Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

But did you say “you’re trying to look sexy” like it’s bad or wrong? I don’t think it’s bad or wrong. It makes no sense to me that we celebrate adult women for looking sexy in the ways we deem appropriate (which change by culture and time) and then turn around and shame a teen.

Is thick eyeliner shameful when a teen does it but a power move when Cleopatra did it? (Please don’t make a case against Cleopatra, I don’t care).

My point is that wanting to look sexy is normal and appropriate and it doesn’t make your teen an ape in heat.

Navigating how to do that in line with one’s own values and societies is hard enough to say nothing of obeying a mother from whom you will eventually be independent.

yes, it does. wanting it is normal biology. engulging it is reducing yourself to that biology ie being and presenting oneself as an ape in heat.

Well, if you think your teen is an ape in heat, she can hardly be blamed for rejecting your opinions on the matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

But did you say “you’re trying to look sexy” like it’s bad or wrong? I don’t think it’s bad or wrong. It makes no sense to me that we celebrate adult women for looking sexy in the ways we deem appropriate (which change by culture and time) and then turn around and shame a teen.

Is thick eyeliner shameful when a teen does it but a power move when Cleopatra did it? (Please don’t make a case against Cleopatra, I don’t care).

My point is that wanting to look sexy is normal and appropriate and it doesn’t make your teen an ape in heat.

Navigating how to do that in line with one’s own values and societies is hard enough to say nothing of obeying a mother from whom you will eventually be independent.

yes, it does. wanting it is normal biology. engulging it is reducing yourself to that biology ie being and presenting oneself as an ape in heat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

But did you say “you’re trying to look sexy” like it’s bad or wrong? I don’t think it’s bad or wrong. It makes no sense to me that we celebrate adult women for looking sexy in the ways we deem appropriate (which change by culture and time) and then turn around and shame a teen.

Is thick eyeliner shameful when a teen does it but a power move when Cleopatra did it? (Please don’t make a case against Cleopatra, I don’t care).

My point is that wanting to look sexy is normal and appropriate and it doesn’t make your teen an ape in heat.

Navigating how to do that in line with one’s own values and societies is hard enough to say nothing of obeying a mother from whom you will eventually be independent.

Oh, boy!

I try to establish some lines, like no tight shorts for school or gojng to the mall. Those are for sorts practice or under dresses only. Cropped is okay so long as not too much real estate between waist band and shirt bottom. Can you raise your hand to ask a question without your bra showing? Can you bend over to oick up a pencil?

The baggy pants are in now so see if you can buy some very trendy baggy pants at American eagle or something like that.

I don’t know why PP said cropped tops are out. I think they are starting to trend out for the older teens (juniors and seniors) but only because they are so common for the younger trens that they now read as something a 13 year old would wear. But I still see them even on the 17 year olds, just not as much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is dressing trashy. And stomps off when it is pointed out. Disrespectful.

Getting good grades is a normal expectation from all kids. This is not something worth getting a nobel prize for. And it does not absolve her of disrespectful behavior.

“Dressing trashy” is subjective. You’ve only been conditioned to think it is trashy because this is America, we are puritanical and we are also victims of toxic masculinity that tells women that we are the problem, not the men who rape and harass women.

Your all or nothing attitude about dressing is problematic. There are, in fact, trashy outfits that men and women wear. They look low class, show a lack of respect for yourself and are, in fact, trashy. Overly revealing clothes are trashy. Short shorts that practically show your butt cheeks and small tops are not for school or anywhere respectful - that is why there are dress codes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

But did you say “you’re trying to look sexy” like it’s bad or wrong? I don’t think it’s bad or wrong. It makes no sense to me that we celebrate adult women for looking sexy in the ways we deem appropriate (which change by culture and time) and then turn around and shame a teen.

Is thick eyeliner shameful when a teen does it but a power move when Cleopatra did it? (Please don’t make a case against Cleopatra, I don’t care).

My point is that wanting to look sexy is normal and appropriate and it doesn’t make your teen an ape in heat.

Navigating how to do that in line with one’s own values and societies is hard enough to say nothing of obeying a mother from whom you will eventually be independent.

Wanting to look sexy for one’s partner is normal and appropriate. Wanting to look sexy for strangers is a product of the patriarchy which encourages women to pander to male desire to access women’s bodies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

But did you say “you’re trying to look sexy” like it’s bad or wrong? I don’t think it’s bad or wrong. It makes no sense to me that we celebrate adult women for looking sexy in the ways we deem appropriate (which change by culture and time) and then turn around and shame a teen.

Is thick eyeliner shameful when a teen does it but a power move when Cleopatra did it? (Please don’t make a case against Cleopatra, I don’t care).

