Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be happy if it were a “promise” ring instead of an “engagement” ring? Since the timeline is so distressing to you? It’s obviously not distressing your brother. If it does, that’s for him to discuss with her.

It is distressing him, according to my mother. And I believe her. She was concerned when he called her and told her they couldn’t marry in May, the date his fiancé had set, unexpectedly. He said that, and said it was due to “a lot of problems” according to mom, who has liked every one of his romantic partners. I don’t want to stress him, but I don’t want my mom to be stressed over this total bullshit. This woman hasn’t been straight that she requires a very long engagement in order to retain housing and school arrangements. She’s encouraging her daughter to call my mom (have met twice) “grandma” and has dropped suggestions that she wants to get pregnant - when she can’t cohabitate with my brother. It’s all manipulative, and all the snark in the world here doesn’t change that.

He’s a big boy. If he’s distressed, he can talk to his fiancée about it, not his mommy.

So you’re concerned that the engagement will be too long? You’re concerned that she’s serious about the relationship even though you believe that she either wants a very long engagement, or wants to get married right away? Are you really just concerned about the status of the ring here? You’ve mentioned the ring a bunch of time and it really seems to bug you.

Look, she’s clearly serious, and so is he. I suggest you unhook yourself from the details of their engagement, their real estate, and her child’s financial aid. If you care about a relationship with your brother, make a good-hearted effort to get to know his new family. Whether or not they legally marry at any time (and some never do and are perfectly happy), they seem committed, and there is no good outcome for you for resisting that.

Also, if she’s Mitchell-Lama she will not lose her apartment if she loses income eligibility, she’ll just pay a surcharge. The surcharge isn’t that bad, either. I doubt that is what is keeping her from marrying. Regardless, it’s not your business, at all.

OP, your brothers mistake is dating a woman with a kids. If they get married then divorced a year or two later your brother will be paying child support for that teen until she’s 18.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

I’m confused by you, OP. If as you say she has no intention of marrying soon - which you’re angry about because she has a “precious” ring and your brother isn’t allowed to give her a ring unless marriage is imminent I guess - then the child’s FA will not be affected.

I think your brother knows exactly what the timeline is, and just hasn’t shared it with you because you’re judgmental as hell and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

She didn’t tell him. That I know. For the rest, GFY.

Now you show your true colors.

Yes, but the advice remains the same.

Anonymous wrote:Would you be happy if it were a “promise” ring instead of an “engagement” ring? Since the timeline is so distressing to you? It’s obviously not distressing your brother. If it does, that’s for him to discuss with her.

It is distressing him, according to my mother. And I believe her. She was concerned when he called her and told her they couldn’t marry in May, the date his fiancé had set, unexpectedly. He said that, and said it was due to “a lot of problems” according to mom, who has liked every one of his romantic partners. I don’t want to stress him, but I don’t want my mom to be stressed over this total bullshit. This woman hasn’t been straight that she requires a very long engagement in order to retain housing and school arrangements. She’s encouraging her daughter to call my mom (have met twice) “grandma” and has dropped suggestions that she wants to get pregnant - when she can’t cohabitate with my brother. It’s all manipulative, and all the snark in the world here doesn’t change that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

I’m confused by you, OP. If as you say she has no intention of marrying soon - which you’re angry about because she has a “precious” ring and your brother isn’t allowed to give her a ring unless marriage is imminent I guess - then the child’s FA will not be affected.

I think your brother knows exactly what the timeline is, and just hasn’t shared it with you because you’re judgmental as hell and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

She didn’t tell him. That I know. For the rest, GFY.

Now you show your true colors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

I’m confused by you, OP. If as you say she has no intention of marrying soon - which you’re angry about because she has a “precious” ring and your brother isn’t allowed to give her a ring unless marriage is imminent I guess - then the child’s FA will not be affected.

I think your brother knows exactly what the timeline is, and just hasn’t shared it with you because you’re judgmental as hell and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

X10000

Would you be happy if it were a “promise” ring instead of an “engagement” ring? Since the timeline is so distressing to you? It’s obviously not distressing your brother. If it does, that’s for him to discuss with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

I’m confused by you, OP. If as you say she has no intention of marrying soon - which you’re angry about because she has a “precious” ring and your brother isn’t allowed to give her a ring unless marriage is imminent I guess - then the child’s FA will not be affected.

