to be themselves, and they don't have a target on their back from the social climbers.

There are sadly still those who are sort of unaffiliated with few friends and those that have antagonistic relationships to their other peers. Again, more subtle than kids who are shoved into lockers, but it's still the same dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is very easy going and funny. Boys and girls alike have always liked her because she's kind to everyone and up for anything (i.e. she's not bossy about what to do, she'll join in a game others are playing). She's also very pretty, although she's always been popular and I'm not sure if five-year olds are drawn to good looks?

This may sound obnoxious but I attribute it to the genes she got from me. I have always been popular - liked even by people I don't like. I'm outgoing and friendly, I don't start arguments, I don't drink a lot so I'm never embarrassingly drunk or saying stupid/annoying things, I ask people questions about themselves and I take genuine interest in how they are doing, I am a gracious hostess and always try to make people feel comfortable. However, I don't do anything that makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself, if that makes sense. I think my daughter is the same - she doesn't try to be popular, she just is.

You lost me at “five year-olds.” You aren’t the target audience of this question. “Popularity” as in “the popular kids” isn’t really a thing until middle school.

Same.
I also thought first poster was talking about an older kid. LOL. A five year old!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

+1. Perfect, and likely the truest response on here.

There seems to be some truth to this. The girl giving my DD the hardest time in 2nd grade is not very cut (although blonde) but she's mean as all get out and seems to get off on excluding my DD and others based on her whims but she strikes me as very insecure almost awkward and I can't understand the power she seems to have over the other girls. But I feel like her own weaknesses will catch up with her and I can't imagine a girl like this staying on top for very long.

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

+1. Perfect, and likely the truest response on here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is very easy going and funny. Boys and girls alike have always liked her because she's kind to everyone and up for anything (i.e. she's not bossy about what to do, she'll join in a game others are playing). She's also very pretty, although she's always been popular and I'm not sure if five-year olds are drawn to good looks?

This may sound obnoxious but I attribute it to the genes she got from me. I have always been popular - liked even by people I don't like. I'm outgoing and friendly, I don't start arguments, I don't drink a lot so I'm never embarrassingly drunk or saying stupid/annoying things, I ask people questions about themselves and I take genuine interest in how they are doing, I am a gracious hostess and always try to make people feel comfortable. However, I don't do anything that makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself, if that makes sense. I think my daughter is the same - she doesn't try to be popular, she just is.

You lost me at “five year-olds.” You aren’t the target audience of this question. “Popularity” as in “the popular kids” isn’t really a thing until middle school.

Completely disagree. There are popular kid starting in preschool. Some kids are always the center of attention and other kids gravitate towards them.

I have one who is that way and one who is not. The one who is is very charming and since a very young age has been able to "read the room" and understand emotions and he also has a great sense of humor.

The one who is not is perfectly likeable, just not the first person you notice in a room.

Yes the preschool shot caller is the most popular through middle school. I think things shake up more after puberty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is very easy going and funny. Boys and girls alike have always liked her because she's kind to everyone and up for anything (i.e. she's not bossy about what to do, she'll join in a game others are playing). She's also very pretty, although she's always been popular and I'm not sure if five-year olds are drawn to good looks?

This may sound obnoxious but I attribute it to the genes she got from me. I have always been popular - liked even by people I don't like. I'm outgoing and friendly, I don't start arguments, I don't drink a lot so I'm never embarrassingly drunk or saying stupid/annoying things, I ask people questions about themselves and I take genuine interest in how they are doing, I am a gracious hostess and always try to make people feel comfortable. However, I don't do anything that makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself, if that makes sense. I think my daughter is the same - she doesn't try to be popular, she just is.

You lost me at “five year-olds.” You aren’t the target audience of this question. “Popularity” as in “the popular kids” isn’t really a thing until middle school.

Sigh. I said it's been that way since she has been little, and I doubt at the earlier ages it was about her looks, although I mentioned them. She's not five anymore. Obviously five-year olds don't know what popularity is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

I don't really think such kids are all that popular. It's more than they are powerful, which is not insignificant but it is different. There are always many kids (excluded ones but also others) who do not like those queen bees.

