Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

I’m actually already out of the house. There is nothing in it that I want. I’ve hired a lawyer and I’ve spent this weekend filling out a lot of paperwork about the marital history, etc. I’m feeling a bit of time pressure. I’m a diplomat posted overseas and STBX is now making noises about coming here. I absolutely do not want her here. I had to block her on my phone last weekend after she was being particularly verbally abusive. She then started to email my supervisors and coworkers. I’ve talked to HR and security and advised them that I will be filing for divorce and had her email blocked by our IT administrator.

She has quit her job in the US “because she didn’t like it.” She is not on my orders and presently has no valid passport, so she’s not getting here anytime soon. But I really need my lawyer to get the ball rolling.

Sounds like you’re ready to do it. Good luck to you.
When it’s all said and done, be sure to take the time to work with a good therapist about what drew you to this person and how you might make a different decision when choosing a partner. You got something out of this relationship; the sooner you figure that out, the less likely you are to repeat this and get into another unhealthy relationship.

The FLO, or whatever they call it now @ State, could also be a resource.

Anonymous wrote:Wait so how long were you married to her if you have grown kids with her? If you've been married for so long, did you at least give her a curtesy of letting her know about your feeling and try to salvage the marriage, or did you just let her quit her job thinking she's in a good place all of this time? There's definitely more to this than OP is telling us.

I told her over a week ago that I wasn’t happy and want out. She went ballistic, engaged in all sorts of abusive behavior. This has been going on far too long. I’m sorry if it doesn’t register with her that things aren’t great. She told me that she too wants a divorce. She’s getting her wish.

I was pretty brutally honest.

Right now you’re just a guy who’s mad at his wife. Your wife may be all you say she is, and likely is, but until you file paperwork, that’s all you are, legally. Her debts are your debts, you’re on any mortgages and leases, etc., etc.

If you don’t file paperwork this week or take every next step possible to move this along, you just wanna complain about your wife.

Also she can ring up all sorts of debts minus the formal paperwork, and you’d be on the hook for those or have a devil of a time getting off the hook.

If you’re in the same or near enough to the country of origin as your STBX i would look into a transfer. If she is some sort of dual citizen, she might be able to travel based off of that if she tells some sob story to the other country’s officials (or gives a well placed bribe.)

Realize she has no obligation to act in your, your adult children’s, or even her own self interest. Be prepared for self destructive behavior - she won’t care what she is doing to herself as long as it’s hurting you.

She can also “cure herself” around other people as needed. Until that paperwork is filed she is your legal wife and can/will present and live as such.

I don’t know the particulars but would it be helpful if you went back to the states for 1-2 weeks at the beginning and the end of the process? I’m sure you can give your lawyer a limited power of attorney for this but it helps to have your boots on the ground for this.

Since you don't have kids getting a divorce is much easier. Just file the paperwork and serve the papers. Get out and move on. That's it.

Ask anyone who went through a divorce with kids. It. Is. Hell.

Wait so how long were you married to her if you have grown kids with her? If you've been married for so long, did you at least give her a curtesy of letting her know about your feeling and try to salvage the marriage, or did you just let her quit her job thinking she's in a good place all of this time? There's definitely more to this than OP is telling us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't have any kids?

I wouldn't tell her anything in person. I'd have the lawyer draw up the documents and serve her. There's no reason for you to ever talk to her again. That's what lawyers are for.

Children are grown. However, one, thought an adult, is still at home b/c of the pandemic. She moved back after college graduation.

What does she know or understand about her mother? She may bear the brunt of this. Can she move out? Does she have warning ?

Your home computer might save passwords. Change all your passwords. If you share a bank account, move money out - timing it optimally of course. If I got served, first thing I'd do is log onto bank and move money out or go to bank and withdraw.

Anonymous wrote:So you don't have any kids?

I wouldn't tell her anything in person. I'd have the lawyer draw up the documents and serve her. There's no reason for you to ever talk to her again. That's what lawyers are for.

Children are grown. However, one, thought an adult, is still at home b/c of the pandemic. She moved back after college graduation.

Anonymous wrote:If you think she might fly over there before getting served, maybe you should lie to her and tell her you are sorry and you want to make things up, smooth it over until she gets served. Blocking her now might make her jump on a plane?

she does not have a passport at the moment. That should take some time.

If you think she might fly over there before getting served, maybe you should lie to her and tell her you are sorry and you want to make things up, smooth it over until she gets served. Blocking her now might make her jump on a plane?

So you don't have any kids?

I wouldn't tell her anything in person. I'd have the lawyer draw up the documents and serve her. There's no reason for you to ever talk to her again. That's what lawyers are for.

Meant new email address

If you accuse her of being borderline, she will accuse you of worse. Because she is borderline. Just have a lawyer serve her. Good idea about IT blocking her. Don't tell her about it. She could just create a new I.P. address to harass your boss with lies about why you are a horrible person. When you do serve her, right after, I'd warn your family and close friends to block her number right away.

Anonymous wrote:What country are you in, OP? We saw a scenario like this play out a few times when we were posted in Eastern Europe. In one case, the newly ex wife had her goon brothers try to confront the ex husband who initiated the divorce. He called the cops once when they were harassing him in public and the cops sided with the bros. The ex wife kept threatening suicide and for some reason the hospital would agree to call her ex each time she showed up there to demand they "mediate."
Good times.

I’d rather not say. It would then be might be too easy to identify me. STBX is East European for what that is worth.