I think your brother knows exactly what the timeline is, and just hasn’t shared it with you because you’re judgmental as hell and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

She didn’t tell him. That I know. For the rest, GFY.

Anonymous wrote:Is your potential SIL ... the NYC serial grifter?? https://www.thecut.com/article/kate-gladstone-roommate-west-village-nyc.html

The grifter has a daughter that age.

ha, that would vindicate OP!

Is your potential SIL ... the NYC serial grifter?? https://www.thecut.com/article/kate-gladstone-roommate-west-village-nyc.html

The grifter has a daughter that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are missing some core facts. A 16 year lease on an apartment isn’t a thing.

I think I caught that they are in NYC. In NYC, rent-controlled apartments are frequently passed down from parents to children. Keeping it isn’t crazy at all. Maybe OP doesn’t understand this.

exactly!! a rent controlled apartment in NYC is a priceless asset. SIL would be crazy to give it up. Having her fiance move into the same building was the right move.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You PPs are totally and completely insane. The circumstances are as I put them. She’s a user and a liar; I know the rule is to pile on OP, but that changes nothing.

I think what you’re not getting is that NONE of the circumstances that are apparently so triggering to you amount to anything. That is why people think you sound insane. So far we have:

- goes grocery shopping a lot and wants certain brands
- lets 11 year old child stay up late
- never married child’s father; complains about father
- takes ubers
- lets daughter have bedroom in rent controlled apartment
- gets daughter financial aid for private school
- does not want to lose rent controlled apartment

You forgot accepts engagement ring while making it impossible to marry because she can’t afford to live in an apartment with her husband. This is not normal, dear. People who want love and peace in their lives aren’t having one party not plan to cohabitate while accepting a ring.

actually, living all together in the same apartment building while she keeps her rent controlled apartment is pretty brilliant on her part. She can sublet the 1 bedroom, have a relative stay there, or just have it for extra living space.

you sound jealous tbh. and far too enmeshed.

Anonymous wrote:And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

I’m confused by you, OP. If as you say she has no intention of marrying soon - which you’re angry about because she has a “precious” ring and your brother isn’t allowed to give her a ring unless marriage is imminent I guess - then the child’s FA will not be affected.

I think your brother knows exactly what the timeline is, and just hasn’t shared it with you because you’re judgmental as hell and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

And the reason I’m venting here is because it’s safe and anon enough, and because while of course she should design her own life, I’ve never met anyone like her, who would seemingly gladly ask a partner to accomplish things that she must know can’t be done without some form or fraud (eg, the tuition - if they marry of course the aid would changed).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are missing some core facts. A 16 year lease on an apartment isn’t a thing.

I think I caught that they are in NYC. In NYC, rent-controlled apartments are frequently passed down from parents to children. Keeping it isn’t crazy at all. Maybe OP doesn’t understand this.

If this is the case, OP and her family are really off-base criticizing the SIL. Preserving that kind of deal plus private tuition is really important. They can get married when the kid graduates. In the meantime, it makes ZERO sense to get married soon. SIL would be crazy to do so. Absolutely crazy.

OP and I agree with you about this. But SIL wants to get married and get her precious ring and keep the apartment and keep her kid in a private and have a baby right now - is attempting to get pregnant from what she told my mom - and have my brother make this happen on a not-rich salary. It’s impossible. I think they shouldn’t marry but she apparently wants to. My brother is making an error on a few levels, but is not asking her to relinquish the apartment. Nor am I. But she doesn’t -want- a long engagement, and she can’t have her 11 year old live in it alone. What I’m telling you all is that what she wants cannot possibly be accomplished, and she wants to sacrifice nothing while having an engagement and potentially involving a newborn. They should not marry, or revisit when the child leaves home. To accept a ring and claim you’ll marry (she set a date of this past May, my brother told us, before “issues” he would not elaborate came up) is just flat-out dishonesty. And I think her selfishness at the beach house is just part of that character - everyone else pays or sacrifices, not her. It’s unreal. She should keep her apartment and just either explain it will be a 7-9 year engagement or end it. Or my brother should just get read about this.