+1

That's the kind of kid we used to call "popular," but it wasn't really that everyone liked them. Lots of people actively disliked them, but they had social power that others didn't really know how to manage or counter yet. But there were kids who were genuinely popular in the sense of being widely liked, even by kids who weren't their friends, and they were usually talented at something or pretty or smart, but they were also just nice to everyone. And they end up being much happier (in both the short run and the long run) than the exclusive kind of popular kid.

PP here, yes, and that power is quite fragile. one of my kids joined a classroom that had a queen bee and though my kid was not by herself the most popular kid, somehow her arrival shifted the balance of power and mobilized the opposition which learned how to wield power of its own, as you put it.

there are kids and people that are almost universally likable (typically: outgoing, friendly, attractive, smart but not nerdy) and then there are kids that are powerful within certain contexts. those sometimes go together but are different things.

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

Ha! This would be true if the 1980’s mean girls. Popular kids today are different. It’s not that there aren’t mean kids anymore, it’s just that they don’t look and act like what you remember.

My son has always been extremely confident and funny. He popped out like that, people just love him. He is a natural leader and people are drawn to him. I really think it has very little to do with us, although we try to shape him to be kind and empathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you are going to get very distorted answers here. Waiting for this response:

Well my child wields social power to exclude others and in doing so inspires a little bit of fear and admiration from peers. She’s quick to penalize anyone who isn’t loyal so they learn quick. Having money and being white with blonde hair helps.

I don't really think such kids are all that popular. It's more than they are powerful, which is not insignificant but it is different. There are always many kids (excluded ones but also others) who do not like those queen bees.

+1

That's the kind of kid we used to call "popular," but it wasn't really that everyone liked them. Lots of people actively disliked them, but they had social power that others didn't really know how to manage or counter yet. But there were kids who were genuinely popular in the sense of being widely liked, even by kids who weren't their friends, and they were usually talented at something or pretty or smart, but they were also just nice to everyone. And they end up being much happier (in both the short run and the long run) than the exclusive kind of popular kid.

I know this is insensitive, but he is attractive. that's why he is popular.

That's an unfortunate reality of the world we live. Attractive people receive better service, are more likely to get a job/promoted, etc.

and that applies to children as well.

My DS is a very handsome kid; somehow got the absolute best from my DW and I; we're just pretty regular looking people.

But everyone loves DS. He's nice and got a good sense of humor. But he's handsome. And thats why he's popular

Anonymous wrote:She’s very out going and very nice. When she was little, she was the kid who could go to an event where we knew no one and end up with friends. We have no idea where she got it from, it’s a family joke because the rest of us are much more reserved and introverted

+1

My kid isn't popular in a "Queen Bee"/clique kind of way, but she's always been well-liked by all her classmates. She doesn't worry about starting a new school or attending a camp where she doesn't know anyone, because she makes friends quickly. She's just very friendly and easy-going. In a new situation, she'll hang back and observe for a while, and then she'll approach a kid or a group of kids and join in. She's not bossy and she'll go along with what others want to do without begrudging it -- she'll get into it, and offer her own ideas and suggestions, and have a good time. And as a result, she gets along with kids who have very different interests, because she's willing to engage with them. (She's not a doormat, though--if she really doesn't want to do what others are doing, she'll go off and find someone else to play with or do her own thing). She's funny and smart. She's generous and thoughtful, and pays attention to what others are interested in. And she is genuinely inclusive and kind. The only kids she doesn't like are kids who are mean or hurt others. She's very low-drama as a friend. I think kids just find her easy and fun to be around. I don't think she'll ever be a social leader, but I think she'll always be popular in the sense of being well-liked, because she's got a fun personality and she's very sweet. She's just an easy kid to be friends with. I also think it kind of helps that she's not needy or desperate. She's pretty comfortable in her own skin, and doesn't try really hard to make people like her. She'll reach out, and if she's rebuffed, she'll just move on.