My point is that wanting to look sexy is normal and appropriate and it doesn’t make your teen an ape in heat.

Navigating how to do that in line with one’s own values and societies is hard enough to say nothing of obeying a mother from whom you will eventually be independent.

What you’ve described is exactly what’s in style now, so she’s just trying it in and it will pass. As long as she’s safe

Anonymous wrote:I can’t find anything in conversations about modest dressing that is steady as far as the actual clothing. It seems like parents from different cultures and sub cultures freak out the same way and the line about what the offensive clothing actually is moves pretty arbitrarily. So that feels like it’s more about enforcing the rules of our particular cultural niche than it is about something I can really defend to a teen as being about safety or morality, at least not until way past the point where I start to feel the clothing is more revealing than I want it to be.

Honest to god when my teen wants to wear a crop top and I don’t want her to I’ll probably make her write and discuss an essay about why I’m wrong so hopefully I’m making her too nerdy to have early sex anyway.

Too much work. Assign her to read a few DCUM posts then have a scholarly debate about which parents get it right and which do not. LOL.

Unfortunately, since I only have teen sons, some people on here think I shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion. But as a professional woman, I want women to know how to dress up and project a positive image and to be attractive without having to be fairly naked or wear skin tight clothes. To me these are life skills for women. And I'm not religious so I don't have any morality policing in my background beyond lapsed mainstream Protestantism. I have to admit that it caused me to step back a bit when someone pointed out that some Indian dress occasion saris are midriff baring. I know those outfits and they are gorgeous. Maybe they are ok because the focus is actually on the clothing and jewelry more than the stomach skin?

We obviously won't settle it here but not buying skimpy fast fashion is the best/only practical way to address it.

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

This is what I told DD about dressing in a revealing way: you are trying to attract that kind of attention, even as you have no intention of actually having sex with the boys. You still want people to think you look sexy.

Of course, she denies it, storms up stairs and slams the door.

My DD is now a sophomore and wears crop tops, but she wears a large sports bra underneath. I have two rules: no butt curve or underboob showing.

DD tells me what she wears is actually tame compared to some girls who wear basically a strapless bra to school, and shorts so tight and short that half their butt is hanging out.

I tell DD that I don't care what other girls are wearing.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you hate what she wears? Do the clothes look bad because she's overweight? Do you think she looks too grown up? This is not the hill to die on, IMO. Clothes are a way to express oneself. As long as she wears appropriate clothes for certain events, etc, I would let it go.

Skin tight shorts and skin tight crop top aren’t flattering on any 13 year old. I started early showing my daughter baggy/tight. If you have baggy pants or baggy denim shorts for example, a tight top would be fine. Leggings look best with a loose shirt or hoodie.

Tight shorts and crop tops are not appropriate for school.

I can’t find anything in conversations about modest dressing that is steady as far as the actual clothing. It seems like parents from different cultures and sub cultures freak out the same way and the line about what the offensive clothing actually is moves pretty arbitrarily. So that feels like it’s more about enforcing the rules of our particular cultural niche than it is about something I can really defend to a teen as being about safety or morality, at least not until way past the point where I start to feel the clothing is more revealing than I want it to be.

Honest to god when my teen wants to wear a crop top and I don’t want her to I’ll probably make her write and discuss an essay about why I’m wrong so hopefully I’m making her too nerdy to have early sex anyway.

When I was a teen, my father came at me for wearing a t shirt he thought was too tight. He said I was trying to attract boys.

He was partly right, but mostly I wanted to appear sexually attractive for social status and power, mainly with other girls and with boys with whom I had no intention of having sexual contact.

I was also in puberty and trying to figure out what my sexual identity even was because ultimately, it’s embrace or die at that point. You can’t put it off dealing with it forever.

I didn’t know how to articulate that then so I just screamed and slammed my door.

It’s time now to reset. She can wear what she wants in the house, but set family rules for leaving the house and stick to them. She doesn’t know better. If you have any friends that are fashion experts, or whatever you would call them, get them over to explain to both of you what is okay for teens now. She might listen better if it is not you. She’s doing the best she can and needs guidance from someone else to take you out of the mix. And don’t doubt that she is changing at school without you knowing, so check on that.

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness the crop top trend is over LOL!

It's not done in flyover country. Yet.

Two senior girls from my son's high school came to an award breakfast last fall wearing cropped, midriff-exposing sweaters. One paired hers with severely distressed acid wash jeans. They looked pretty bad in the awardees' group photo next to the Catholic high school senior girls - two in church acceptable dresses and one in a pantsuit - and my son in shirt and tie.